Unprofessional Foul
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August 9, 2009

Rest In Peace Bigus. You Will Be Remembered, Occasionally

Death by De Waard, a horrible way to go.

Death by De Waard, a horrible way to go.

This past Saturday at 11.59 am eastern time, UF lost one of its finest. Bigus Dickus, so deeply distraught at the events that unfolded at Carrow Road, took his own life. He was found hanging from a rotating ceiling fan, by the long sleeve of a 99/00 Raymond De Waard white away shirt. His feet thumping a signed 2004 promotion print on the wall every 4 seconds.

The pain of Saturday’s 7-1 defeat was just too much to bare for Bigus. The biggest home defeat in history came as a stunning shock. He had such high hopes for the new season and after last years misgivings, the blow was unbearable.  He just couldn’t take any more.

His will was found, written on the panels of a size 5 yellow football. His Huckerby shirt collection and signed Craig Bellamy golf club were left to me, his only brother, along with his extensive collection of Panini stickers featuring every top flight Norwich team since 1986 and his most prized possession, a mug featuring these words, “Played 46, Won 28, Drawn 10, Lost 8, Goals scored 79, Points 94, Champions”.

As per his wishes, his coffin is to be draped in Norwich flags and scarves, and be brought into the church accompanied by the sound of the 1973 team’s record ‘the canaries’. After wards, he will be cremated along with a copy of the 2008/2009 Pink Un preview issue, featuring Mark Fotheringham (he hated fozzy) on the cover while a chorus of yellow and green clad cheerleaders sing ‘On the ball’.

One panel of the football contained his wishes regarding his involvement with his beloved Unprofessional Foul. He has asked that yellow and green blood continue to daub the pages of this site by my hands. I will gladly carry out his wishes.

He will be deeply missed…Rest in peace Bigus, and Up the City.

7-1.

The 7-1 humiliation at the hands of Colchester on Saturday left Norwich nation reeling. The outrageous defending and the very nature in which the side capitulated during a first half containing 4 goals in 18 mins will not leave the memory for a very, very long time. The Colchester massacre has asked some very strong questions, but we will not have to wait long for the answers.

On Tuesday Norwich City will step onto the pitch at Yeovil and all will be revealed. Will the calamitous Australian keeper Michael Theoklitos keep his place? Will the bungling Otsemobor be allowed a second chance? Will the sleeping carthorse that is Michael Nelson be handed another chance to break every basic rule to defending? Will we put in a performance? So many questions. Thank god we will only have to wait two days to find out. As a former goalie and a good one at that, manager Bryan Gunn will be watching the tape on a loop and be seething at what he sees. Now he has some crucial decisions to make. Norwich fans are a beaten animal right now and as Glenn Roeder found out, an animal that will bite if poked too hard.

So why did City fall apart? Former Hartlepool captain Nelson surely can’t be that bad can he? Did we really sign a goalkeeper who is incapable of playing at this level, with no clue how to position himself?

I honestly believe Norwich City took to the field in front of 25,000 on Saturday and thought they were too good for their neighbors, that they would canter to victory as expected. Well the alarm has sounded, wake up time, hard work and dedication is needed now if Norwich are to make their qualities worth anything in this league, this season.

A lesson learned and learned fast is whats needed, I just hope this result is a one off, pointing to a few key personnel changes and a major adjustment in attitude. The atrocious defending by so called ‘professionals’ let their manager down, let their team mates down but most importantly, kicked Norwich nation firmly in the nuts and then followed that up with a stomp to the face. We are all embarrassed, angry and deflated, a national joke. The emails came, the phone rang and the laughing at our expense will continue at least until Tuesday.

And then Norwich City need to respond in a manner that proves that the August 8th massacre was nothing but a blip, a giant mistake, a ‘one off’. For that to happen I’m pretty sure we will need to see Ben Alnwick in goal, Michael Spillane at right back and Jens Berthel-Askou stood along side Gary Doherty at the heart of the defence. Reviewing the goals on TV really doesn’t make finger pointing necessary. The problems are crystal clear.

