EPL Liveblog: West Ham v. Chelsea

Not-so-fat-Frank in his Hammer days

(Welcome, whether you’re joining via Ned’s superb coverage of Wolves/Burnley this morning or just stumbling in from a late-night-turned-early-morning.)

I think we all agree that this “Big Four” nonsense has to stop, right?

It’s not that the quartet aren’t still financially bigger or branded bigger, but the product on the pitch is misleading. 19 defeats shared between Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, and Manchester United, and we’re not even at the season’s midway point. That’s some dubious bigness on display, for sure.

The northern pair were trounced and dominated every which way yesterday by Pompey and Fulham respectively, and while Arsenal restored some luster to the quartet’s fading reputation in a 3-0 breeze against Hull, it’s once again up to the Blues from Stamford Bridge to exhibit the kind of winning ruthlessness that the Big Four are supposed to lord over the rest of the league.

Mercifully for them, opponents West Ham are in shambles this season. Money trouble, creditors knocking on the door, injuries to their best striker Carlton Cole, and a disappointing run of form that’s dropped them into the relegation zone. They haven’t beaten Chelsea since 2003, though this season finds them ranked 7th in scoring and playing the kind of kamikaze soccer that could spring a shock result for Ancelotti’s men.

So join me, won’t you, for the fun at Upton Park?

Be here at 10.50am for lineups, predictions, and all the action. See you then!

We have lineups!

West Ham (in a bland 4-4-2): Green, Faubert, Gabbidon, Upson, Ilunga – Noble, Kovac, Parker, Collison – Franco, Diamanti.
Subs: Stech, Jimenez, Spector, Da Costa, Nouble, Tomkins, Stanislas.

Chelsea (in a spicy 4-3-1-2): Cech, Ivanovic, Carvalho, Terry, Ashley Cole – Ballack, Lampard, Malouda – Joe Cole – Drogba, Kalou.
Subs: Hilario, Mikel, Zhirkov, Paulo Ferreira, Sturridge, Alex, Belletti.

A Hammers win vaults them above Hull City and into 16th place, while Chelsea have a chance to extend their lead at the top after United’s hilarious hiccup yesterday at Craven Cottage. Prediction from James T: West Ham 1, Chelsea 3

10.59am: They’re lining up on the pitch…

And we’re off! The ball is pinging around faster than the cameraman can follow. Promising.

2 mins: Ancelotti looks smug/constipated in his cushioned chair on the sideline, flanked by his pint-sized capo Ray Wilkins. Herita Ilunga appears to have forgotten how to control a ball. It skids off his insole for a Chelsea throw-in with no Blues anywhere near him. Bit dopey from the Congolese left-back.

5 mins: And now it’s Chelsea’s turn to be sleepy. Two decent breaks by the Hammers, one requiring a well-timed Terry slide to halt and the other booted out for a throw-in by Ivanovic. The Hammers are going to counter-attack and press wherever possible.

8 mins: Lampard stings Green’s palms early, winning a corner, though it amounts to nothing. Both sides have begun brightly, with plenty of zesty tackling in the midfield.

Sorry for the delays there; minor technical issues at my end that are now fixed. The Hammers look to be winning the battle for central midfield (Essien’s loss is everyone else’s gain, really), while the Blues are looking to nudge and finesse their way down the flanks.

13 mins: Another Chelsea corner, this time with a much better delivery. It loops high and curls into the meat of the box where it finds Ivanovic’s forehead, but he can’t keep the header down and it drifts just over the bar.

Despite looking like a 4-4-2, Diamanti is dropping deep at every opportunity to try and lure the Chelsea backline out of shape while Franco looks every bit the Cole-esque lone frontman. Plenty of long balls being pinged in his general direction, but that’s easy stuff for Terry and Carvalho really.

16 mins: Gabbidon does well to beat a sprinting Kalou to the ball, poking it out for a throw. Joe Cole gets it on the right wing, cuts in and then releases his overlapping man on the right, but the low cut-back into the box never makes it to Kalou’s feet. Danger over. As much as I loathe Chelsea, it is nice to see Joe Cole back and healthy. I always admired him as a player. Until he went to Chelsea, that is.

FUN FACT: Joe Cole is the THIRD Chelsea player on the books currently who made a name for himself at Upton Park earlier in his career.

19 mins: Another West Ham player is felled; this time it’s Franco, toppled by Carvalho who concedes a free-kick near halfway. The delivery is deep into Chelsea’s area, but Franco was offside before the ball was kicked and everyone shuffles upfield to assume positions for Cech’s long hoof downfield.

