EPL Liveblog: Portsmouth v. Liverpool

Liverpool players striking an all-too-familiar pose in 2009

ESPN’s “throwing darts at a schedule” approach has finally bestowed a game upon them that doesn’t involve Burnley, though in all honesty, it’s arguably not much better than that. This morning we get one team’s struggling to find its rhythm and hamstrung by money troubles, and the other team’s Portsmouth. Ha!

But I digress. Pompey are about to lose a few of their loanees for the African Cup of Nations, and considering that IOUs were dished out at the company Christmas party (read: bottle of two-buck-chuck in the car park), who knows if they’ll come back? They sit dead last with just 3 wins and 2 draws in 17 games, and with no hope for January transfers, it’s up to their patchwork squad to fight relegation.

Meanwhile, Liverpool continue to stagger hither and thither and are more vulnerable than ever. Rafa Benitez has “managed” the side to 3 wins, 3 draws and 4 defeats in their last 10 games, which is simply unacceptable (though not as bad as money-bags Mark Hughes, who has 1 win and 8 draws in their last 10 and is on the verge of being fired). Liverpool don’t have the luxury of being able to fire their inept Spaniard, so they must press on with what they have and hope that some of that fighting spirit is in every player’s stocking on December 25th. The lumps of coal currently masquerading for a starting XI will simply not do.

Lineups and that live stuff after the jump.

More fun news: A few managers spoke out this morning about the fixture list.

It began like most complaints with the FA begin; Arsene or Fergie speak their mind, and then others feel compelled/safe to do the same. Rafa was frothing about the early scheduling of their furthest away game that falls on one of the busiest weekends of the year. While the club probably arrived in Portsmouth a day or two ago, Benitez noted that fans would have to catch 6.45am trains in order to make it in time for kick-off, or leave right after the bars close if they were driving. As I recall from my life in Liverpool, people don’t generally like waking up early (myself included).

Martin O’Neill’s complaint is over the rescheduling of the midweek Stoke v. Fulham game due to the Cottagers’ involvement in the Europa League. As such, the Potters have had a full week off while Villa face their third EPL game in just eight days. Considering the run of form Villa are showing, it shouldn’t be a big deal, but O’Neill is right in thinking the league could display a bit more forethought on fixture scheduling around European scheduling. All that’s fine and fair, but the Christmas break is always a logjam. Maybe teams should be pulling McCarthys this weekend to make sure their squad stays healthy.

News lede of the day: “Erick Rivera just couldn’t take his mind off those fillies next door…” You can imagine where it goes from there, but if you can’t, kill your cat with curiosity here.

Now let’s all wait until 7.30 when I return to the computer. But first, the team news, and no place even on the bench for bubble-wrapped Italian Alberto Aquilani. I’m assuming he’s being given an adamantium skeleton this weekend before playing every remaining minute of the 2009/10 season.

Portsmouth (in some kind of 4-5-1 thing): Begovic, Finnan, Kaboul, Ben-Haim, Hreidarsson, Yebda, Brown, O’Hara, Belhadj, Boateng, Piquionne. Subs: Ashdown, Mullins, Utaka, Hughes, Dindane, Kanu, Wilson.

Liverpool (in their trusty/unreliable 4-2-3-1 device): Reina, Johnson, Carragher, Agger, Insua, Kuyt, Mascherano, Lucas, Dossena, Gerrard, Torres. Subs: Cavalieri, Aurelio, Benayoun, Babel, Ngog, Spearing, Skrtel.

Man In Charge of Watching For Rogue Beachballs: Lee Mason (Lancashire)

So, Andrea Dossena. That’s really all I can say. Presumably he’s some zesty pictures of Benitez in a compromising position and has parlayed that into a starting position on the left-wing. Stultifying brilliance all round.

Now back to what I was doing: watching Female Forces about policewomen in Naperville, IL and wondering just why on earth it’s a TV show. A guy just refused to get out his vehicle registration during a routine traffic stop because he was eating a cheeseburger! He wouldn’t put the burger down, forcing the cop to drag him from the car. Naperville is a wild place, indeed.

7.36am: Jamie Carragher’s making his 600th appearance for Liverpool today.

Question of the Day: Whither Georgie Bingham? We miss her. Adrian Healy is like a bland oatmeal to her piping-hot pancakes n’ syrup.

7.41am: Liverpool emerge in their virginal white shirts with black shorts and white socks, while Pompey are in their home blues. Handshakes down the line, photo ops, and we’re ready for kickoff. Can LFC pay proper homage to today, the 50th anniversary of Bill Shankly’s unveiling as Liverpool manager?

Congrats, Goat!

Apparently, this game is all about “character” due to the frost on the grass that will surely make the ball bounce unpredictably. There’s Carragher’s excuse, then.

