Credit where it’s due; in this case, Carlsberg, the Danish lager maker whose effervescent, weak beverage has been the English hooligans’ beverage of choice. Their ad for England’s World Cup journey is a remarkable feat in aggressive imagery, sentimentality, and psychosis.
I applaud them for their efforts.
Before we proceed, the ad in question:
Check the procession of English sporting heroes: Psycho Pearce, Trevor Brooking (keep going), World Cup winner Jack Charlton! Oh, and Olympic rowing god Steve Redgrave wearing a flag, runner Kelly Holmes, sailor (?) Ellen McArthur, boxer Nigel Benn throwing a few fists. Let’s bring on Phil Taylor, who had to throw a dart lest he be misidentified), Carl Fogarty on a superbike, some dude ramming a flag pole into a concrete slab (BECAUSE THESE COLORS DO NOT RUN), a painted-up, shirtless Jeff Stelling (bless you, Jeff), cricketer Ian Botham fitted out in Richard the Lionheart-esque chainmail, all topped off with a CGI’d Bobby Moore next to a lion. A f**king lion.
One wonders how the USA, surprisingly more subdued and internal in their soccer ads, would approach such a task; I’m guessing that Michael Jordan would slam-dunk Nancy Kerrigan into a basket made of eagles? Or perhaps the 1980 Olympic hockey team would destroy one of the Decepticons while Van Halen guitar solos ring out over the chaos?
All jokes aside, it’s a woeful, laddish ad that will have the lager-swilling masses teary-eyed for the days of 1966 that most of them couldn’t possibly remember. Sean Bean’s voiceover sounds like a 21st century revision of that iconic speech in Henry V, but it can’t disguise the fact that the ad wizards should lay off the cocaine next time. That ad doesn’t make me want to win a World Cup; it makes me want to destroy my television and get drunk instead.
We few, we happy (winless in two generations, consistent underachievers, couldn’t hit a penno if Linda Hunt were the keeper) few.
Hey now… Diana Ross missed with an oversized, unguarded net in 1994. Glass houses, EF!
The Jeff Stelling bit is classic.
Whatever the content, ours would surely be set to a meretricious Toby Keith anthem.
Also, my contracts professor read that speech to my class in 1L year, as we neared our first ever law school finals, after giving us a speech about how much better we are than business school students.
@Anonsters: My conlaw professor told me that the one thing he learned in law school was that he was capable of learning any topic well enough in three days to get a 3.25 on the final. Those were poisonous words to a known procrastinator like myself. After graduation, I told him law school taught me I can learn any subject well enough in three days to get a 2.5.
The USA’s should just be the training montages from Rocky. I’m getting a lump in my throat just thinking about it..
I’m getting a lump in my pants just thinking about it