Scott Parker gives Drogba some attention just outside the box; the two tangle for a loose ball once, then twice, and on the second attempt the West Ham midfielder puts boot into the Ivorian and gives Chelsea a decent shooting chance 20 yards out and dead center. Drogba responds by stepping up and blasting it off the wall for a corner.

SO CLOSE! The corner meets Ivanovic on the 6-yard box. His header has Robert Green beaten, but Scott Parker’s the man on the line and it slaps off his chest and is cleared. Bit of a scramble on the left as Lampard tries to get the ball right back into the crowd, but the chance is gone. Lovely header by the Serbian right-back, who looked a little rattled on the sideline after his contortions to even head the ball on goal. He’s fine through, for any worriers out there.

26 mins: Parker wins a corner off John Terry, whose uncertainty as to whether there was a man on led him to confidently turn it behind. The delivery from Diamanti is decent, but the Czech traffic cone bursts off his line to fist it clear.

28 mins: As is customary in these half-hearted derbies, neither side are really asserting themselves on proceedings. Plenty of Chelsea possession in the Hammers’ third, but it’s the tippy-tap passing from side to side and it’s not going to beat a well-drilled, Upson-led backline. To wit, Lampard’s squib-pass across the box runs too long for Kalou to reach. West Ham goal kick.

And a Steve Clarke sighting! Another man I respect to the full. Some would say his departure spelled the end for Luis Felipe Scolari. I’d say that it certainly didn’t help, but it was the aloof Brazilian’s ineptitude at club management that was the real cause.

30 mins: Yellow card for Ricardo Carvalho, who’s been warned a couple of times by Mike Dean and could care less. He clatters through the back of Franco who was still waiting for the ball to reach his feet. Diamanti’s free kick swung into the crowd but was cleared.

32 mins: How did West Ham not score?!?! Ilunga receives the ball behind Ivanovic and looks onside. His angled cut-back zips to the top of the box, but Franco dithers on the ball a touch too long before shooting. Cech kick-saves it, but only as far as Diamanti. He can’t corral the ball well enough to shoot and the chance evaporates into the darkening London sky. Flag went up for offside, and no-one could really tell who it was called against. Still, a rare moment of panic in the Chelsea box.

Lampard then shoots from 15 yards but drags his shot wide of the far post after nice work down the left by one of the Coles.

YOUR 80th MINUTE EVERTON/BIRMINGHAM SCORE UPDATE: Bilayaletdinov 1, Larsson 1.

36 mins: Cole to Cole on the left, but Joe’s clever pass is too strong for Ashley and it runs out for a goal-kick. J. Cole has not only been the far superior Cole, but probably the best player on the pitch thus far. He tries to cap a good performance thus far with a goal, but after pulling the ball down some 20 yards out, he scuffs his volley well wide of Green and that netted rectangle thing.

38 mins: This game needs a goal. I need a tall, room temperature glass of Glenlivet, water on the side. Which is more likely to happen at this point?

40 mins: Some interesting Serie A games this morning. Sampdoria get trounced 3-1 by Livorno, and Juventus lose 2-1 at home to Catania.

Diamanti levels Salomon Kalou, who tries to clean up possession at the back but looks utterly uncomfortable on the ball, the way an alien might look at an episode of Desperate Housewives. It looks like he’s never seen a ball before. Ugly. Still, Diamanti’s thuggish foul was far less pleasing on the eye. Neither side is doing anything with all their hustling-bustling in midfield, lacking the final pass.

43 mins: Scott Parker decimates Joe Cole and appears stunned that Mike Dean awarded the Blues a free-kick. They almost profit, too; a quick take to Drogba alone on the right edge of the box, catching the Hammers unawares, but the Ivorian blasts his shot into the side netting.

PENALTY TO WEST HAM!

Ashley Cole leaves his feet and makes a two-footed mess of his assault on Jack Collison’s ankles after some nice one-touch passing created a sliver of space for West Ham to trouble Cech. No doubt there.

GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL, and Alessandro Diamanti sends Petr Cech the wrong way. Easy as they come, really. A. Cole is booked for his ungraceful lunge, and the home side steal the lead. West Ham 1, Chelsea 0

And yes, that was a penalty. Ashley left his feet early, didn’t get close to touching the ball off Collison’s feet, and capped the move with a firm shirt tug to complete the takedown.

45 mins + 1: Chelsea are flustered at the back. Couple of quick corners to defend, and Cech has to dive low to his left to keep out a thumping shot from Parker (I think).

