Riera’s Disease: Now With Hilarious Side-Effects

Chin Up, Albert. There's Always Brazil '14

On Memorial Day this year, I shall not mourn for the outspoken, out-of-favor Spanish winger Albert Riera. No midnight masses shall be held in his honor, no candles lit, no stories shared. Instead, I’ll laugh very, very heartily at his misfortune.

Rewind to a month or so ago, after Liverpool’s 1-0 loss at Lille in the Europa League. The result, embarrassing enough on its own, was capped by a wonderful tirade from Albert Riera, confirming the first diagnosed case of Riera’s Disease (a malady we chronicled on these very pages).

The outburst got him an express ticket to the transfer list, guided in no way by his wanton desire to play first-team football somewhere and ride Spain’s coattails to the World Cup squad (though he naturally forgot that spots on said squad are reserved for players who are actually good).

Behold! Suitors emerged from the Russian Super League; first, CSKA Moscow kicked the tires a little, but their crosstown enemies Spartak decided to take him for a closer inspection. A deal looked close for brave Albert — finally, freedom from Rafa’s idiotic kingdom! — and sweet vindication for a man not meant for English soccer (though like Manchester City, we were fooled early on by some promising cameos)… until the two sides couldn’t agree on personal terms and the deal fell through.

Now, our fallen winger has adopted the grovel position and begun to spout some choice compliments about how awesome the club actually is and has been all along!

Take it away, Albert: “I want to continue my career at Liverpool because it is one of the best clubs in the world. The feeling is spectacular, we have a great stadium and I feel very good at Liverpool. I speak with Fernando Torres and [José] Reina and agree on the greatness of Liverpool.”

Of course it is great! Nothing remotely resembling the “sinking ship” imagery you so vividly painted on Spanish radio four weeks ago. He noted he’ll decide his career in the summertime, which is shorthand for “I’ll go to the first club to show any interest and not be blinded by my selfish, boat-rocking ways whenever I fail to play well enough to merit a spot even on the bench.”

There were rumors that his attitude scuppered the deal, which makes his entire outburst seem even more idiotic than it was. As it stands, the 27-year-old, so obviously looking to torpedo LFC for the hopes of playing anywhere and getting a World Cup berth, will rot in the reserves for the rest of the season, and therefore miss out on a World Cup spot anyway.

So next time, Albert, we urge you to think before you speak. RD is a terrible ailment, and you don’t have too many good years left to ruin with your petulant flare-ups.