EPL Liveblog: Sunderland v. Stoke City

Will Steve Bruce Be Smiling At Full Time Tonight?

It’s Alan Hutton’s new club versus Asmir Begovic’s new club, meeting on a cold Monday evening. What more does one need to know?

I expect all the anti-football in the world to turn up at the Stadium of Light. The insult “anti-football” was originally leveled at Darren Fletcher by everyone’s favourite snarky French manager in the EPL, but I bet his thoughts pale in comparison to the kind of black hole soccer practitioned by today’s away team. Stoke. The team with the long-thrower (who’s on the bench today, sadly).

Here’s hoping that Sunderland’s combative midfield duo of Cattermole and Cana can grind the Potters into a fine paste, leaving Messrs. Bent and Jones (who should be at Anfield right now, dammit!) to clean up by not assisting one another on goal-scoring opportunities.

Lineups, banter, etc after the jump.

In all seriousness, Steve Bruce could use a good, strong win tonight. His Sunderland team, long trumpeted as the fashionable underdog pick to upset the Top 7 or Top 8 this season, have been rather awful. They currently sit 13th with a 6-5-11 record, two points back from the awful brutes of Stoke, and would welcome a win. It’s been rough going of late; their last win in the EPL came back on November 21st when they beat Arsenal 1-0. Since then, a run of 3 draws and 6 defeats in their last 9 (including that 7-2 horror show at Stamford Bridge) has sent all but the staunchest fans running to the knife drawer.

They can at least console themselves with the sweet news that Pink is playing a concert at the Stadium of Light on June 11th. After all, despite all the misery and woe, the show must go on.

LINEUPS AND SUCH:

Sunderland: Gordon – Mensah, Turner, Kilgallon, McCartney – Malbranque, Cattermole, Cana, Reid – Bent, Jones.
Subs: Fulop, Bardsley, Zenden, Campbell, Henderson, Meyler, Da Silva.

Stoke: Sorensen – Huth, Shawcross, Abdoulaye Faye, Higginbotham – Diao, Whitehead, Whelan, Etherington – Sanli, Sidibe.
Subs: Simonsen, Lawrence, Beattie, Fuller, Collins, Delap, Wilkinson.

Referee: Howard Webb (S Yorkshire)

And it’s in HD on ESPN2! Back for kick-off.

3.02pm: Tony Pulis emerges well after everyone else from the tunnel, and we’re ready. Sunderland are in red/white, with Stoke kitting out in their black shirts. It’s -1 degrees celsius in Sunderland. Perfect weather for the long ball, then.

We’re underway!

2 mins: Some header tennis and hoofs lead to a pair of Sunderland throw-ins down the left wing. Bent and Jones wish the ball could make it that far. When a cross finally does come in, Sorensen leaps to gather as Jones pretends to challenge for the ball. Not that he’d have made it anyway, what with Abdoulaye Faye skulking around the area.

Stoke surprisingly break with style, carving that Sunderland backline apart for Dean Whitehead who can only shoot low at Gordon. A lovely move by Tuncay, who drew two defenders in before backheeling it through the gap for Whitehead. Shoulda done better there, Deano.

3 mins: Salif Diao earns a warning for scything down his opposite man, but Sunderland do nothing with the resulting free-kick.

5 mins: Foul, throw-in, foul, long ball, header, free-kick. More or less in that order. Etherington chases a wayward ball down the left but can’t retrieve it.

AND BREAKING NEWS… CELTIC HAVE CONFIRMED THEIR LOAN SIGNING OF ROBBIE KEANE. Like there was any doubt. Word has it that Keane will be paraded to the drunk/freezing cold masses at Celtic Park at 11pm tonight, and might even start for the club tomorrow. Talk about speedy.

7 mins: Dopey play by Salif Diao. He passes it right to Darren Bent on the edge of the Stoke area, but as the striker bears down on goal, Faye nips in to clean up the mess.

9 mins: Why did I agree to cover this ghastly mess?

Lorik Cana skies an overhit cross well over Jones and Bent in the area, and after some scrappy play involving a couple of throw-ins, Sunderland win the first corner of the game. Decent chance, too; the ball’s hit to the back post where Michael Turner reaches it and nods back across goal for Kenwyne Jones, whose half-volley is struck right at Sorensen. Moments later, Sunderland pour forward again but Steed Malbranque shanks his shot a country mile wide of goal.

12 mins: Another corner for Sunderland thanks to Ryan Shawcross, who juuuust about intercepted a cross meant for Jones. Andy Reid’s delivery isn’t as good this time, and Stoke clear.

