iArse
Another Way for SAF to Tap-Up Players
Football, it’s not just a sport, it’s a business. (in which, according to some ’round these parts, there is no money to be made…)
As our lives continue to expand with the help of technology (still waiting on my flying car), it’s a no-brainer that the marketing arms of football clubs have followed us into The Matrix in hopes of continually positioning their brands. (that’s right, “BRANDS”)
The latest frontier for many has been the iPhone. Now, there’s a plethora of great (as well as utter crap) football-based apps on offer over at the App Store. Most recently, London’s purveyors of the Beautiful Game, Arsenal, have gotten stuck in with their own official app. By all (or some) accounts, it’s not just aesthetically pleasing (like Arsenal) but actually delivers the goods (not always like Arsenal).
This, of course, got us here at UF thinking about other possible iPhone apps.
Here are our ideas, all of which would surely be as good as any of those fart apps:
- Liverpool FC App — It looks like it has the potential to be utter class, but turns out to be full of bugs and not worth a damn. Continue to wait for upgrade with next Version.
- Portsmouth App — Starts as one thing, then turns into something completely different & disappointing.
- Manchester City App — It’s the only app that pays you, for no good reason. Every time you check your bank account, the balance goes up.
- Tottenham App — The newest version is just like the older versions, just more expensive because the developers sold the code, only to end up re-buying it.
- Bayern Munich App — Very stable and dependable, but you can’t delete it should you want to move on.
- Real Madrid App — Overrated, it’s just a mishmash of flashy parts stolen from other apps.
- AC Milan App — It’s just old. Really old.
- Newcastle United App — Nobody ever bought it, so it’s been pulled from the App Store.
- Bolton App — Stupid, fucking app.
Of course, I can’t leave out this individual gem from TFA:
- The Didier Drogba App –It’s a disgrace. A fucking disgrace!
Surely y’all have some great app ideas…
Comments
Wayne Rooney App-it maps out all the locations of brothels featuring elderly whores.
The Dean Ashton Ap, looks like its going to be the best ever but crashes right upon launch.
The Andy Marshall App, You love it dearly for years but one day upon openning it simulates stabbing you in the back, then face, then nuts.
The Jonny Evans App – Ladies, you’re not going to want to keep the phone in your pocket, best to leave it in your purse. Guys, just not the back pockets.
The Martin O’Neill app: Only pays you if you’re English, waits until August to work, will fight you if you disagree with it.
/still love the guy.
The Marlon King App/game. You wind your way through a club punching women and collecting booze. Goal is to reach the bar and shout ‘do you know who I am’.
The Rafa app. It lists injured players available for transfer around the world.
The Harry Kewell App – Would you like to take a moment and register your warranty card?
The Steven Gerrard App: Causes the iPod function to play only “Sussudio”
The John Terry App: Immediately summons area iPhones to form a circle around you if you try to delete it.
The Sixteen Year Old Arsenal Player Who Has Made One Carling Cup Appearance App – Better than the Bojan, Pedro, and Henry Apps.
In addition to Goat’s Rooney App, it should also be able to locate the nearest corner flag should you go ballistic. It will also give you ‘tarded names to call your children.
Th fergie app, it over rides your calender and adds time on to all your appointments.
The Grant Holt app, it just makes every the functionality of your iphone AWESOME.
The George Best App – Gives your screen the yellow Jaundice tint that you just cannot get on the Motorola Droid.
The Cody MacDonald App – Cuts your hair for you, in the dark.
The Ruel Fox App – Constantly reminds you of the flaws you have found in your dearest loved ones.
The Phil Brown app, Locates every tanning salon within 100 miles.
The John Carew app. Detailed reviews of every strip club in the midlands.
The Joe Kinnear app. Teaches you how to deal with the media.
The Big Sam Allardyce App – Enables your douchey Bluetooth headset.
The Blackburn app, lists locations for swine flu jabs.
The Sammy Lee app, always the second app in the list. Even when the first app has been deleted.
You guys forgot to mention that the Liverpool app hasn’t worked in England for about 20 years.
The Manchester United European App – Now with one more feature than the Nottingham Forest Europe App!
The Derby app, slow to open, it has the worst performance rating EVER.
The Liverpool app is also supposed to be getting a new location at any time now…for 5 years and counting. Ownership promised it was really coming soon this time.
The Burnley app, only works at home.
The Dimitar Berbatov app–refuses to load until you’ve downloaded the Manchester United App, and then only works with a iPod glove on the phone.
The Wigan app, works every third Saturday only.
From the makers of the Manchester United European App comes ….
The Chelsea European App – Comes with complimentary anti-slip casing!
The Liverpool European App – Improves spatial relationships (not available for Luis Garcia goals).
The Arsenal “Right Way to Play” European App – Not available in Europe.
The Aston Villa European App – Just kidding.
The Peter Crouch app. Only works at altitude.
The Millwall app, turns your iphone into a cosh.
That Aston Villa European app sounds quite a bit like the Tottenham European app, the Portsmouth European app, the Everton European app, and the Manchester City European app, Georger.
The Chester app, only works in Wales. (who gets that one?)
The Joey Barton app, uses prison wifi only
The EPL Talk App – Fucking sucks.
