I'm not sure if this counts towards our "adorable puppy" quota.
[APOLOGIES FOR THE LAG - APPARENTLY WE ARE EXPERIENCING SOME WORLD-CLASS LEVELS OF SITE TRAFFIC RIGHT NOW.]
Alright, folks – sit back and relax as I liveblog the FIFA shenanigans for the WC 2010 draw. FSC has coverage beginning at 11:00AM EST, the full pageantry gets going on ESPN2 at 12:00PM EST, and it’s anyone’s guess as to when the draw will actually occur.
As we previously told you, the draw will put teams into 8 groups from 4 pots, which were:
POT 1 (seeds) – South Africa (as hosts), Germany, Brazil, Italy, Spain, England, Argentina, Holland.
POT 2 (Asia, Oceania, North/Central America) – Japan, South Korea, North Korea, Australia, New Zealand, USA, Mexico, Honduras.
POT 3 (Africa, South America) – Ivory Coast, Ghana, Cameroon, Nigeria, Algeria, Paraguay, Chile, Uruguay.
POT 4 (Europe) – France, Portugal, Slovenia, Switzerland, Greece, Serbia, Denmark, Slovakia.
If you haven’t already done so, get in your picks for the draw and you could win some footy gear from Calle Republic.
[APOLOGIES FOR THE LAG - APPARENTLY WE ARE EXPERIENCING SOME WORLD-CLASS LEVELS OF SITE TRAFFIC RIGHT NOW.]
Ms. Theron enjoys the footy.
FIFA have promised that the draw “will be preceded by a ceremony featuring a series of speeches and a dazzling array of live music and dance performances” so I’m assuming that we will be treated to Glenn Beck and Miley Cyrus. No? Oh, thank goodness. Instead, we will be treated to a taped message from Morgan Freeman Nelson Mandela, and the comedic stylings of Charlize Theron. In addition, assorted sports luminaries will be in attendance, including Goldenballs, Olympian Haile Gebrselassi, cricketer Makhaya Ntini, Springboks (South Africa’s national rugby squad) captain John Smit (seriously? is that an alias?), Bafana Bafana defender Matthew Booth, Carol Manana (aka South Africa’s “1st Lady of Sport”), Franz Beckenbauer, Eusebio, and Roger Milla.
And of course the wonder twins of international football, Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini, will be there. Unlike Diego Maradona.
On the non-sporting side we have South African president Jacob Zuma, FW de Klerk and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. For entertainment we have Angelique Kidjo, Johnny Clegg, Africa Umoja, and the Soweto Gospel Choir.
11:00AM – FSC begins coverage. I think it moved.
11:01AM – First sounds of vuvuzelas. Thank goodness that Ned isn’t near a TV at the moment. Where is he? You’ll find out in a bit, but it’s a sweet little surprise. Unless things went awry, in which case forget that I said anything.
11:05 – Fabio Cappello announces “If we want to win, we have to beat the other teams.” Your England gaffer, ladies and gentlemen!
*We’ve been treated to the following on FSC so far: (1) Arsene Wenger admitting that he is a poor loser, and not apologizing for not shaking Mark Hughes’ hand; (2) Carlo Ancelotti discussing the non-handshake in barely passable English (how long has he been in country now?); (3) Avram Grant discussing the financial “stability” of Pompey; and (4) David Beckham claiming that England is afraid of no club (really, he actually said “club” then corrected himself to “country”).*
11:20AM – Sepp Blatter has arrived! Sadly, no meteor.
11:22AM – A tour of Durban stadium with the facilities manager. His Afrikaaner accent is worse than Matt Damon’s.
*Ned and James T report that things went swimmingly for our surprise. You’ll have to wait several hours for the teaser, because right now it’s all about me South Africa.*
11:34AM – Fabio Capello mumbles some unintelligible English along the lines of “the pitches be ok.” Although he may have said something else in relation to prostitution at WC 2010.
11:36AM – Carlo Ancelotti mentions the original “Hand of God” goal for some unknown reason, and then discusses the possibility that Cote d’Ivoire might win WC 2010. I’m sure that has nothing to do with Didier Drogba being on Chelsea.