14 mins: Stoke have a rare sortie in the Sunderland half, cut cruelly short when Malbranque tackles through the back of Tuncay. An easier free-kick decision you might never see. Glenn Whelan knocks it toward the back post where a murderer’s row of hard-headed Stoke players wait, though the home side clear. Abdoulaye Faye has taken a knock and is slow getting up. He’s hobbling a bit but is able to trudge toward the sideline for some magic spray. Wait — Faye’s body language suggests he’s not coming back on, perhaps having aggravated the calf strain he just recovered from. Cue some hilarious scenes where Faye and Pulis debate the player’s on-or-off status, eventually forcing Howard Webb to interject and usher the defender to the sideline. I reckon he’s coming off, and it appears that I’m right.

STOKE SUBSTITUTION: Andy Wilkinson on (and takes the captain’s armband to boot), replacing the hobbled Abdoulaye Faye.

Somewhere in there, Sunderland won another corner, but Andy Reid’s high smash isn’t really a threat.

19 mins: Despite the quality of football on display falling somewhere between Blue Square South and Sunday morning pub league, Sunderland are having the run of play thus far. However, considering that they haven’t got anything to show for it, you wonder if such a distinction is even worth anything.

Jones is bundled to the floor as he and Shawcross fight for a header, but the call goes against him.

22 mins: Salif Diao is whistled for a needless foul on Cana, who was busy losing the ball to Tuncay without much of a fight. Silly play, really.

24 mins: Cue camera shots of both managers, stood in their little technical areas, arms crossed and pensive, concerned expressions on their faces.

A brief flicker of excitement as Cana plays a ball up the gut for Jones to chase, but he runs out of space and Sorensen welcomes it with open arms. The crowd are, to my surprise, in full song. I’m assuming that singing is keeping them warm on this frigid night on Wearside.

26 mins: Throw-in, throw-in, mis**t pass, brief dribble, tackle, throw-in, overhit cross. Some excitement then comes from Etherington, who nips round the back of Mensah on the right and plays a cutback, but no teammate can get a handle on it and Sunderland bundle it clear.

28 mins: Arsene Wenger would look at this game and weep. That is if he’s finished crying after yesterday’s result.

Tuncay frees up some room for Whitehead via another nifty backheel pass, but the square ball finds only John Mensah who sidefoots it to safety.

30 mins: A decent break by Sunderland. Bent dummies a play on the cross, leaving it instead of Malbranque. However, the Frenchman shoots right at Sorensen. A minute before that, Tuncay tricked his way past his marker with an overhead flick (he really is a repository of tricks so far today), but can’t reach the ball.

32 mins: Shirt-pulling by Shawcross on Kenwyne Jones should have been called. Andy Reid swings a free-kick in from the left, but Jones is being so tightly, ahem, mangled by Shawcross that he can’t even jump to head the ball. Of course, Howard Webb missed it, and the home crowd voices their displeasure.

33 mins: Kenwyne Jones is clearly Stoke’s personal punching bag today. This time, Robert Huth takes a moment to forcibly impede the striker who’d turned his way to goal. Free-kick for Sunderland, and now Shawcross is back with an arm around Jones’ neck preventing him from continuing his run. Stoke concede a corner, and Shawcross again has a hook around his opposite man. Just what needs to happen before Howard Webb or his linesman spot an obvious foul?

YELLOW CARD: Whitehead (Stoke), 39
Oh boy, it’s all boiled over, and in lieu of good football, we’re just gonna get old-fashioned thuggery today. A large fracas on the right wing involving Dean Whitehead, who flies into Lee Cattermole recklessly and late and, by the looks of things, should have seen red. He could have easily broken Cattermole’s leg with the force at which he swung in for the ball (missing by a mile, mind you), and, to top it off, he legwhipped the Sunderland midfielder after he got to his feet. The crowd is absolutely furious, as is Steve Bruce. Then again, with Howard Webb in charge, we should expect this kind of poor refereeing.

40 mins: Upon review, the dismissal should have been for that kick/legwhip after the ball had gone. Either way, Webb’s missed maybe three penalties and a red card so far, and it’s not even half time. He must be aiming for a new personal best.

42 mins: Kenwyne Jones wins a free-kick, and, amazingly, Webb gets that one wrong as well. Jones stooped way down to head the ball and met Shawcross’ leg on the way down. Didn’t look like a high kick, more like a low header. Oh well. Webb is awful. The free-kick is some 25 yards out and 3 Sunderland players linger around it… nevermind. Andy Reid curved it artfully over the wall but softly enough that Sorensen could prance across his line and catch the ball. From the long punt downfield, Tuncay tries to control it with his arm and even Howard Webb couldn’t miss it.

44 mins: Another throw deep in Stoke territory for the home side, but it’s easily cleared. Cue some rather aimless passing and headers to no-one in particular. I’ve seen Big 10 soccer games with more verve than this. Two minutes of added dirge to come.

