Dear Leader 1, Soccer Humiliation 0

Poor North Korea. Not just for all the obvious reasons, mind you. Next summer’s jaunt to South Africa represents a major coup for Jong-il’s boys, who haven’t come close to qualifying for a World Cup since il-Sung’s heyday, but their Supreme Leader has plans in place to make sure the nation can’t see a single minute of the action. In Pyongyang, the only way they’re seeing any games is if North Korea win any games.

Has Kim Jong-il even seen who his brethren are drawn against? Brazil, Portugal, Ivory Coast… hmm, on second thought it might be best that the good people north of the DMZ don’t bear witness to the slaughter, as they’ve absolutely no chance of impersonating Pak Do-Ik and pulling off an upset there.

Mike Breen, author of a fine book about the Dear Leader, explains: “North Korea will not pay for the TV rights, which means they will not be able to screen live games on state television. They are more likely to get footage from South Korea and then it will be heavily edited to suit the regime. Only the ruling elite with access to other satellite channels will be able to watch games involving other countries. The majority of the population will have to make do with very one-sided highlights packages hours, and possibly even days, after the game. Any loss will either be ignored or given the smallest of mentions. Once North Korea are knocked out, I would be amazed if there were any mention of the World Cup at all.”

I must admit, I’ve love to meet the poor guy who needs to edit a 5-0 defeat by Brazil in order to make the North Koreans look good. Maybe just show the kickoff and a couple of throw-ins?

It’s not exactly surprising that something like this would happen. After all, the bouffant-haired movie lover didn’t get to where he is today by allowing his citizens to spend all day Googling things on the eBays. It fulfills the hallmarks of his regime: sheltering the population, keeping the world’s proudest exports on the outside looking in, and not letting his people see their country get embarrassed on the big stage. Looking at the groups again and following his logic, maybe New Zealand should employ a similar blackout.