11:37AM – Arsene Wenger says “it’s a bit of a generation of now or never for England” and notes that he would note like to see France and England drawn into the same group. Steve Bruce, on the other hand, says that he thinks it’s likely that the traditional rivals will wind up in the same group. Phil Brown says something about Jozy Altidore and helicopters, but I was distracted by his orangeness.
*Random digression on FSC into the upcoming Pacquaio v. Mayweather donnybrook. Anyone who has ever seen Manny Pacquaio fight knows that he will destroy Mayweather. Fun fact: I won a bet against the dearly departed Bigus when he thought that Ricky Hatton would beat the Pacman. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Easiest bet I ever won.*
11:47AM – A teaser on FSC mentions that my first Arsenal man-crush, David Seaman (OH, GROW UP!) will be by later to discuss the draw.
11:53AM – Matt Ufford, of With Leather fame, chimes in with the following over e-mail: “Spoiler alert: the U.S. will get royally f**ked.” I would tend to agree with him, but only because that is the likely result of any group that we would draw.
11:58AM – FSC advert attempting to generate interest in the FIFA Club World Cup. Has anyone other than WSR watched a match in that sham of a tournament?
12:00PM – BUCKLE THE F**K UP! Here we go, kids!
12:01PM – Thankfully, we have ESPN commentary from Bob Ley who is without a doubt one of their best talents.
12:02PM – OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, Google maps! We get a glimpse of Cape Town, Nevada Smith’s in NYC (complete with a young lass wearing a Yaya Toure jersey), and London.
12:03PM – Studio team is Ley, Alexi Lalas, Efan Ekoku, and some other dude. Alright, alright – it’s Steve McManaman.
12:05PM – I’m fairly certain that Lalas just accused FIFA of chicanery. His words: “The gods of FIFA smile upon you or you wind up in the Group of Death.” DRINK for the GofD reference. Bob Ley explains the Pots to disappointed stoners everywhere, whose ears had just pricked up at the mention.
12:08PM – ESPN doing a good job with the video. While they have the pots on the “main” screen, the sidebar runs down each country’s profile with the bottom bar provides a quick tidbit about each country.
12:09PM – Discussion of “La Main d’Henry” and Ekoku tells the Irish to quit their bitchin’. Lalas calls the controversy “asinine.”
12:14PM – A brief focus on Jo-burg has Bob Ley discussing Soweto as the “capital of black South African life” and apartheid. An actual important history lesson amidst the footy.
12:17PM – Video message from Mandela, discussing the importance of the first World Cup on the African continent. At 91 years old, the former apartheid prisoner and president of South Africa is amazingly lucid, although he looks like he might have lost a step on the pitch.
12:23PM – Replay technology/goal-line official discussion going on, and the entire panel thinks it’s a good idea. O RLY? Alexi Lalas says that diving is “an art” and an example of “professionalism” – GREG, get your brother under control!
12:30PM – Discussion of Becks’ chances of making the England squad. Please, we all know that he is going to make just so that James T’s head will explode. Then we move on to John Harkes (the first American player in the EPL!) for his take on England and Goldenballs. We learn that Beckham needs to stay healthy. Really? Capello won’t take a crocked Becks to WC 2010? Fascinating. Harkes then goes all Ned-lite and fawns over Rooney.
12:33PM – Portugal update: C. Ronaldo is a diving t**t. Cote d’Ivoire update: Drogba is a diving t**t. I just saved Harkes 3 minutes of babbling.
12:40PM – Cut to Rob Stone at Nevada Smiths’ with somewhat of a lackluster crowd. Everyone knows that bar is for the prawn sandwich types.
12:42PM – CHARLIZE THERON IS AT THE PODIUM!
12:46PM – Charlize Theron is handling some big balls up on stage. Adidas claims that the new 8-panel ball is the roundest ball evah. I was not aware that we could improve on roundness.
12:50PM – The Soweto Gospel Choir get down on the stage to begin the festivities. Charlize speaks!
12:53PM – “Drawmaster” Jerome Voelk has a Q&A in French with the president of the Cameroonian federation. They secretly made jokes about Ireland.
12:59PM – Voelk is using his French accent to confuse all the TV viewers into not realizing that FIFA has everything rigged.
