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September 4, 2009

When Disney meets Diarra

I have seen the End of Days, and it comes with a Ferris Wheel

I have seen the End of Days, and it comes with a Ferris Wheel

Real Madrid have a lot of money. They’re rich beyond belief, as evidenced by their transfer policy of splashing the cash like a drunk Paris Hilton, and today we learn of perhaps their worst money-spending idea ever: a Real Madrid theme park on the outskirts of the capital.

(Apologies, as the article is in Spanish. Then again, this is one story that just needs the scary image to the left to get where this is going)

The early brand for the park — the hilariously dull/focus-grouped “Galactico World” — would presumably be full of half-assed roller coasters, overpriced artisanal paella (made in a factory thousands of miles away by some outsourced manufacturer of prison food), and the odd bit of Real Madrid memorabilia scattered around the park.

Might they even guarantee a weekly visit/signing by a Real player? (good luck shoe-horning theme park appearance clauses into player contracts, by the way)

Whatever they’re imagining or envisioning, I’d politely ask them to stop. It’s a horrendous, apocalyptic idea that would fail miserably… just think of what the cost of admission would be considering that they’re not only trying to recoup all the money spent on players, but the exorbitant costs of building a f**king theme park!?!?!

Not to mention that Eurodisney failed faster than Victoria Beckham on American television. If Mickey and Minnie couldn’t survive the apathy of the French, what hope do a bunch of rent-a-players in the Spanish capital have?

(Depressingly, I fear that the sheer amount of Real knob-polishing that goes on in Madrid would ensure that “Galactico World” would be a rousing success. Not to mention the roaring trade of rich, idle 20-something backpackers.)

Discuss. What rides might be at such a park? I’d consider going if they’re offering an experiential adventure similar to that of an actual star soccer player.

Rides might include:

- The Cocainator! Test the strength of your nasal passages with the purest Colombian snow! Then go to training and hoof some balls around!

- Kaka’s Godly Haunted House! Elude the legions of the undead in a rip-roaring ride around Kaka’s spooky mansion. Use the power of his belief in God (and nifty line in under-kit t-shirts) to avoid becoming a ghost.

- C-Ron’s Salon! One for the ladies… akin to Barbie World, teen girls can have their hair teased and styled with the same care and dedication that the Portuguese winger does. Plus, a free pair of C-Ron pink short shorts!

- Raul’s History Class! Sit and receive lectures on Spanish history and the importance of the monarchy from one of soccer’s leading revisionists, the aging striker Raul. Learn why he never gets picked for Spain anymore (hint: it’s because all the best players are Basque and Catalan). You can hear the bitterness in his voice!

- Paparazzi Chase! Hop in a rough facsimile of a Mercedes Benz and get shuttled around a roller coaster track at 150 km/h to avoid the meddling press! Whiplash guaranteed!

- Goals and Galling Mistreatment! Score a goal in a simulated Bernabeu experience! Get mobbed by your virtual teammates, and then find out the next day you’ve been sold to Sporting Gijon because your manager just bought in someone younger, more marketable, and more talented than you.

- Supermodel Land: enjoy a robotic horde of disinterested model types who will love you purely for your money! Smoke cigarettes with them until dawn and have lazy, passive, boring sex!

Actually, that last ride has potential.



About the Author

James T





5 Comments


  1. Goat

    Is September 4th like April Fool’s Day in Spain?


  2. In a possibly related move, Barcelona’s planning on reconstituting dinosaur DNA from mosquitoes and putting them in a theme park…ON THE MOON.


  3. Enjoy the Spanish Amsterdam Cafe with the remaining Dutch contingent at Real Madrid.


  4. I had diarrhea at Disneyland once. It wasn’t fun.

    Diarra? Oh. Nevermind.


  5. Kopper

    You forgot the ride where you can re-live the melting down of Barcelona’s trophies and the assasination of its president under the Franco regieme.



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