There was no better option? How about not sending it out?

Yes, we, like a lot of other sites, have had a lot to write about John Terry recently. In fact, you might even be tired of it. But the fact of the matter is, Terry is a fatally-flawed human being. A chav with money who can’t escape his past no matter how much he makes or how boorish he acts.

The fact is that since making the grade and the pay of a professional footballer, Terry has been as good as one can be on the field and as bad as he can be, and consistent about it, off of it. That is where the John Terry Embarrassment Dossier comes in. Inside, find all of the little reasons we could dig up on why England’s Brave John Terry is not the man you want on your Valentine’s Day themed e-mail, Onion Bag (this really went out last week).

Taunting Americans stranded in London because of 9/11 attacks
On September 12, 2001, Chelsea were supposed to leave for Bulgaria for a Champions League tie against Levski Sofia. The match got called off, for myriad reasons, and some Chelsea boys went on a bender. Staying at a hotel near Heathrow Airport–one stuffed with Americans who could not fly home–Terry, along with a few teammates including Frank Lampard and Eidur Gudjohnsen, got drunk. In their drunken state, they apparently had a go at some of the stranded Americans, mocking them. Terry and the others were docked two weeks’ wages.

Hit a bouncer with a beer bottle upon being asked to leave a club
Alright, allegedly hit the bouncer with the bottle. Moving into 2002, in January, on a drunken night out, Terry got into an altercation with a bouncer after being asked to leave Wellington Club. He was accused of picking up a beer bottle and hitting Trevor Thirlwall in the face with it. Seven months later, while in the stand, Terry broke down in tears saying that while he had hit the bouncer (who attacked him first) he never broke a bottle over his face and had no idea how they could say such things about him. Also, when asked if he had made derogatory remarks about foreign people while the fracas was going on, Terry replied “No, not at all. Half the Chelsea team is made up of foreigners.” I just found that bit funny.

Illicit car fling with a 17 year old
Moving on to 2005. By this time, Terry was an established star, captain of Chelsea and full time member of the national team. He was driving a £100,000 car which he would sometimes use to try to bone girls whose thongs he fancied. After a chance meeting with the young lass, he got her cell (sorry, mobile) number and started sending her R-rated texts and requesting Hard-R-rated pictures back. Things moved on until she met him in a car park for some backseat loving. The lovely part is that, by this time, this was a well-known part of the Terry routine. The Sun article linked above says that this is at least the eighth time he had cheated on his future wife during their seven year courtship.

He’s a Gambler, and not a good one
These stories are all over the web as well. Apparently, as a man with too much money, Terry has a thing for gambling. All of the stories seem to be centered on horses with some, such as the one linked above, saying that he will lose the equivalent of his Bentley shag machine in a single day at the track. There is even some suggestion that this unnamed player–one who owed bookies one million pounds–was Terry, though Rooney seems just as likely a bet there (oh yeah, pun intended).

Rumored to have led the revolt that pushed Mourinho out at Chelsea
Back in 2007, Chelsea and especially Terry had a horrible start to the season. When things got so bad that Mourinho checked with the medical staff to see if Terry had a unreported injury, Terry blew up at him and allegedly started the wheels in motion to get Mourinho ousted by telling Roman Abramovich that The Special One had lost control of the locker room. Then, as is true to form, Terry denied it all to the press when asked.

Parks in a Handicap spot while eating lunch
Early in 2008, Terry had a hankering for pizza. For the two hours Terry spent in Pizza Express, he left his car in a convenient spot–the handicapped-accessible spot right in front of the restaurant. You see, it was slightly more convenient than the public car park across the street and Terry just did not have the 50p on him to park there anyway.

Moscow
May 2008. Not really a scandal, but just funny to watch EBJT cry his eyes out

Nice music, too.

He has a tranny doppelganger
If you don’t laugh at this, what are you doing on this site? In early 2009, a pre-op transsexual talked to her local paper about problems she had with the National Health System. The article included a picture, and a star was born. Poor John Terry. Not good looking as either a man or a woman.

Terry’s mom gets in on the embarrassment
Barely a month later, Terry’s mom got popped for shoplifting. Along with a friend, Sue Terry was caught trying to get away with almost 1,000 pounds worth of clothing and food. It seems oddly appropriate that the clothing the two ladies were trying to steal were track suits.

Not wanting to be left behind, dad gets in on the act
In November of 2009, John Terry’s pops, Ted, was caught on video trying to sell cocaine to an undercover reporter. News of the World got the scoop on this as well as the words of the man himself detailing his great familiarity with the drug trade in London.

Selling tours of Chelsea’s training grounds
News of the World must have a thing for both Terry and undercover reporters because one month later, they caught the Chelsea captain selling tours of the clubs training ground in Cobham. To his credit (at least on the face of it), Terry claimed that his share of the money would be going to Make-A-Wish, but he still made sure his bag man got a 20% cut first. Further, as the transcript bears out, Terry knew he was in violation of club rules by accepting the money, but seemed to think that as long as he did not touch it, he would be in no trouble. A facile take, to be sure.

Vanessa Perroncel
To his credit, Terry knew that if this story ever got out, it would be very damaging. He sought and got a superinjunction against a newspaper who were apparently about to break the sordid details of his affair with Vanessa Perroncel. Fortunately for the rest of us, High Court Justice Tugendhat removed the superinjunction and the details came flowing out. Once again, Terry had cheated on his wife. This time with the baby mama of a former teammate, Wayne Bridge, who has also been described as his best mate in the world. Oh, and she got pregnant, so John encouraged her to get an abortion, then threw a few hundred thousand pounds her way to keep her quiet. Classy.

Subletting his box at Wembley
On the heels of that story, this one has almost no juice, but the fact is this one is rather skeezy as well. Terry, or someone representing him, attempts to sell off access to a private box in a manner which goes against his lease agreement. Like the training ground thing above, it just has the feel of someone trying to see if he can get away with something without getting caught. The M.O. is the same too–middle man searching the deal, plausible deniability if caught–it’s almost as if it is more for the feeling of being above the law than it is for breaking any agreement.

One final, still-to-unfold mystery
The fact is, Terry may need that cash. On Saturday it was revealed that Terry had taken out a number of mortgages on his residence to the tune of £4 million, or about twice what he paid for it in 2003. This story is still in its infancy, but the speculation runs from hush money for other flings (up to 5 are being reported now) to rather huge gambling debts. Whatever it may be, I’m giddy with anticipation at finding out.