Liveblog: Manchester United v. Tottenham Hotspur

That's right. You will not score, you lanky cuss.

I swear if Peter Crouch does the robot today, I will gouge my eyes out with a spork.

This is a much bigger game than most people expected a couple weeks ago. But now, both sides have tons to play for, with United able to go top of the table and put pressure on Spartak London. Meanwhile, ‘Arry is trying to take Spurs to the promised land of Champions League football over Citeh.

In case you’ve forgotten for whom you should root, it might make you feel a little dirty. I know I will throw up a little in my mouth by rooting for Citeh later tohis morning in the bootroom.

So pour a cuppa, turn on ESPN2 and sit back for some EPL (suck it, Barclays) action.

First, let’s get through the rumor (no British spelling here, mister) mill:

– Gareth Bale ain’t gonna be sold.

– Neither is United’s backup backup goalie, Ben Foster.

– Fergie says he ain’t quitting anything.

– Why would he, when Luis Fabiano wants to come to Old Trafford?

I’m predicting a 2-1 United victory. Why? Because I’m the liveblog writer and I woke up early. That’s why.

Let’s get the lineups and get this liveblog started…

Man Utd: Van der Sar, Rafael Da Silva, Vidic, Jonny Evans, Evra, Fletcher, Scholes, Giggs, Valencia, Berbatov, Nani.
Subs: Kuszczak, Hargreaves, Brown, Carrick, O’Shea, Macheda, Gibson.
Tottenham: Gomes, Assou-Ekotto, Dawson, King, Bale, Bentley, Huddlestone, Palacios, Modric, Defoe, Pavlyuchenko.
Subs: Alnwick, Kaboul, Lennon, Jenas, Crouch, Gudjohnsen, Bassong.
Referee: Andre Marriner (W Midlands)

Pre-game: No Rooney. This can’t be good. If our season is in Berbatov’s hands, United are in real trouble. Why did I get up early again?

Pre-game: I can’t believe I just watched two guys catching a shark.

Pre-game: Why must I listen to Alexi Lalas? He discusses a friend who knows nothing about soccer. Sure, Alexi. A “friend.”

Pre-game: On a side note. Thanks to everyone voting for us in this little poll. We’re doing so well someone claims shenanigans. Like most things at UF, we’ve started out strong, but we’ll fizzle out in the end.

Pre-game: Can we PLEASE get to the game? I coulda slept for another 20 minutes. I don’t care that Miloc only wants to play for Dallas.

Pre-game: So it’s a groin for Rooney. Boy, England fans, he sure does seem to be breaking down a lot at just the wrong time. Hope that doesn’t hurt him for June 12 (U-S-A! U-S-A!)

Pre-game: Yes, WSR, that makes you a bad fan. Shame on you.

Pre-game: A straight 4-3-3 for United. At least they’ve realized that Berbatov can’t do it up there alone. And ‘Arry points out that he could have played safe, but he’s gone with the 4-4-2.

1st: minute: HERE WE GO!!! Man, Berbatov’s hair grows quick. He’s back to the hair band.

1st: United appear to want to grab a quick opener. And Berbatov gets closed down before he gets a real chance.

2nd: It looks early as if Spurs have opted for a counter-attacking style. Makes sense.

3rd: @James T — Yeah, it makes the dark here in California suck even more.

3rd: Giggs is playing a full-frontal striker. Should be interesting to see if he lasts the full 90.

4th: Berbatov has scored 8 goals in his last 11 starts?! I don’t buy it. But I guess it’s true. He just hasn’t impressed as much as Own Goal recently.

4th: A good cross and a corner from Spurs. Nothing doing.

5th: Settling in. Berbatov has Giggs on the right and is tackled easily by Palacios. We also just had our first poor Scholes tackle.

7th: I did that just for you, NYK.

7th: After a quick start, the game has turned sludge-like in a hurry.

8th: Pavs with his first real touch, but nothing doing.

9th: The announcer mentions that Citeh fans will be rooting for United. Old news, buddy.

10th: Crap first touch from Fletcher there. Is reading a liveblog by me like a horrible version of FanZone? I suspect it is.

10th: Spurs really don’t seem to have a lot of interest in getting forward. Even though they’re playing two strikers, it already seems as if they’ve got a draw on the mind. Side note: Iain Dowie or ‘Arry… who’s uglier?

11th: @WSR — Sneaking up and stealing things is what Scousers do, isn’t it?

12th: Very nice save there from Assou-Ekotto. United starting to threaten just a little.