YELLOW CARD: Cattermole (Sunderland), 45 mins + 2
Ahh, revenge is a dish best served late and right before half-time. Whitehead gets chopped down by Cattermole on the right wing to make up for that shoddy foul ten minutes before. Webb wastes no time in brandishing the yellow, astute as he was to spot that it was the same duo at it again.

HALF TIME: Sunderland 0, Stoke City 0
GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK! That was truly awful stuff, but I shall soldier on. Amusingly, Whitehead and Cattermole share some choice profanities en route to the dressing room, so really, at this point I’m just hoping for some zesty fouls and red cards in the 2nd half. If neither side appears interested in playing football, at the very least they could be entertaining out there.

Back in 10 minutes.

I think we’re ready for the 2nd half. Who gets sent off first: Whitehead, or Cattermole?

We’re off! Stoke win a throw-in, and then Darren Bent is felled in midfield. Joy is me, Stoke being Stoke, etc.

47 mins: New recruit Matthew Kilgallon steams through the back of Diao (I think) in trying to head away a long ball, conceding a free-kick 30+ yards out and dead center. Glenn Whelan punts it toward the far post where Danny Higginbotham slides it back across goal, causing a mild panic. Sunderland scramble it as far as Sidibe, whose shot is blocked, and then Whitehead has his volley deflected over the bar for a corner. Never mind the threat, as Higginbotham is whistled for a push as the ball was in flight. Howard Webb clearly left his common sense in the dressing room during halftime.

49 mins: Absolutely nothing of note happening. I just drank a glass of water, and it was refreshing. Andy Reid whips in a decent cross from the left, but Sorensen gets to it just ahead of Malbranque, who leapt like a salmon for the high ball. Majestic in full flight, yet all for nought.

52 mins: Kilgallon does well to dispossess Whitehead who was closing in on goal. That said, it was Kilgallon’s mistake to let the ball bounce that gave Whitehead an opening, so let’s just say it’s a wash.

55 mins: If you squint just enough, you’d think you were watching this instead of an EPL game:

56 mins: A glimmer of excitement! Jones’ through-ball for Bent actually reached its intended target, the latter doing well to keep the ball in play. Lorik Cana’s near post run was seen by Bent, though one of the Potters’ defenders got there just in time to poke it behind for a corner, one that Andy Reid promptly wasted.

58 mins: A series of throw-ins interrupt that brief spell of intriguing football.

60 mins: Etherington’s cross from the left hits Mensah’s arm and goes out for a corner. Webb sees the handball and gives a free-kick instead. Huth, Shawcross and Diao lumber forward hoping for a decent cross, but Whelan’s delivery is too tricky for any of them and Michael Turner whacks it downfield.

62 mins: Mild controversy as Webb and his linesman fluff another call! Robert Huth clearly handles the ball on the right edge of the penalty area, blocking Darren Bent’s cross with his right arm. The linesman fails to spot it despite being merely 10 yards away from the action, and Webb awards a throw-in. The Stadium of Light crowd erupt into a frenzy, but all their protests fall on deaf ears.

STOKE SUBSTITUTION: The busy, menacing Tuncay is replaced by Ricardo Fuller. A shame really, as Tuncay’s efforts were about the best on the pitch today.

65 mins: Anything else on TV? Kenwyne Jones thumps a shot into Robert Huth, not striking his arm this time. Still the home side press, but Lorik Cana’s lob runs through to Sorensen, despite a clash between Shawcross and Bent who were in hot pursuit.

Shawcross really is milking that “collision” with Darren Bent. He’s off to the sideline for a quick spritz from the physio before jogging stridently back into the fray.

68 mins: It’s Stoke’s turn to prod the ball around the Sunderland box, hoping for a break, but the final delivery by Whelan pings out for a goal kick.

SUNDERLAND SUBSTITUTION: The fossilized remains of Boudewijn Zenden creak off the bench to replace the bustle of Andy Reid.

SUNDERLAND SUBSTITUTION: Young striker Fraizier Campbell replaces Steed Malbranque’s misdirected energy.

I think Sunderland are running a 4-3-3 now? Maybe they could dust off a classic 2-3-5 in an effort to break the deadlock.

70 mins: ESPN’s Jon Champion catches EPL chief Richard Scudamore yawning in the Director’s Box and offers a pithy “come on Richard, this is your product” in response. Hilarious! Of course, Champion will be fired for daring to question the wisdom of the hand that feeds, but it was still pretty damn funny.

With all the throw-ins whizzing about, it only makes sense that Rory Delap is shaping to come on.