The Newcastle app has a great following in NE England, but nobody else really thinks it works that well.
The Titus Bramble App – Repeatedly calls your own phone number at inopportune times.
the Unprofessional Foul app – there any time you are freaking out about how poorly Liverpool or Arsenal are doing, or whenever you feel like shitting on Tottenham or Manchester United. Will not needlessly concern itself with any other EPL teams. May mention Norwich from time to time.
the Jermain Defoe app – scores just enough goals to be undroppable but never be dependable.
The Ruben de la Red App – Causes your battery to die with no warning.
The Xabi Alonso App – Will rape your parents, cripple your siblings, and light your dog on fire.
The Ronaldinho App – Instead of explaining it, here’s the headline from EPL Talk’s review of the App: “Still the most talented App in the world!”
The Julie Foudy App – Runs in the background for 45 minutes, then makes the next 15 minutes of your life an embodiment of Hell itself.
@Steve – what are you trying to say about us?
The Fabian Barthez app starts smoking in the middle of use.
The Juan Sebastian Veron app is horrifically overpriced and doesn’t work well when you have it, but works great for someone else when you delete it.
The Cristiano Ronaldo app crashes any time you go near someone, even if there’s no contact.
The Rio Ferdinand app focuses on everything except what it’s supposed to be focusing on.
@NYK – eh just giving you guys a hard time, you know I love the blog. And the constant Liverpool and Arsenal “holy shit we’re awful!” overreactions. On second thought, that may not be an overreaction in the former’s case. And I don’t mind the shitting on Tottenham too much, they usually deserve it anyway.
the Gomes app – will be the best app one minute, and worst the next, leaving you unsure whether to continue with the app or delete it. Never, however, replace it with the Carlo Cudicini app.
The Steve App – Banned from the App Store.
Georger, is that for crapping on Liverpool or for my crappy apps? both maybe?
It’s for that goddamn monkey not producing Shakespeare yet, he’s been sitting at that type writer for as long as I can remember.
to be fair, Georger’s memory isn’t that great from all the…stuff
The Lizzy Lambert App– kicks your ass, pulls your hair, but makes you wnat to keep opening it.
yeah no telling when he’ll stumble onto it.
“will be the best app one minute, and worst the next, leaving you unsure whether to continue with the app or delete it”
“kicks your ass, pulls your hair, but makes you wnat to keep opening it.”
Those actually describe about half the apps on my blackberry.
The Steve Cohen App: “You appear to be fucked, would you like to reboot and claim anti-Semitism?”
The Fox Soccer Channel App– Thinks “Big 4 Club” is an ontological claim
The Domenech App– Loves Phillipe Mexes
From the makers of The Fox Soccer Channel App, it’s …
The ESPN2 App – Just a rebranding of The Burnley App.
@phil – you just made me throw up. I thought I banned all mentions of Mexes from UF?!?
The Soccernet App– Really just the Manchester United app
The Emmanuel Adebayor App – Very expensive yet will make a complete clusterfuck out of the simplest tasks; Frequently stops working and defaults to “sleep” mode; does what it is supposed to do for five minutes and then raises its monthly fee.
That one was especially for you, NYK. BTW, Saturday is the big match, first leg. I have the GRE the day before, so I should be in the perfect state of emotional and mental drain, exacerbated by a hangover from post-exam drinking, to engage in some fine trash talk.
The Bruno Cheyrou App – Mired in production hell due to an ongoing appropriation of likeness lawsuit on behalf of the makers of the Zidane App.
(dude just learn how to take the area of a circle and you’ll be fine, that test is ridiculously easy)
The Robbie Keane App– Makes dream move to googlephone, but owner of google phone refuses to open it. Comes back to iPhone and screeches while gesticulating wildly as it crashes.
the Sol Campbell App– moves to nearest iPhone with a nicer case.
take the GRE drunk – it’s better that way
The Sven App- Starts out on the iPhone working well, eventually crashes and reboots itself on a Motorola TracFone.
The AdBlock App – Allows you to block avatars of Bob Bradley.
Wait that one is real.
The Bob Bradley App– refuses to download updates, thinks the Michael Bradley and Carlos Bocanegra apps are still useful.
The Landon Donovan App- Only works in the States
The Jay Demerit App- Hides in obscurity until Bocanegra app crashes, then defends incredibly well until fatal error renders it unworkable
The Freddy Adu app: looks like cutting edge technology that will revolutionize your iPhone, but the app was actually originally written for a TI-85 graphing calculator.
The Oguchi Onyewu App: breaks if used in Italy
Think you mean: You have to pay the Italians for it even though they never use it.
The Shay Given App- Only thing on your phone which actually works the way it was supposed to.
Ryan: that picture is quite unsettling. More difficult to look at than Tevez’s misshapen face. Kudos to you
Doesn’t he just stare into your soul?
If it’s a serious issue I have no problem changing it back.
Not a serious issue at all! Freedom of avatar choice for all commenters. Just noting that it almost made me leap out of my seat when I saw it
JT, did it make you do
<————- this?
The SPL App; Couple of flashy moments, but mostly disappointing.
The Scottish national team app; key elements decide not to work through incompatibility with the device manager.
The League Two app; cheap and, when no-one is watching, kicks other apps near it.