We’re ready for kickoff… 1 min: Pompey kick things off, and immediately give away possession. They weren’t kidding when they said the ball would bobble around. Dossena’s infield run-and-dribble from the left wing looked like a man trying to trap an escaped terrier under his foot, though I’m not sure whether that’s an indictment of the under-foot conditions or Dossena’s inability to run with the ball.

3 mins: Torres wins a soft free-kick in Pompey’s half under half-hearted attention from Younes Kaboul. Nothing comes of the opportunity.

4 mins: Liverpool are hammering all their efforts down the shadowed left flank, as opposed to the blinding sunshine strip that constitutes the right side of the pitch. Dossena with plenty of possession thus far; the commentary box speculates whether that’s an attempt to make him look attractive to prospective January buyers, but they should know by now that the worst possible tack for trying to sell Andrea Dossena is to let people see Andrea Dossena play.

Early trouble in the Liverpool box. The visitors fail to clear a deep free-kick, and Hreidarsson’s chip back into traffic finds Piquionne through on goal. Liverpool’s backline stands frozen with arms waving for offside; the flag stays down, and Reina charges Piquionne off the ball. Limp shouts for a penalty, but an early sign of Liverpool’s static defending.

6 mins: Boateng’s volley from 20 yards finds orbit above Portsmouth city center. Still, more troublingly, he had time to trap and shoot with more direction after Liverpool failed yet again to clear a long ball towards their penalty area.

8 mins: The ball is pinging off the pitch, bouncing as excitedly as Pamela Anderson’s cleavage in that crimson Baywatch swimsuit. A long ball from the left finds Torres in the box. He chests it down to himself and readies a shot, but a defender is there to tap it back to Asmir Begovic. Then Torres has a surging run down the left, ended by a Kaboul foul. No call though; ref gives a corner that Gerrard wastes. Insua lofts another cross in and wins another corner, but it’s also squandered. Bright start by Liverpool.

13 mins: Torres is trying hard to have an impact, but the pitch is another opponent to overcome.

16 mins: The visitors continue to press, barely kept at bay by some choppy defending.

20 mins: It’s still very much Liverpool in the ascendancy, but the final shots aren’t coming. As I type that, Torres gets the ball at the top of the box from Insua, shrugs off Michael Brown’s attention and bends a lovely shot this much over the bar. Wonderful effort. Almost something from absolutely nothing. The Pompey midfield is letting Torres and Gerrard get possession deep without breaking a sweat, which doesn’t strike me as a smart idea.

Seconds later, Gerrard’s darting run down the left culminates in a juicy cross right between Begovic and Torres, and it’s just beyond the Spaniard’s outstretched leg. Lovely cross. Also, it’s worth noting that Dossena’s early huff-and-puff has resulted in his subsequent disappearance.

23 mins: Aha! There’s Dossena! He needlessly hacks down Boateng and gives Jamie O’Hara a shooting chance from 30 yards out on the right. Instead of putting in a cross, he goes for top corner and Reina’s there to gather.

25 mins: Better from Pompey; Boateng’s cross is tantalizing for Piquionne at the back post, but Agger’s there to head behind for a corner. Nothing comes from it.

Goat, my suggestion for baby names: Piquionnita. Catchy, right?

29 mins: Good Lord, this Liverpool backline is hesitant. Header tennis in their box gives Hassan Yebda a scoring chance, but Carragher’s face is there to block a goal-bound shot. Reina gathers the corner. Just what on earth is going on with Liverpool? I’m guessing Agger can’t understand Carragher’s directions.

Glen Johnson wins a corner for Liverpool, but nothing comes from it. Meanwhile, I find myself flicking through the Yellow Pages looking for assassins. First target: whoever’s in the Fratton Park crowd with that booming bass drum/christmas bells combo.

33 mins: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, and once again Liverpool show that defending is really, really, really difficult stuff that they’re absolutely incapable of. Nadir Belhadj rockets a cross in from the right, Liverpool nod it around in the sky. It drops for Boateng who forces a fine save from Pepe Reina, and out of nowhere, Belhadj follows up on the rebound and from an absurdly narrow angle, he volleys it first-time between the goalie and the near post. Make no mistake, that’s only going in once every 1,000 attempts; a dagger to my heart. Portsmouth 1, Liverpool 0 (whoops, wishful thinking). I begin to weep.

38 mins: How do Liverpool respond? By passing it nervously from side-to-side across midfield, and bickering with the referee over every decision.

Liverpool win a free-kick as Michael Brown scythes down Gerrard front and center. A lovely delivery from the captain and it finds Daniel Agger unmarked in front of goal. The Dane celebrates his goal-scoring chance by looping the header wide right instead of powering it down and past Begovic. A stupefying miss from 6 yards out.