13th: United are definitely starting to take control here. The big question to me is how this back four will hold up if Spurs decide to go for it.

14th: Boy, you have to love that right side of Rafael, Valencia and Giggs. Speed to burn.

15th: Free kick to United in the danger area. And a nice look at Nani’s abs.

16th: Nothing doing, but United have taken control of the match.

19th: Sorry. Interwebs decided to take a dump. Too early, I guess. Maybe it’s because there was an Owen Hargreaves sighting.

21st: Nani is crap so far today. All the real quality has been down the right. And honestly, have Spurs done anything really positive yet? I’m saying no.

23rd: Another question — has Bale touched the ball yet? He’s been so dangerous lately but doesn’t seem to have any part of the play so far.

24th: Van der Sar is Skinny Smurf in that outfit. Whoa, Bale is down. Is it real?

25th: Magic spray will do the trick.

26th: Another crap touch from Nani. He looks so good one day and so crap the next. And you keep expecting him to have to battle Sho Nuff.

27th: Again, have Spurs been positive at all? Not really. It strikes me that a side should go at this back four of United. They haven’t played together enough.

28th: Pavs with the first on-target shot, but nothing really to worry VdS

29th: WOW. A block on Berbatov’s shot and Nani misses. The work from Evra was nice there.

30th: Nani needs to go to the long studs. Valencia with a nice shot and a save from Gomes.

31st: Berbatov makes a hash of that. He had time, too.

31st: Gudjohnsen would kick some ash if he came in (I’ll be here all week).

32nd: You feel as if Spurs are sort of holding on now. But can United put it together? And James T, does it make you sad that I have so many fake friends today?

33rd: Berbatov also telling Nani he’s crap today. Dissent!

34th: I wonder how Paul Scholes felt about the Gingers being thwarted on South Park this week.

34th: Aaaaaaand another crap touch from Nani. Jesus, get him off the pitch.

35th: And Nani gives Spurs a great free kick. And how the hell can he complain about it?

36th: No danger from Bale’s free kick.

37th: So far, there’s been no central midfield play from Spurs. And United are always happy to fly down the wings.

39th: First real buildup from Spurs ends with nothing.

40th: For all of the close calls from United, they’ve only had one shot on target. But can they put it together? And BERBATOV over the bar. Sorry. Had to yell like the announcer.

42nd: I’m changing my prediction: This has the feel of a smash and grab 1-0 Spurs victory. They’ve had no run of play, no buildup, no possession. Nothing. So of course they’ll steal it.

43rd: Michael Dawson makes a good play. Start him for England!

44th: Bale earns another free kick. Can they do anything with it?

45th: A half full of sound and fury signifying nothing. United really should have a lead, but not by much. They’ve not had the touch at the end.

46th: Two minutes added. Yawn. I need more coffee.

47th: I don’t need to see shirtless Mancunians. Please.

HALFTIME: United had all of the possession and every half-chance, but they just can’t put it together. Will Spurs try to make a go for goal in the second or continue to back up the bus? I’m gonna grab a bagel and more coffee. See you in a couple minutes.

HALFTIME: So far, the heroes for Spurs are Ledley King and Dawson. Both have been strong. Giggs and Valencia have been the best players for United. I don’t agree with JT that the game has been pants, but it definitely isn’t “pulsating” like Ian Darke likes to say.

HALFTIME: So changes for the second half? Palacios has been pants for Spurs, and honestly, Nani needs to be put away today. But Fergie doesn’t have another wing to put in. He could move Giggs back to the wing and put in Macheda, but Giggs has been the only real threat up front. Again I say, this has the feel of a smash and grab from Spurs.

HALFTIME: I love it. Zuma loves that Oooo-sah has bought the most tickets, but now he wants us to actually show up.

HALFTIME: Hey, look at that! David Hirshey and Roger Bennett have done a World Cup companion book for ESPN. I don’t shill for the WWL, but Hirshey is a friend of UF (isn’t he?) and I’ve heard some good people contributed to the book.

46th: I love how fans can ask for autographs DURING the game at Old Trafford. ‘Arry obliged.

47th: Spurs look as if they said, “We survived the first half. Now let’s push forward some.” Meanwhile, Evra is down. That can’t be good.

47th: Defoe and Pavs make a mess of that chance.

48th: Wishful thinking, jjf. And I guess Evra just needed a rest after having too many orange slices at halftime.

49th: No subs on either side, by the way. Another crap touch from Nani. That makes 62 so far.

50th: It’s not the best thing when Giggs is by far the best player on the pitch. I have a huge man-crush on him, but come on.