1:00PM – I do believe Charlize just referred to Haile Gebrselassie as a “world-clasp asslete.” Springboks captain John Smits steps onto the stage and is immediately laid out by Sebastien Chabal (rugby joke!).
Group A: Bafana Bafana (that’s South Africa, people); Mexico; Uruguay; France
Group B: Argentina; South Korea; Nigeria; Greece
Group C: England; U-S-A! U-S-A!; Algeria; Slovenia
Group D: Die Mannschaft; Australia; Ghana; Serbia
Group E: Holland; Japan; Cameroon; Denmark
Group F: Azzuri; New Zealand; Paraguay; Slovakia
Group G: Brazil; North Korea; Cote d’Ivoire; Portugal
Group H: Spain; Honduras; Chile; Switzerland
And that is the draw, people. France gets a good draw, but I’m not counting points just yet. The USMNT gets into a relatively good group, as they are certainly capable of beating Algeria and Slovenia, while the match versus England will be the international version of A Blog Divided. Speaking of divisions, poor Precious Roy will be torn during the Italy v. New Zealand fracas, while I get my birth country facing off against my mother’s country of birth.
Switzerland winds up being the only non-Spanish-speaking country in Group H, which could result in either an advantage or disadvantage. Language ties Portugal and Brazil together in the official Group of Death (Group G), as they must not only face each other but also the Black Stars of Ghana.
1:41PM – Hehe. Discussing Group G as the Group of Death, Bob Ley says “we don’t have the same amount of lubrication as at Nevada Smith’s.” That’s some viewing party. General consensus is that USA did well, Group D and H are the toughest, and Group B and F appear to be the easiest.
1:48PM – Jeremy Schapp looked completely overwhelmed and confused during his entire interview with Fabio Capello. His father would have done much better.
1:50PM – Sal Masekela interviews Morgan Freeman re: Invictus. Not quite footy-related, but a seminal moment in the history of South Africa nonetheless.
2:00PM – Schapp moves on to the Bob Bradley interview. Surprisingly, Bobbles (H/T to Highbury Library) appears semi-intelligent. But then he starts talking and the illusion is broken. This man is the Charlie Weis of international football.
2:06PM – McManaman waxes poetic about the awesomeness of Timmay Howard.
2:07PM – Bob Ley informs us that Freddy Adu just tweeted his desire to get some USMNT run. Alexi Lalas tells Freddy to sod off.
2:09PM – Schapp interviews Mexico coach Javier Aguirre, and misses out on the opportunity to throw a bag of urine at him. He stands around looking awkward as Les Bleus gaffer Raymond Domenech interrupts his interview to present Aguirre with a France WC kit.
2:27PM – The commenting team of McManaman, Ekoku and Martin Tyler would be a dream trio for WC 2010. They all know what they are talking about, make intelligent points without talking down to the viewers, and are supportive without being jingoistic. I am stunned that ESPN thought far enough ahead to engage Tyler for the whole affair.
2:34PM – Schapp gets Ruud Gullit to make the stunning comment that Group G is the Group of Death. This is revelatory, people!
2:44PM – Bob Stone and Landon Donovan at Nevada Smith’s. Lando calls the England draw “interesting and exciting” and mentions that he hasn’t had time to direct any smack-talk to Goldenballs yet. He follows that up with “the strength of this team has always been the team.” Presumably he means that the USMNT plays as a team, rather than as a collection of individuals.
2:49PM – As McManaman and Ekoku note that Donovan is not as highly regarded in Europe as EPL players such as Deuce, Alexi Lalas gets his knickers in a twist with some faux-outrage and goes all “OO-SAH! OO-SAH!” on those damn foreigners.
2:52PM – Prediction from Harkes: (1) Group A: Uruguay, France; (2) Group B: Argentina, South Korea; (3) Group C: England, USA; (4) Group D: Ghana, Serbia; (5) Group E: Holland, Denmark; (6) Group F: Italy, Paraguay; (7) Group G: Brazil, Cote d’Ivoire; (8) Group H: Spain, Chile. Quarterfinals – Uruguay v. England; Holland v. Brazil; Argentina v. Germany; Italy v. Spain. Semifinals – Uruguay v. Brazil; Germany v. Spain. Finals – Brazil over Spain. Harkes is smoking something if he sees Uruguay in the quarters.