41 mins: Liverpool’s nervy play is akin to a freshman on their first day of school. None of that typical blood, guts, and glory from the visitors at a goal down, as is customary for them. Instead, they’re dissolving, barely maintaining composure. This helplessness is illustrated nicely by Mascherano, who thrusts in on Ben-Haim and appears to wreck the Pompey defender and his own knee ligaments in one fell swoop. The Pompey fans swarm around the “hurt” Argentine (who looks to be milking the medical attention in the hopes that referee Lee Mason neglects to punish him for his foul). In the maelstrom, Benitez manages to coax the ref over for some bickering fun.

And then Mason shows Mascherano a red card! Huge call by Mason. It looked bad but a red appears harsh. Maybe Mason’s had time to mull over the decision while Javier was helped to his feet by the physio.

45 mins + 1: Two more minutes of this. Tal Ben-Haim gets a yellow for his dissent after Mascherano’s foul, and Pompey are now in control. This is absolutely unbelievable.

Benitez is suggesting it was Mascherano’s first offense, which may well be true; honestly though, does it matter when the one offense was so bad? Confusion now as the commentators wonder whether Mason talked to the 4th official during the injury stoppage and whether that influenced his decision to show a red card. From my basic understanding of the rules, that’s not how the 4th official is supposed to be used. Then again, I’m sure Mason would say after the game that he was always showing a red card, but hey. Controversy/chaos reigns!

HALF TIME: Portsmouth 1, Liverpool 0

A dreadful quarter-hour for the visitors, who need another loss like they need their houses to be robbed while out of town. 10 men and a goal down; there’s only one way this game ends, right?

Back in 10 minutes.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder whether the red had something to do with the elbow at the end of the late tackle. Looked like Mascherano followed through to Ben-Haim’s chest/neck region with the point of his elbow. Then again, add the entire thing up and the decision probably makes sense. To extrapolate the incident further, I bet Mascherano tore ligaments.

This is the Liverpool FC I need to make peace with, accept, become comfortable with. They’re just simply not very good.

Dear ESPN: Has there not been a song released in the last three years that could replace U2′s “Beautiful Day” as the de facto soccer/highlights/drama theme song?

46 mins: We’re off again, and informed that Ben-Haim didn’t get a yellow earlier. Lucas runs through Michael Brown like the drinking water in Mexico and gets a yellow card. Smart play by the Brazilian. One player already dismissed, and a dreadfully late tackle is the perfect response. Insua wins a throw-in off Boateng’s backside. While a faint rendition of “You’ll Never Walk Alone” can be heard from the away supporters, it’s the home fans in full song at the moment. And rightly so. I just don’t have any faith that Liverpool will get back into this game.

49 mins: Pompey are settling into Liverpool’s half, leaving the white-shirted fellows chasingtheir shadows. The sun has turned the corner, so the shaft of sunlight is cutting a streak right across Pepe Reina’s goal and line of vision. That’s surely gotta cause a second Pompey goal, right?

Portsmouth are pinging it around like a team that’s not in 20th place in the EPL. Liverpool’s listlessness and fractured play suggests that they should swap places with the South Coast club.

52 mins: Dossena has a shot from the left but it’s deflected into Begovic’s arms. Meanwhile, Yossi Benayoun begins to warm-up on the sideline. I’m guessing he’ll slot in for the Italian, though the commentary team are implying it could be for Dutch statue Dirk Kuyt, the hardest-working-man-in-soccer-who-doesn’t-accomplish-a-whole-lot.

Piquionne drags a shot wide.

SUB FOR LIVERPOOL: Andrea Dossena’s breezy, useless cameo is terminated. Benayoun hops on in his place.

55 mins: A sneaky pass over the top for Torres, but the Spaniard is marginally offside. Hassan Yebda hammers a 30-yard effort into the stands. An early Christmas present for someone, no doubt.

Piquionne beats the offside trap and has time to shoot, but Carragher slides across and blocks his effort in the nick of time. Kuyt demonstrates why Liverpool are so bad; eluding two tackles in a surging run up the middle, he looks for Benayoun wide left but blasts an off-balance pass out for a throw-in. Then Torres thoughtlessly chops down Michael Brown and earns a yellow card. A shimmering display of petulance from the lone frontman.

58 mins: 50/50 possession, and all that early hard work by the visitors has been entirely undone.

Glen Johnson is finessed off the ball by Jamie O’Hara, and the right-back responds by chopping down O’Hara in full flight down the wing. A yellow card for Johnson is the outcome, and another free-kick to defend. I’m embarrassed by Liverpool’s petty play in the second half. Barely interested in chasing the game, their chosen strategy is to foul from behind, shrug to the ref, and stick around for the cautions.

62 mins: Can we end the game already? Please? I’m just waiting for Pompey to score their second.

