VUVU NO NO. Enough is Enough.

We must join together to stop these demonic abominations.

You know if you you tell the same lie again and again it becomes true? Well the vuvuzelas appearance on these shores is just like that.  To the point that a grown man blowing one to my annoyance at Chelsea V Milan last Friday actually said “Have you ever been to a soccer match before man?”. My reply was “Every week for 25 years, have you?”.

How did this guy come to the conclusion that the vuvuzela is part of football culture? That we have all being blowing a plastic horn for years, that it is a regular part of our football watching lives and that it is acceptable. It’s f**ked up is what it is.

While ‘new’ soccer fans like ‘that guy’ on Friday, (who was clearly at his first game ever) who caught the bug during the Confederations cup are much needed in this country, they are bringing their ignorance with them in the shape of a 5 buck horn that sounds like a swarm of bees. This is where you need to act, to educate the newbies. 

Listen up people, The Vuvuzela is a con. A five buck novelty that vendors at games are mugging you into buying. Why would you want to blow a horn at a football match? It pisses the players off and 95% of the people around you. If you feel inclined to blow one then there is only one team for you to go and watch. The US deaf team. They will appreciate your support and you will be safe from the possible violence your vuvuzela may cause.

Your sport is at risk folks, your sanity will be compromised. You need to act now!

After the jump, a new UF campaign and the history behind the vuvuzela. Once and for all lets put an end to this noisy nonsense.

When South Africa play football, the horns fill the air with a dreadful buzzing. While irritating as all of hell to most people, I can completley appreciate it’s cultural value to the people of South Africa. People in that country would historically blow a horn to call people to a village meeting. Everywhere else we pick up the phone. Maybe we wave phones around instead? Anyway, in South Africa the vuvuzela is part of the heritage, anywhere else in the world the plastic paraphernalia brings violent thoughts to those being auditorily violated by the monotonous drone.

Party at my place!

South Africa has the vuvuzela, the English have songs. The US has it’s U.S.A chants and Italians have flares. Lets let the South Africans keep their vuvuzelas and not act like sheep to endorse the latest craze that only exists here as an opportunity to rob you of your well earned money. It’s not meant for you, you are not South African!

You wouldn’t bring a football rattle to a baseball game or a baseball glove to a hockey game would you? You wouldn’t blow a vuvuzela at Soldier Field when the Bears are playing or at the Garden for a Rangers game. You’d be lucky to leave with both legs. So don’t blow one at a soccer match. The players will thank you for it and so will your neighbors.

Before you purchase a horn at a game, ask yourself this…

1. Are you South African?

and…

2. Do you really want to spend 5 bucks on a piece of plastic that irritates everyone within 1000 yards and makes you look like a retard?

If the answer is ‘no’ then common sense has prevailed, walk past these money grabbing venders and flip them bird as you do so. Take your 5 bucks and enjoy a cold beer.

That guy MUST be stopped!

Here at UF central I have cleaned out a closet. This is the ‘vuvuzela closet’. I want to collect and fill this space up with as many vuvzelas as possible. When it’s full of the troublesome trumpets I am going to put them in a giant box and send them back to South Africa where they belong.

This is where you come in readers. I want you to not only email the relevant associations to ask for a vuvu ban but I want you to collect these vessels of brutal ear savagery in any way you can without buying them (use your imagination) and send them to me. I will pay the postage. I also want you to confront people who blow these devices and simply educate them. Make them aware that vuvuzelas have no place in football.

To send me a vuvuzela, email the address at the top of the page and I’ll send you postage. These things must be stopped before it is too late and every stadium in the US is filled with this awful noise. The ’YOOOO ESS A’ chants will disappear, the clapping of appreciation for good play will be a thing of the past and the sales of Advil will sky-rocket as people seek relief. Lets not help the drug companies people. They have enough cash already. Can you imagine games with no songs, chants or clapping? Just the drone of horns? Quite frankly it scares the crap out of me!

Please, do you part now, stop these bloody things before it’s too late. Contact FIFA here and tell them you demand that vuvuzelas be banned. Also you can contact MLS at feedback@mlsnet.com and US Soccer here to demand that they be outlawed.

Your sport needs you. Don’t let the evil vuvuzela and its makers destroy world football. Act NOW.