Mo’ Money, Mo’ Uzbekistan

MONEY!!!!!!!!!!111!!!1!!!!1!

Big Phil didn’t do well at Chelsea. It was a hilarious failure, the kind we at UF enjoy greatly, and his ignominious exit at Stamford Bridge was a schadenfreude enthusiast’s wet dream. Our resident Canary chaser pinpointed the problem, and it didn’t take long for Roman to follow suit.

Well, he’s trying his hand at being a club football manager once again, the brave soul that he is, and if it doesn’t work… well, let’s just say his golden parachute is looking especially dapper this time around.

Signing a deal in Uzbekistan for Bunyodkur aka “The Team That Overpaid for Rivaldo” has made Scolari the highest-paid manager in the world.

For an 18-month contract, Phil will collect a whopping 13m Euros, but of course, he’s not in it for the money. “I am here because I believe I can contribute to the growth of the Uzbeki game… (long pause, presumably to apply fresh mustache wax and light a cigar with a stack of money) I also believe in this project.“

The Uzbek club, funded by a wealthy collective of oil magnates, is all about grabbing headlines here and there, as evidenced by last season’s managerial cameo by Zico (spoiler alert: his wealthy club won the league and the cup) and the chase to sign as many aging Brazilian players as possible (only Rivaldo took the cash).

Everything is set up nicely for Scolari to manage the club in his sleep, waking up periodically to shower and shave in his mansion made of gold.

Jerk.

(And yes, we covered this before, but the terms of his deal have just been announced, leaving us free to blog it again. So there!)