Sorry, CASTROL.

PLEASE STOP RANKING THINGS

Anyone else who runs a soccer blog might be aware of the latest inbox infection, this time from a wonderful synergy of stats and slop via the brand-spanking-new CASTROL rankings (caution: opening that link will turn your brains to a gelatinous slurry).

What are they? After several emails and lists of numbers, names and teams, I still don’t think I get it.

All I know is that the torture must stop.

You see, CASTROL has teamed up with some people who love soccer actual statisticians nerds marketing people in a dark room to compile what they believe to be THE ULTIMATE methodology of measuring player performance in world soccer. Looking at all kinds of passing, shooting and “minutes spent jogging,” the Castrol Rankings are utter rubbish, and today’s email informing me of the most threatening Brazilians to watch out for in tomorrow’s game was perhaps the final straw.

Look, we’re simpletons in the soccer field, for the most part. Though there are several admirable efforts to fuse statistics with soccer in the works (Nate Silver’s trying his hardest over at ESPN ahead of the World Cup, bless ‘im), this one is the most brand-aware and irritating of all. No real explanation of what they’re measuring or who they’re getting their information from: instead, we get pictures of Castrol execs glad-handing it with the stars for interminable press conferences and photo ops… I don’t even want to know how much Lionel Messi pockets for posing next to a giant Castrol sign for 12.5 seconds before darting off to anywhere else on earth he’d rather be.

Today’s rankings inform us of Brazil’s best players, ahead of that meaningless friendly tomorrow that I’ve already griped about today. Let’s look at the list, shall we?

MY EYES ARE BLEEDING

*sigh* It sure is a thing of beauty, ain’t it? Let’s break it down:

- England’s biggest “threat” tomorrow is a wing-back, followed by 3 more defenders and a goalkeeper in the Top 10. Wonderful stuff so far.

- Of that Top 20, 10 weren’t ever named in the squad for this game, and a further two (Robinho, Fabio Aurelio) have withdrawn due to injuries.

- Only 5 strikers in this list? Only 5 midfielders? Wouldn’t they logically provide the most threat considering they’re nearest to that netted rectangular space in which the ball gets kicked?

I realize I’m nitpicking at some poor PR flack here, but would it kill for them to do their homework before mindlessly hitting send and making us sift through this rubbish? And furthermore, they send these every week, so we get the added bonus of finding out this meaningless garbage before every round of domestic games!

So, Castrol, I beg of you: stop wasting your time with this stuff. It’s pointless, and adds nothing to the soccer discussion except for a side-topic of how annoying and frustrating your dalliances are within our beautiful game. If you’re gonna waste time giving Robinho a SUPER CASTROL RATING of 682, how’s about explaining what it all means?

Castrol has applied the same expertise they apply to the development of their oils to create the Castrol Rankings – using objective analysis and 100% accurate data to measure every pass, every tackle and every single move of over 2000 players and games every year, which means that the Castrol Ranking are based on actual performance.

Oh, right. So that’s that then. It’s something to do with oils and fractional distillation. Makes total sense now.

I’m not even going to touch the fact that their inaugural list found the ability to put Thierry Henry at the top – nothing against the guy, though I’m betting there’s an added percentage weight given to “Players Who Could Attend Our Soulless Inaugural Press Junket” — or that former legends like Marcel Desailly are collecting suitcases full of money to serve as “Castrol Ambassadors”.

How about you explain, Marcel, how Thierry managed to be Castrol’s Best Player In The World?

“Of course he is excellent in front of goal, but what makes him such an outstanding player is his overall contribution to Barcelona’s attacking play and that’s what makes him such an important part of that team.”

But, wait… that’s just more rubbish, hang on a sec- forget it.

STOP!! GET OUT OF THERE!! THIS PICTURE DOESN'T MAKE SENSE AS IT IMPLIES YOU WON BECAUSE YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE! HELP!

We realize that branding, cross-promotion, and corporate sponsorship are now firmly ingrained in the beautiful game. We accept that, especially every time we will now watch Newcastle United playing at the Sports Direct Playground, or when the Champions League trophy in May must pass through some CEO from Sony or Amstel Light before it ends up in the hands of the winning team’s captain.

That stuff is becoming tolerable. We can understand that. Your poxy, copywritten statistics and charts, however, are a stain that can be lived without.

I can only pray that come next friday, I don’t see the words “LATEST CASTROL RANKINGS REVEALED” mocking me from my inbox.