73 mins: John Mensah finally makes some effort to put in a deep cross from the touchline and is rewarded by winning a corner. Bolo Zenden readies to take it, and though his delivery is piss-poor (and weakly hit to the near post), a scramble around goal almost leads to something positive for Sunderland.

YELLOW CARD: Fuller (Stoke), 73
YELLOW CARD: Mensah (Sunderland), 73
The sub and striker, barely settled on the pitch, gets into a fight with John Mensah and the pair are rightly carded for lashing out at one another.

STOKE SUBSTITUTION: Long throw-in machine Rory Delap replaces Salif Diao.

76 mins: It’s all Sunderland now, though in the grand scheme of today’s game, that doesn’t mean much. Zenden’s cross drifts tantalizing through the area but is too long for Campbell, though the lad chases down the ball, keeps it in play and wins a corner. However, the delivery is poor and Sorensen collects.

78 mins: Stoke attack, but you can barely call it that. With Michael Turner back in Sunderland’s back 4, they’ve been positively robust today. No more of those 7-2 defeats then, one might hope.

79 mins: Zenden has a run at Higginbotham on the left, cutting it onto his right foot for a cross but the delivery is too deep and bends around the post for a goal kick.

And Rory Delap finally has a throw-in to hurl… though Kenwyne Jones rises highest to nod it clear.

80 mins: I hope no-one’s watching this game with young children in the room. Such ugly anti-football will scar them for life, I fear.

81 mins: Some tricky play by Etherington through midfield frees Fuller for a run. The sub burns past Mensah, gallops into the box and fires off a zesty shot from the left side, but Gordon does enough to parry it clear (though he didn’t seem to know much about the shot at the time, hit with such pace as it was). Sunderland break down the left, but nothing comes from it. Still nil-nil. Still depressing. Still absolutely awful to watch.

YELLOW CARD: Wilkinson (Stoke), 83
The burly/moronic defender rams into Cana after the ball’s gone, earning the most pointless yellow card I’ve seen this season. Clumsy play.

84 mins: Campbell crumples in the Stoke box under pressure from Huth, prompting half the Sunderland side to scream for a penalty. Their shouts are ignored, and Stoke break down the left wing. Eventually Fuller has the ball in the box and meets a mild shove from Matthew Kilgallon as the defender clears out for a corner, though there’s no penalty shout worth answering there either. The corner is wasted, and we’re back to where we started nearly 85 painful, agonizing minutes ago. A draw here does neither side any real favors, so close as they both are to the relegation zone. That said, having endured this contest, I feel no remorse in wishing that both sides be relegated to the Colaship immediately.

87 mins: Header tennis around the Stoke penalty area, but Huth clears as Bent is closing in rapidly, and Etherington dribbles it to safety down the left. The home fans think their side is good for a late goal, but I can’t see it.

SUNDERLAND SUBSTITUTION: Jordan Henderson enters, replacing the foul machine that is Lee Cattermole. He exits to a fair smattering of applause.

Apparently, there’s four additional minutes to be played. May I be the first to ask: why?

89 mins: Mensah falls awkwardly in challenging Etherington down the left wing, which seems even more tragic now that Steve Bruce has burned his last substitution. The ball runs out for a corner, and Stoke nearly capitalize. The delivery is an outswinger aimed at Robert Huth, and the German obliges with a powerful header directed downward toward the far post. Sadly for an exasperated Tony Pulis, it’s 6 inches the wrong side of the post.

90 mins + 1: Nearly 35,000 people turned out to watch this game live. I feel deep sadness for each and every one of them, as more than a few are shown heading quickly for the exits.

90 mins + 2: Rory Delap has a canter down the right, though his cross doesn’t even stay in-bounds. Goal kick for Sunderland.

90 mins + 3: Still the home side attack, but it’s all disjointed and a bit imperfect. Jones can’t reach a long pass, then Henderson’s pass is misdirected. Just blow the damn whistle already, Howard!

90 mins + 4: Sorensen flops on top of a deep cross, and Steve Bruce looks frustrated on the sideline. Header tennis to close this one out, I reckon as the ball pings around midfield with no-one showing much desire to bring it under control.

FULL TIME: Sunderland 0, Stoke City 0
Everyone’s booing at the Stadium of Light, and if I were foolish enough to be there with them, freezing on those plastic seats, I’d be booing too. An absolutely rubbish team with max effort and min reward. I’m the biggest idiot for liveblogging it, but I dare say I learned a lot about myself and the EPL in the process. For one, never liveblog games involving Sunderland or Stoke.

The result means that Sunderland are now 10 EPL games without a win, and Stoke have just 1 in their last 10 (I think). On this viewing, it all makes total sense.

Thanks for being brave enough to keep me company. Onward and upward! I hear Robbie Keane is meeting the rabid Celtic masses in about an hour…