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December 9, 2008

No WAG For You!

Here at UF, we love a good WAG. Big Phil Scolari, however, does not.

The Spartak London gaffer and Gene Hackman look-a-likey has asked that his players find some nice un-wag-like ladies to settle down with, due to his disdain for the glitz and glamour that so easily sidetracks players and derails a season faster than you can say “Jermain Defoe.”

So what’s he have to say about it all? Surely there’s a good quote or two…

The WAG culture is set in deep at Stamford Bridge, Ashley Cole is married to super WAG Cheryl Cole. Namesake Joe is currently enjoying his WAG Carly Zucker, and she is enjoying the lime-light of reality TV as she stars in I’m a celebrity, Get me out of here. Anelka also keeps a WAG (Barbara Tausia) in togs. Frankie Lamps likes to hang out with his hot Spanish WAG Elen Rives and Champions League Trophy escape artist John Terry has his own WAG, Toni Poole.

Anelka and his WAG.

Big Phil should surely be thinking about his team’s chances of dropping out of the Champions League later today. Maybe Big Phil is trying to launch a second career as a match-maker? He may need a job; if Cluj draw or win at the Bridge and Bordeaux beat Roma, that scenario would see them crashing out of the competition leaving Big Phil without a job. He announced last weekend that he would quit if Spartak London lose to Cluj and fail to make the next stage of the CL. But no, Scolari is only interested in WAGs today…

“The best thing for a player in their football life is to have a good wife. If a player has a good wife, you don’t need to worry about him. Today, if a player is intelligent, they have money for their family for the second generation and even the fifth generation. But some players don’t think about this. Some players only think about today, spending money for the day, spending money on a car, nights out and on this and on that.”

So who would Phil prefer his Spartak stars hook up with? Here is the UF Big Phil Suitable Birds Top Ten as suggested by the UF crew, along with possible players that might be compatible. We realize several of the lads are married, but should their star-studded unions shatter like most do (especially when the ladies concerned are impossibly gorgeous), this list is full of suitable fallbacks.

10. Rachel Ray:
Fairly hot, and she cooks! No more nights out at China White, but nights staring at white China. Would be a good fit for Frank Lampard, a man who knows and appreciates a good meal.

9. Carol Vorderman:
You will never need a calculator again. Just let Carol tally up your ridiculous wages. She will also help you spell your name. A good fit for Ashley Cole, whose vanity might well require a lovely lady to tell him how much money he made switching from Arsenal to Spartak.

8. Katie Holmes:
No fear of her looking at another player across the dance floor at Stringfellows. Oh no. Holmes is, well, a Holmes maker. She will bare your child, chop of her hair and join a cult for you. Now that’s dedication. Michael Ballack, obviously! With Tom Cruise playing a German in his latest film, me thinks Holmes is just warming up to a far more authoritarian life.

7. Sarah Palin:
Bit MILFY but she would keep you in check. Saturday nights at the witch doctors house to help that Saturday afternoon knock heal and Sundays shooting dinner from a chopper. Then it’s back home for some deer dressin’ and some baking, maverick-style. More fun? Days off will involve 20 mile snomobile races and icicle counting competitions. You Betcha! Don’t forget to wrap up warm, we don’t want those soccer balls to freeze. The perfect foil for John Obi Mikel, a man who could use some backcountry discipline.

6. Anne Robinson:
Available to entertain all the kinky school principal fantasies you ever had. Smart, condescending, and will keep the hungry paparazzi at bay with her ‘death stare’ and collection of ancient torture weapons. “Did you play well today? Were you the weakest defensive link?” Surely the apple of John Terry’s eye, as Robinson can soothe his Champions League pain while dishing out the grit needed to helm the Spartak central defense.

5. Erin Burnett:
Sexy, smart and sassy. Has a real career of her own and is unlikely to show up in a bikini in any sort of public forum (though, yoga attire on the Today Show cannot be ruled out). Plus, we generally lust after her. A perfect match for Deco, one whose baffling inconsistency in form could only be explained by someone who can read the stats and make sense of them.

4. Helen Chamberlain:
She clearly knows the sport well thanks to Soccer AM, and her lifelong love of Torquay United might well make her the most boring wife-to-be on the planet. No danger of trouble in the press (although her Penthouse photo shoot makes her a daring choice – NSFW) Ricardo Carvalho could use some south coast culture. He should be so lucky…

3. Jennifer Aniston:
She’s flexible/understanding; Can put up with douchebags (see: Mayer, John), pretty-boys (see: Pitt, Brad), big-game-talkers (see: Vaughn, Vince) or basket-cases (see: Wilson, Owen). Methinks if you give her a baby, she’ll give you the world. Didier Drogba would work well, as he’s a combination of all 4 types of men Aniston has experience with in her dating history.

2. Brandi Chastain:
The ultimate soccer mom! Made famous by her sports bra, she’ll surely be able to help out in training while also making sure the kids understand the offside trap. Boring enough and quiet enough for the lumbering giant in goal, Petr Cech.

1. Natalie Portman:
She looks great and will dress up in Star Wars outfits for you. ‘Nuff said. Oh you need more? She speaks French, German, Arabic, Japanese and of course Bocce. Joe Cole, step on down! You’re the only one small enough and likeable enough to deserve her.

Honorable Mention: Karren Brady
You would be dating a football boss which would give you an advantage in negotiations either because she’s your boss or she would give you pointers. Plus, she ain’t bad for a millionaire 39 year old lady. She’d have been good for Shevchenko while he was still at the Bridge, mainly because she could have negotiated him a much better career.

Any other potentials that could keep the Spartak London players quiet?

-Bigus.



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