UF’s Rivalries Series: Arsenal vs. Chelsea

A perfectly-placed boot.

First, I f**king hate Chelsea.

By now you have probably read the musings of Autoglass on the rivalry between our London-based clubs, and perhaps you feel the way that he does. I’m not here to respond to his criticisms of my beloved Arsenal, but instead to heap my own scorn upon his beloved Blues.

And just as I’m sure that he knows I am neither a metrosexual media member, urbane attorney, or artistic poseur, Autoglass surely knows that my vitriol here is aimed at Chelsea FC and its supporters rather than at him as an individual. After all, when I choose to abuse him, I do so either in person (on the rare occasion) or over email. So sensitive, those Chelsea wankers!

Where to even begin with a side as loathsome as Chelsea Football Club?There are really two defining elements of the club, as I see it:

(1) they are the greatest collection of miserable c**ts in the EPL, and

(2) they bought their EPL titles.

All other criticisms of “The Pensioners” (ha! that implies that they’re old) really stem from these ideas, and they form the basis for the majority of the terrace chants that are flung their way.

(1) Chelsea FC is full of terrible human beings.
Autoglass criticized Arsenal for not being a physical club, arguing that they are more about “pretty play” than playing the game of football the way it is supposed to be played. Pot, meet kettle. With the exception of the admittedly fantastic Michael Essien, there is not one player on that side who plays in a clean physical manner, but there are plenty of hacks. John Terry, Frank Lampard, Deco, Alex, Joe Cole – these are men who make Paul Scholes seem capable in his tackling abilities. The worst offender is John Obi Mikel Obi John (or whatever he is calling himself these days), as Patrice Evra, Kolo Toure, or Phil Neville can attest. A dirty player is not a physical player – it takes little “steel” to scythe down a player from behind.

As for offense, is there anyone in the world who believes that the diving Ivorian is a physical player? In addition to Drogba, who is a world-renowned flopper, Chelsea also sports much of the Portuguese Olympic diving team thanks to the brief presence of Luiz Felipe Scolari. Players such as Carvalho, Bosingwa and Deco manage to go down at the slightest touch despite the fact that they are primarily responsible for defensive duties. And despite the protestations of our own Norfolk Ned, even the English players practice the fine art of referee deception, with John Terry again a notable offender.

Aside from their brutish behavior on the pitch, many people are now also beginning to realize that these men are truly disgusting in their off-pitch behavior as well. Everyone knows, of course, that John Terry has recently been proven to be one of the worst people in the history of the world.

Ashley Cole, apart from his acrimonious departure from Highbury, seems to like his captain’s style, as he too has been involved in numerous extra-marital affairs to the constant humiliation of his lovely wife Cheryl Tweedy. Ballack is German! John Obi Mikel kicks puppies! Florent Malouda has irresponsible hair! Nicolas Anelka has sulked his way through 8 different clubs! Strangely enough, the only individual who appears to have a soul off the pitch is Didier Drogba.

(2) Chelsea FC bought their titles.
Autoglass has been a Chelsea supporter for nearly 20 years now (I’ve been an Arsenal supporter for nearly as long – I mean, who didn’t love David Seaman and Ian Wright?), so he has suffered through the lean years but to many the club represents the emergence of bandwagon fans outside of Europe.

Though if you’ll permit me to make an analogy: If Manchester United are the Yankees, then Chelsea are surely the Red Sox.

The Blues have won 2 EPL titles, their back-to-back championships coming in 2005 and 2006 (by the way, Arsenal won in 1998, 2002 and 2004), after having won only 1 First Division title (in 1955; Arsenal have 10 First Division titles, their last one coming the year before the advent of the EPL). They have won the FA Cup 5 times, with their victories coming in 1970, 1997, 2000, 2007, and 2009 (Arsenal have won it 10 times, with their last title coming in 2005). They have won the League Cup 4 times, with those titles coming in 1965, 1998, 2005, and 2007 (Arsenal have won it twice, last in 1993).

Does anyone see a pattern in those results?

Chelsea FC was sold to Roman Abramovich for £140 million in June 2003, and since then the club has won 2 EPL titles, 2 FA Cup titles, 2 League Cup titles, and 2 Community Shields after spending £100 million on player transfers. The Russian oil magnate is so obsessed with winning at any cost that the club has enjoyed six different managers during his tenure, with the low point perhaps coming with Uncle Avram being jettisoned after taking Chelsea to the Champions League final. The side has no sense of history, and no sense of loyalty to player or manager – Abramovich runs his toy with impunity and his free-spending ways have directly influenced the likes of Manchester Arabia. Winning in this manner should leave a foul taste in the mouths of true fans, but those are undoubtedly few and far between.

As you watch the Arsenal v. Chelsea melee on Sunday, ponder these things:

1. Arsenal is criticized as “not English enough”, but Chelsea was the first side to field an entirely foreign squad in an EPL match (Boxing Day, 1999).
2. Arsenal is criticized as “not physical enough”, but Chelsea is well-known for having players that are deemed dirty and prone to diving.
3. Arsenal is criticized as “playing pretty, but not being concerned with winning”, but Chelsea is a club that is so concerned with winning at any cost that their financial tactics have had an adverse effect on the entire Premiership.

In his post, Autoglass argued that “the sides that win over time are sides of character.”

Unfortunately for him, Chelsea FC has neither won over time, nor done so with character.