Move over, South America: there’s a new sheriff in town, one with very hairy arms and a short temper, and two stories from Bulgaria this past week reinforce the yin and the yang of soccer-related vices: fighting and drinking heavily.

Firstly, the fighting. To the tape!

Don’t you just love a good derby match? This one, for the heart and soul of Plovdiv, pitted Lokomotiv Plovdiv against cross-town ne’er-do-wells Botev Plovdiv. If I can read weird text correctly, I believe Botev pulled off a late 1-0 win, but it’s not the goals we’re interested in. No sir, it’s the rioting. Not only did players and backroom staff from both teams decamp to the pitch for some punching, shoving, and colourful language, but the fans in the stands got in on the act as well, setting fire to random bits of the stadium. Presumably, the fight was sparked not by the result, but by the home side’s horrendous fashion sense (or lack thereof).

What makes this sweeter than your average footy fight is the Revenge of the Nerds-esque revolt by the men in charge. Around the :45 mark, the ref (or linesman) gets in on the act, chasing and kicking a pitch invader to the turf. It’s enough to make you wonder whether Howard Webb might one day snap and unleash his bald fury upon unsuspecting passers-by.

And to think fans at the Arsenal/Spurs game just clapped loudly.

Meanwhile, CSKA Sofia were not to be outdone in the tabloids, suspending nine players for breaking curfew after a 2-0 defeat away to Litex Lovech. Stories had been surfacing all week long about CSKA players routinely drinking into the morning hours (their weeknight curfew is a generous 12.30am, while they can stagger around bars until 2.30am after games), and coach Luboslav Penev finally snapped:

“If we’re to going to war, I need soldiers, I need stalwarts. We’re a team who search for good results but with such unprofessional behaviour this is not going to happen… We don’t need players who don’t take their duties seriously.”

Ahh, I love a good war/sports analogy. It’s been too long since Kellen Winslow Jr’s outburst, and I was beginning to think that the trend had died once and for all.

The nine players — including five Bulgarian national team regulars — will likely miss CSKA’s Europa League match against FC Basel, and Penev also noted that the players will receive fines to go with their bans. Presumably, they’ll just spend their time off in those very same nightclubs and bars to think over the gravity of what they’ve done.