3:00PM – That’s the end of the liveblog kids. I’m off to eat something now – you see the sacrifices I make for you?
Moments from now! After theses commercials, of course. Worse than the NCAA B-ball draw.
Phil: this site is loading like old people as well.
Is this the Gospel Choir singing “Touch, Touch, Touch, Touch”?
Odds that Blatter re-configures the pots thirty seconds before the draw begins? 2-1?
Why is Jermain Defoe performing?
IT’S HERE! IT’S HERE! AND IT’S BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS!
The world feed (showing all the dancing and stuff from SA) is fantastic. If you have 360, definitely give it a shot.
In re: to UF being slow, I think the World Cup broke the internet. Even Google is slow for me right now.
what the f**k was that about with this random white dude and Charlize?
Just got off the phone with our host. And they say “Well, everything looks fine on our end.” Which of course is bulls**t. I’m efforting someone else in service to see if we can’t get this fixed. Sorry. Be patient. Stick with us.
I look forward to a lot more foreigners with no translations.
@Umlaut: I can’t argue with that. I lost interest in Christmas when I found Santa wasn’t real. So, like, 2005.
what is this? the f**king deal or no deal set? theron is an idiot…a hot idiot…but an idiot. or at least a terrible host. wonder how much she’s getting paid.
Can no one speak English down there? Jeez, Jerome.
@TFA: He’s French, he can do whatever he likes.
I look forward to Charlize ceasing to play the ingenue and just drawing the teams.
The pots will be M-Tied?
Shutup Charlize Theron! Take off your clothes already!
He’s French, he can do whatever he likes.
I knew I liked you.
F**K’S SAKE. Even the Americans get it by now. Let’s go.
Is Charlize the best looking South African available? Why not de Klerk?
BOOOOOOOOTH
Alright, I’ll stop being ZMF now.
Holy s**t. Draw a f**king team already.
We’re ready! Finally! F**k you, Charlize, for wasting that much of my time with your ridiculous grandstanding.
South Africa is drawn! Holy Shit!
@NYK: One of my best friends is a Parisian. I know how y’all roll.
England in C . . . nothing gets interesting until Pot 2
OK, A or B for USA plz.
5 out 8 groups correct. Is that good?
F**K! Mexican bastids.
F**k, Mexico in A.
F**k Mexico
Uh oh. Blog war!
Well, we get what we asked for, I guess.
WE GET IN-GER-LAND!
NO!!! Dammit– 2 WCS in a row in an easy group.
F**K! F**K! F**K!
F**K those mexican bandits!
Awwwwwww s**t.
Bob Ley hates Charlize Theron. Right now, I’m on his side.
Hey, PR gets his group fight too!
Charlize can’t handle balls flying at her face.
She is an absolutely painful host. She just projects this aura of absolutely retarded.
Kiwis and Italians…Precious Roy will have to choose a side.
One African team down.
YES! I will Take that over any other African squad.
They should have the lottery-ball machine with vacuum tubes and whatnot. Much more fun.
And we get Algeria. This will all end in tears.
Brazil v. Ivory Coast could be one helluva match.
He’s going to pass out from the heat before it’s over.
Or is that me hoping that happens?
Group H: Grupo del muerte.
F**king French. I hate FIFA so goddamn much.
France to Group A! Suck it, Mexico!
You know, it’s like FIFA wants France to do well.
Of course France get into Group A. Eff you, Sepp!
Slovenia. It could definitely be worse.
Still say we’re DFL in this group. Algeria and Slovenia are a lot better than people think.
All in all, not a bad draw for the US.
Could be a helluva lot worse.
Portugal HAS to go to Group H now.
Barring a group A draw, I’d say England-Algeria-Slovenia’s about as good as we could have done.
We win the draw!
USA dodged a huge bullet there
Is it necessary to draw the number ball when there’s only 1 slot left?
Or, a battle of the Portuguese. That’s also fun
Holy s**t, we got a group we can survive.