51st: So I wonder if the bookies will have an over/under on the number of kidnappings during the World Cup. And an over/under on South Africa kidnappings vs. drug cartel kidnappings in Brazil in 2014. Just wondering.

52nd: Even Nani’s free kick is pants. Get him out. Now.

53rd: Wow. Berbatov heads it nicely and Fletcher misses a sitter. Chance lost.

54th: Palacios with an ugly-ass run that turns into a good save from VdS. Defoe is coming off for Spurs. And the volcano man is on.

56th: No talking about other games, Ryan. This ain’t no bootroom. (I kid)

57th: And Nani almost has a decent touch. But not really.

58th: PENALTY!!!!

59th: A nice backheel from Berbatov and Assou-Ekoto had no choice but to bring Evra down. And Giggs puts it away. Deserving for him to score it. 1-0 United!

59th: Really, Berbatov made the only play he could and did well to get it to Evra. BAE had no choice.

60th: Valencia hurt. Giggs moves to the wing, Carrick comes in. United drop into more of a 4-5-1 now, don’t they?

61st: Yeah, it’s Berba up top, Giggs, Carrick, Fletcher, Scholes and Nani in midfield and Evra, Vidic, Evans and Rafael across the back. Let’s see if Spurs change to push.

62nd: Now this looks a little more like the real United. Berbatov seems to have sprung to life. Maybe he was pacing himself.

64th: My god Nani is bad today. Just horrible. And I still haven’t seen any kind of positive move from Spurs. Aaron Lennon and Crouch have to be coming on at some point.

66th: David Bentley off. Aaron Lennon on. And Spurs are changing to a more attacking formation. Will it make a difference? To this point, they haven’t gotten a damn thing going. How is this the same team that beat Chelsea so soundly?

68th: Wasn’t that the perfect thing to wake up to, Goat?

69th: Spurs are trying now. The match is sure to get interesting now. And Nani is still absolute pants.

70th: Ryan, I think moving Palacios to the back line makes sense, actually. He’s been a thug, and with United only playing one up top…

71st: Ledley Effing King. Great header. Horrible marking by Carrick

72nd: Wow. Rafael should have stood tall and blocked that. Instead he tried to kick it out. Idiot. VdS looked incredulous at the youngster.

73rd: United immediately try to get the lead back, but Spurs look like a new team now. Amazing.

74th: I’m really tired of saying Nani is crap. So from now on, I’ll just use the code word “typical.”

75th: Aw nuts, here comes the Stick. Crouchaldinho. Pavs off.

76th: That goal is all on Rafael.

76th: Vidic with an amazing poke there on Volcano.

78th: typical

78th: One has to wonder if United have another goal in them. Not sure they do. And VdS comes out 35 yards to get the ball. This is starting to feel like a Cup tie.

80th: Macheda’s on. So United either playing a 4-4-2 with Fletcher in the back or moving to a 3-4-3. Either way, it’s clear one point is not an option.

81st: 2-1 UNITED!!! But I can’t even celebrate because Nani will think he’s played well. It’s a class goal, but damn.

82nd: Great ball from Macheda to get Nani free there. Now how does United line up? They have no full defense. Does Carrick move back? And Scholes dinks his way out of danger!

84th: Well played, Ryan. Meanwhile, Berbatov sends his ball “deep into the Stretford End.” Hi-yo!

86th: Nani will proclaim himself man of the match. Amazing. Pants for 79 minutes, then the hero in four minutes. I can’t even enjoy that performance. He was worse than bad. 3-1 United. Suck it, Autoglass.

89th: My man of the match is still Giggs. He’s been consistently quality. Berbatov hasn’t been as bad as I expected. And truly, Spurs came in begging to take a point, and that killed them. They played positively for 10 minutes and got a goal, but they haven’t played positively otherwise.

90th: 4 minutes added. Interesting point is United have closed the goal difference a little. And now Nani is down hurt. Typical.

92nd: I want to see Nani puke on the pitch. That would be cool.

93rd: What does it say about both United and England that I haven’t missed Rio Ferdinand at all today? I truly think he’s done. And that’s bad news for you limeys.

FULL TIME: Well, this is the right result. United were always the more dangerous team. Spurs played pretty negatively overall. Man Utd. go top of the table for now. Thanks for hanging out with me this morning. 3-1 United. CAMON STOKE!!!!!

FULL TIME: Bootroom will appear above. And don’t forget to vote for us in this little poll so more people can accuse us of cheating.