G is for Group of Death
The draw for World Cup 2010 (South Africa!) is complete, and now we must wait for 6 months until the matches begin. But here at UF we are incredibly inpatient impatient, and have no fear of being proven idiots, so we are launching our Group previews. Who plays who, and where? Which players will we identify as vital to their country’s advancement only for them to be left off the roster in the next few months? Which country will we tab as the surprise of the group only to see them fail to earn a single point in the group stage?
Join me after the jump for generalizations, highly inaccurate predictions, and straight-up misinformation, won’t you?
Matches:
June 15th
10:00 am Côte d’Ivoire vs. Portugal, at Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium (Port Elizabeth )
14:30 pm Brazil vs. North Korea, at Ellis Park Stadium (Johannesburg)
June 20th:
14:30 pm Brazil vs. Côte d’Ivoire, at Soccer City (Johannesburg)
June 21st:
07:30 am Portugal vs. North Korea, at Green Point Stadium (Cape Town)
June 25th:
10:00 am Portugal vs. Brazil, at Durban Stadium (Durban)
10:00 am North Korea vs.Côte d’Ivoire, at Mbombela Stadium (Nespruit)
Country: Brazil
Coach: Dunga
Current FIFA ranking: #2
Notes: I consider them the tournament favorites, even though they seem a little thin in their defense (but when does a Brazilian team play defense?). Coach Dunga is under pressure to perform glorious on the world stage, and while they are the odds on favorite to win this group, they will likely end up a bit bloodied.
Prediction: 7 pts.
Country: Côte d’Ivoire
Coach: Vahid Halilhodžić
Current FIFA ranking: 16
Notes: They didn’t get into the finals of Africa Cup of Nations last year, but they did win their Africa Group E. But a team with the striker Drogba is dangerous, and combined with Toure and Eboue, they will be highly formidable. If the Brazilians stumble against Portugal, they will win this group. They will draw against the Brazilians however.
Prediction: 7 pts
Country: Portugal
Coach: Carlos Queirós
Current FIFA ranking: 5
How they qualified: by the skin of their teeth
Notes: The team of Ronaldo, the so-called ‘greatest striker of our time’ is now lost playing in Real Madrid and as a result, this Portuguese team has struggled. They had to beat Bosnia in a playoff to crawl into the cup, and w/out the expanded field would be sitting home. Some say their entry was predetermined. They will play strong, impassioned football, but they will be outclassed by the Brazilians and Portuguese Ivorians.
Prediction: 3 pts.
Country: North Korea aka Korea DPR
Coach: Kim Jong-Hun
Current FIFA ranking: 84
Notes: Hello Dear Leader! Your Glorious squad will come to South Africa to sing the praises of the glorious revolution! However, your team will be beaten by every single squad in this group, and will end up the proverbial whipping boy. The only question remains is whether they will score any goals or not. No worry, since only victories will be televised, when they return to their country they will be praised as ‘heros to the cause of the great revolution’!
Prediction: 0 pts.
They [Portugal] will be outclassed by the Brazilians and Portuguese
Huh?
North Korea’s national anthem is depressingly devoid of any really overt anti-Americanism
North Korea will play a 9-0-1, with Kim Jong-Il as the lone striker. He’ll have an off game against Ivory Coast and score only twelve goals, but recover against Brazil and Portugal to tally 16 and 19 respectively.
Interestingly, 19 is also his highest ever golf score. Many people died that day.
Back in his younger days, Kim kidnapped a South Korean actor and made him and his wife live in North Korea for a while and make movies for him.
I guess all I’m saying is, watch out Fernando Torres. Don’t want to appear on the injury list as: Doubtful (Kidnapping)
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