Then Parker goes into the book for his latest foul, this one a slide-through right in front of Mike Dean. Lampard thwacks the free-kick into the wall, the rebound is lofted back towards Drogba, who flicks it over his head and into Kalou’s path. Green is there to shoulder-barge Kalou, and Dean turns away half-hearted shouts for a make-up penalty. Goal kick for West Ham.

HALF TIME: West Ham 1, Chelsea 0
There’s daylight robbery, and then there’s gloaming robbery. This would be proof of the latter, as the home side cap an underwhelming half with one good move that earns them a penalty and the lead. Chelsea have had the majority of the play, but find themselves down a goal.

Be back in 10 minutes.

Quickly, some other full-time scores of note around Europe:
Livorno 3, Sampdoria 1
Juventus 1, Catania 2
AS Roma 2, Parma 0
Hamburg 2, Werder Bremen 1
Newcastle United 2, Middlesbrough 0
Asteras Tripolis 2, AEK Athens 0
El Entag El Harby 0, Al Ahly 1
Ankaraspor 0, Istanbul Buyuksehir 3
Everton 1, Birmingham City 1

And Lille lead Le Mans 3-0 at half-time.

Ahh, highlights of United’s murder at Damien Duff’s hand yesterday. It simply never gets old.

Dear advertisers: please stop positioning Crown Royal as the Swingers-era Vince Vaughn of whisky drinks. It’s really not. Much more like The Break Up-era Vaughn if I had to guess. Notice that most of the guys in Swingers drank Jameson, Budweiser or shots of mid-level tequila, and with good reason: all those things are tastier than Crown Royal.

Also, NYK: This sentence right now will mark the second time today I’ve been forced to type the name Malouda. Luckily for me, the Frenchman is making it easy to avoid mentioning him because he simply hasn’t done anything worth talking about.

And we’re off again. By the way, this incarnation of Chelsea is probably quite similar to the one we’ll see all January long. Essien’s missing today, and soon Kalou and Drogba shall follow. Are you Blues fans concerned, even a little bit?

Half-Time subs for Chelsea: Ancelotti shows that he knows what we all knew for a while – that Kalou and Malouda are awful and have no business being in a Chelsea XI. Both are extricated from the action, replaced by John Obi Mikel and Daniel Sturridge. The young striker immediately signals his presence, wellying a shot from distance miles over the bar.

49 mins: Drogba goes close! His streak down the right wing nearly pays off, as he gets his foot around the ball and rockets it across the face of goal. Robert Green didn’t look like he knew much about it, and it wasn’t far off at all.

Then Mikel is slow to get to his feet as his studs-up rendezvous with Parker and Terry leaves him limping.

52 mins: Another yellow card for West Ham – I think it’s Kovac – for impeding Frank Lampard’s persistent push up the middle. The midfielder takes the free kick and drills it low, but it meets Terry’s foot but the redirect into traffic is cleared. Was that a shot? A low cross? A solution for pitch-level pest control? Whatever it was, it was rubbish.

PANIC IN THE JAMES T HOUSEHOLD AS MY INTERNET HICCUPS AND IS RESTORED.

57 mins: PENALTY TO CHELSEA! There’s your make-up call, folks; Upson wins the ball off Sturridge in the area, but Dean thinks he fouled in the process. Farce ensues. Frank Lampard scores it, then is ordered to retake it thanks to some infringement. Lampard scores it again, but this time Ballack and Drogba were well in the area before the ball was struck, and so we get another retake! Eventually, it’s business-as-usual, as Lampard scores the retake with ease. Game on, and Matthew Upson must wonder just what constitutes a foul these days. Worth noting that the linesman flagged for the penalty, not Mike Dean. Chaos reigns. West Ham 1, Chelsea 1

63 mins: Again, let’s note that Upson won the ball. Chelsea don’t care; the good fortune has energized them and they’re camping in West Ham’s end looking for a second. Franco is flagged for offside as Parker does well in midfield to surge up and pick out the Mexican, but the play is halted by the linesman on the far side. Another dubious call.

67 mins: The game descends into shouting, yelling, chest-bumping machismo, with both sides flying into their tackles and leaving no-one standing. The Upton Park crowd’s up for it too. This is how the game should have been from the opening kick-off.

Lampard finds Joe Cole with a neat angled pass, but the winger/attacking midfielder drags his shot wide of goal. He had room to take another step and shoot, but chose to fire early.

70 mins: Looking back at the penalty, I’m wondering why Mike Dean was so quick to take the linesman’s flag and make that decision. Remember: the ref has final say on the pitch. He can take his assistants’ advice on calls he missed or needed help with, but he can always turn his linesman down and make his own call. Seems strange that he was so swift to acknowledge the flag and signal for a penalty.