Liverpool can’t even get the ball out of their own half. Brown hoofs a ball out for a throw, disrupting what could have been a rare Liverpool attack. Naturally, the visitors waste it and Pompey break. A phenomenally gutless display from Liverpool.

65 mins: Tal Ben-Haim crumples to the grass again, this time felled by a Torres elbow to the jaw as the pair tussled for a high ball. N’Gog is warming up, presumably because Torres is looking for a way to get an early show.

For anyone concerned, there’s light at the end of the tunnel: the Israeli defender is ok!

67 mins: ALMOST AN EQUALIZER FROM NOTHING! Gerrard surges through the middle and lays it off for Kuyt, whose genetic selflessness forces him to cross instead of shoot from a decent angle. It’s blocked, but only as far as The Talisman, who blasts it wide but thanks to Hreidarsson’s deflection, it looks to be creeping inside the near post… only to be denied by Begovic’s sprawling save. LFC waste the corner, and Pompey recover.

SUB FOR LIVERPOOL: Emiliano Insua off, free-kick and cross specialist Fabio Aurelio is on.

70 mins: Benayoun worms inside on the left side of the area, but there’s no-one in the middle to collect the cross. Then, at the other end, O’Hara has time to control a long ball, turn and shoot, and he’s not far from hitting the target.

72 mins: I’m suffering an existential crisis, and wondering why I subject myself to such depressing feats of failure by my team, and then choose to liveblog them and thus record my despair for the world to observe?

Boateng slogs down the right (nothing he ever does looks like it comes naturally to him; I’d liken his efficiency to that of a blind man trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube) and wins a throw-in as his cross is deflected out. Calm overwhelms the home team, and they knock it around a bit.

75 mins: Don’t desert me now, dear readers, just when I need you most. Fabio Aurelio’s speculative long ball for Torres is too far for the Spaniard to collect. Begovic scoops it up and hoofs it back down the other end. From that, Pompey almost score their second as Boateng’s cross drifts onto Piquionne’s forehead, but the Frenchman’s header is well wide.

77 mins: Footwear fun for Kuyt, who’s changing his boots in a rush on the sideline. Presumably his hustle is being hampered by deficient cleats. Benayoun looks like he’s limping. The Grim Reaper lingers outside. A raven quoths “Nevermore”. I put on a My Chemical Romance CD. Et cetera.

PING-PONG IN THE POMPEY BOX! Torres displays his worth; cantering inside two defenders from the left, he tries to make room for Kuyt or Gerrard, whoever’s feeling more emotionally invested, to take a shot. The Spaniard passes up a decent scoring chance for a teammate, and the scuffed effort bobbles and deflects wide of goal for a corner. LFC pile forward, waste a corner, win another, and waste that too; it’s 600-appearance-man Carragher alone on the far side, free to volley the ball into Row ZZ in his own time. A depressing finish to a glimmer of attacking menace from the visitors.

80 mins: Pompey appear compelled to gift Liverpool a point, as all the action has suddenly shifted to Begovic’s end. Still, it wouldn’t be a vintage Liverpool performance if all the scoring chances were squandered.

81 mins: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, and Pompey kill off the game with an assassin’s intent. Are you taking notes, Rafa? Pathetic defending from Liverpool allows Belhadj’s speculative pass to Piquionne to find its target. Carragher remains stationary as Piquionne spins off his man like the moon rotates around the sun, slotting low inside the far post from as narrow an angle as Belhadj’s opener. Dismal. Pepe Reina didn’t even attempt a dive. Avram Grant attempts a wry smile amid all those jowls of his. Portsmouth 2, Liverpool 0

87 mins: Jay Spearing is on for Lucas. My hatred is replaced by supreme apathy.

89 mins: Gerrard has a decent crack from a narrow angle, and yet he just misses the inside of the far post. Pompey strike twice from more acute angles and score both times. Funny old game, innit?

90 mins + 3: Mullins on for Boateng, Kanu on for Piquionne, and utter disgrace from Liverpool.

FULL TIME: Portsmouth 2, Liverpool 0
A horrendous display by Liverpool, and a well-deserved three points for Uncle Avram and his new team, thus maintaining Grant’s perfect record against the Merseysiders. Sometime last spring, Liverpool were humbled 2-0 at Middlesbrough, a team that ended up getting relegated. Today, Liverpool were humbled 2-0 at a team that will likely get relegated. Could LFC respond with a win streak like they did last season? Of course not. This team is shockingly bad, and regressing with every passing game. No fighting spirit. No effort to respond. No real sustained exertion in trying to get back in the game. Sure, Mascherano’s dismissal was key, but this team was supposed to be made of much stronger stuff. A deserved result for both teams. Wolves and Aston Villa up next for LFC, and I fully expect them to lose both.

Thanks for following my descent into madness, and enjoy the rest of your day. Maybe another liveblog tomorrow morning… not sure yet.