Indeed we do, MH.
Group G sucks for all involved.
The US could not have done much better unless into Group A. No assurances of advancement but certainly not out of the realm of possibilities.
I take that back. Group G is gonna be SO much fun.
But especially for North Korea. They could set a record for negative goal differential in the group stage.
F**k FIFA square in the ass.
F**king France?
F**king Group G?
F**k.
Group D looks no fun as well.
YES WE CAN! While we can easily lose all three games, we can also legtimately go 2-1-0 and top the group based on goal difference. And I like our chances of beating Ingerland too.
These are winnable games. I know Algeria and Slovenia aren’t cupcakes, but they are beatable teams for us. Good news on a payday Friday
Group D is rough.
USA v. Germany after the group stages. Bwomp bwomp.
2nd place in group C get group D winner, so even if we advance we could be royally f**ked in the knockouts
F and H are the most interesting to me, I think any of those teams can advance. G is pretty awesome too…Red Korea better just play a 0-0-11 and pray to whatever atheists pray to.
That draw is just the medicine for Argentina too. Hide over their problems, they get through and then anything can happen with Messi and their attackers. France does not get through Mexico, Uruguay and the host team (who always do well) although we don’t get “biggest upset EVERRRRR!” a la 2002.
Italy got the easiest draw in the history of sport. F**K ITALY.
Pretty good draw for the US. If we don’t advance out of that group, then we suck balls.
This draw is a win-win for US fans. Option #1, we do well and advance to the knock-out stages where anything can happen. Option #2, we crap the bed and Sunil is forced to put down Ol’ Yeller and hire a coach who might understand such finer points of the game such as “tactics,” “substitutions,” and that “Johnny Bornstein sucks balls.”
There is someone on my roof running a vacuum cleaner.
Strange.
I hope Portugal goes home early.
Stevie Mac taking shots at Horse Face Killah, love it.
I’m just glad Mexico’s mood went from “Yay, cakewalk!” to “Oh crap, we might not advance” in a matter of minutes. My joy of Mexico’s struggles outweighs the irritation of the French getting a good draw.
Schap gets Capello. Big deal!
Seriously, Capello’s English in two years of speaking it is much better than Carragher’s.
Did you see the look Capello gave Schapp when he said 2-0 for the USA, er, I mean for England? Love it.
@ Bert — the third win is for hype in the US. I thought drawing England was best case scenario because we can legitimately beat them and because it’ll be non-stop hype in the US a la Brazil on July 4, 1994. Despite being a nation of anglophiles, deep inside we all hate the British still for that colonialization s**t (plus all of us from Irish heritage)and would like nothing more than to beat them.
This is good for the USMNT. Now, lets just not get our asses handed to us
“A lovely continental attitude.” LOL.
Ned & I will be at George Keeley’s, Jun 12, to laugh at the entire bar full of idiot Americans after a comprehensive beatdown. Then, you can enjoy Germany in the second round.
Invictus: movie, poem or awesome tattoo?
I know everyone loves FIFA conspiracy theories. But wouldn’t it make sense for the 2018 WC Host to have a good showing this world cup? And the big bidders (England/US) get put in a relatively easy group.
@Georger: Carragher speaks English?
JT: Don’t make us get all Boston-Tea-Party up on your ass.
@u75 – in historical (chronological) order: poem, tattoo, movie.
James T – that’s exactly what will happen. I’m not sure how anyone thinks we stack up well against England. Having said that, we shouldn’t have too much trouble getting results from the other two games.
And f**k Mexico. And Italy. And Portugal.
I’m anxiously awaiting our surprise.
Bob is happy with the draw. I almost saw a smile.
Oh yeah. Check back on the main page around 3 Corky.
@corky – Ned just learned how to use the potty. SURPRISE!
Seriously, I don’t know about you guys, but my hubris meter is running high right now. Softest team in Pot 3 (arguably), a weak team from Pot 4, and the USA. Goddamn. Fabio must have sucked Sepp long and hard this morning.
ESPN talking about Adu, and how Donovan now has a stage to show what he can do. Apparently Bristol is in a time warp back to 2004.
Well, Ned is English and we know all the ambitious ones left to come here!