72 mins: Wake up Cech! Diamanti ploughs in a shot from the edge of the box, forcing the traffic cone into action. Not a bad effort, that. Where did Zola find this guy?

Joe Cole attempts to undo his lively performance with another hasty, wildly inaccurate shot from the edge of the box.

74mins: JoeColeJoeColeJoeColeJoeColeJoeColeJOE COLE! Another effort for J. Cole, and another woeful miss. Bad almost became good, too; Ivanovic’s poor low cross from the right skidded into Cole’s path at the top of the box, and he elects to first-time it well over the bar. Control, set, shoot. Not difficult, Joe.

SUBSTITUTION FOR CHELSEA: JoeColeJoeColeJOECOLE is removed from play, and Yuri Zhirkov makes his EPL debut. The only man whose league debut was more hotly awaited: Alberto Aquilani.

77 mins: Lampard jogs from one flank to the other, sidefoots a pass off and Chelsea lose possession.

The game is fast disintegrating into a battle of the speculative long ball. Diamanti rouses the home support with a neat little run into the box, but his shot rockets right into a Chelsea defender’s midriff and the Blues finally clear.

80 mins: Herita Ilunga lets Drogba glide round the back, and turns bad to worse by scything down the Ivorian just outside the box. Moronic. Chelsea set up for a free-kick on the right flank; Lampard plays it short in Terry’s direction, but the defender’s attempt at a sidefooted volley ends up much like you’d expect. The Hammers counter quickly; Franco spreads it wide for Faubert, whose angled pass on for Collison is toed away by the defender for a West Ham corner. Diamanti’s delivery was deep into the 6-yard-box, and Carvalho tactlessly blasts through Franco’s back as the ball was in flight. Home fans scream for a penalty, but Drogba’s flick behind gives the Hammers another corner, one they promptly squander. A dreadful effort by Carvalho, but no repercussions.

83 mins: Scott Parker has a surging run up the middle and does manage to tap the ball past England’s Statue John Terry. Alas, the Hammers midfielder knocks it too far ahead and the Traffic Cone slides out to smother the loose ball.

My Pick for Man of the Match: Mike Dean’s little black book, for keeping up with all these bookings and infringements. John Terry gets his name on the yellow sheet for rushing through Julien Faubert as he tried to clear the ball on the right flank. Faubert looks like his ankle’s troubling him; knowing his injury history since joining West Ham, I’d reckon he will sit the next 2-3 months out with ligament trouble.

85 mins: A lovely move by Chelsea almost gives them the lead! Lampard’s run up the middle has the Hammers on their heels. He passes wide for Zhirkov, and the Russian shoots back across Green’s goal, forcing a wonderful save low to the left. Green can’t hold it, but Upson or Kovac is there to hoof it clear. Chelsea waste the ensuing corner.

87 mins: Nervy play by the Hammers in their own half, needlessly giving the ball away. Drogba almost gets free on the right side of the box, forcing a nice slide by Tomkins to end the threat. The Chelsea corner swings out to the edge of the box, and Zhirkov has a crack from 20 yards, one that loops and swerves narrowly over the bar.

Diamanti then wins a free-kick on the left, somewhat softly mind you, as he topples to the turf following Ivanovic’s move to shrug him off.

89 mins: HOW DID THAT STAY OUT!?!? Cech didn’t know much about that; the free-kick is swung in and right onto Franco’s noggin. The Mexican powers a downward header on goal, and the Traffic Cone makes a fantastic reflext save to kill the ball dead between his legs and send Zola into a frenzy on the sideline. Six inches to either side of the Czech goalie and the Hammers are back in front.

THREE ADDED MINUTES TO BE PLAYED

90 mins: West Ham win a free-kick in Chelsea’s half, but Diamanti’s lofted delivery bounces around a bit and is eventually hoofed clear. Green then nearly gifts Sturridge a goal, letting a long ball bounce and bobble near the Chelsea striker before finally falling on it. Robert Green to South Africa next summer?

90 mins + 2: Nothing of note to close out the game. Wolf-whistles reverberate around the ground as Chelsea amble forward looking to steal all three points. Nervy times for the Hammers, but Chelsea’s pressure ends when Terry tries a long cross-field pass to Drogba, one that the Ivorian can’t adequately bring under control.

FULL TIME: West Ham 1, Chelsea 1
All told, a fair result, though both sides had chances to seal it after a make-up penalty to the visitors early in the second half. If I were a Blues fan, I’d be happy with the point after United’s slip-up yesterday, but there has to be some concern over that midfield without Essien. January should be a lot of fun.

Thanks for playing along… enjoy the rest of your weekend!