Only two more days of laughing, texts, emails, i.m’s and jokes to go…



About the Author

Norfolk Ned
I like football. What else is there to say?




21 Comments


  1. wanker's doom

    I will miss Bigus. While his viewpoints were often as bad as Norwich’s new backline, his passion was eloquent in its very fury.


  2. teeknuts

    Well now I’m just confused.


  3. Corrine

    you scared me


  4. Norfolk Ned

    @WD. I think you will find that Bigus and I are similar in many ways.


  5. Norfolk Ned

    @Teeknuts, Bigus lived a good life.


  6. Georger

    Not to speak ill of the deceased, but here goes: why was his freaking Blogger profile picture of Pilate instead of Bigus Dickus? That drove me nuts!

    @Teeknuts: Don’t worry, they found a nice farm for him where he’ll have lots of room to run. It’s upstate somewhere.


  7. Georger

    Speaking of Norwich, Stephen Fry’s last tweet was “this picture proves that I’ve got a big cock,” and the picture has since disappeared. I think he’s lost his mind.


  8. jjf3

    the Beatles had Abbey Road, Unprofessional Foul has 7-1.

    @Georger: It’s been a very long time since I’d seen the movie, but I thought that wasn’t BD.

    That said, BD makes for a better shorthand than NN.


  9. teeknuts

    Can this be like in Beerfest where everyone just called landfill’s brother landfill? Cause that would just make things a whole lot easier.


  10. Defoe's a Yiddo

    Cammon. Its August mate. Yes it was utter s**te but you stuff Exeter and your back


  11. phil

    Alas, poor Bigus Dickus! I knew him, nyk, PR, TLL, AG, and MM: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent footballing fancy: he hath LOL’d me with his Colaship complaints a thousand times; and now, how
    abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at
    it. Here hung those inspired rants that I have pissed myself laughing at I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment,
    that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one
    now, to mock your own grinning? quite chap-fallen?
    Now get you to some lady’s chamber, and tell her, let
    her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must
    come; make her laugh at that.


  12. phil

    Alas, poor Bigus Dickus! I knew him, nyk, PR, TLL, AG, and MM: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent footballing fancy: he hath LOL’d me with his Colaship complaints a thousand times; and now, how
    abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at
    it. Here hung those inspired rants that I have pissed myself laughing at I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? your gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment,
    that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one
    now, to mock your own grinning? quite chap-fallen?
    Now get you to some lady’s chamber, and tell her, let
    her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must
    come; make her laugh at that.


  13. phil

    No idea why that posted twice. But, in my defense, I am pissed.


  14. jjf3

    watching a recording of the Newcastle game from yesterday. I have to say: as bad an idea as the yellow on yellow shirt and full kit appeared in photos, its even worse on TV. On TV (not HD, since its Setanta), the shirt, as a whole, appears as the lighter yellow color. But the shorts are the darker (orangier?) color. With the socks back to the lighter one. This does not translate well to TV.

    Also, Coloccini is a hacktastic defender. I’ve already seen several plays where he could/should have gotten carded…

    NUFC has an interesting array of 1st-team talent for the Colaship, but roughly as much depth as Paris Hilton. They’d be better off punting the various cups to their youth squads, should they still exist…


  15. Norfolk Ned

    @Georger, he liked it and Fry is fun to follow
    @DAY, It was an abortion of horrendous mistakes, my mother could have done better.
    @Corrine, no need to be scared, Bigus would have wanted people to just remember him fondly and move on.


  16. Keith

    Georger, I don’t think Bigus Dickus (or his beautiful wife, Incontinentia) ever actually appeared in Life of Brian. Hence, Pilate would have had to do.


  17. Norfolk Ned

    You are right, Bigus was spoken of.


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