Nike Ad Breaks Record; One Guy Hates It

I welcome our swoosh-shaped overlords.

It’s time for a little Fire Joe Morgan homage. But first, the news.

Nike’s “Write the Future” ad, which we posted and loved, has set a record as the most-watched viral video in its first week on Youtube. We all noticed that about a half hour after we posted the video, every media outlet in the country posted it (not that they read us, but we can dream…), and it all led to a staggering 7.8 million views in the first week.

But for all the love and awe the ad invoked, one guy hated it. Really hated it. Almost as much as Roger Ebert hated “North.”

Let’s have a look at “How Could Nike Get Its World Cup Ad So Wrong?” FJM style, shall we?

For those of you who don’t know or who forgot because you were drunk, FJM was a sports blog that took great pleasure in skewering the insane and inane that its writers heard and read on a daily basis. UF has done this a few times.

I’m no Ken Tremendous, but with respect to FJM, let’s bathe in the words of Stephen Armstrong of the Guardian:

Nike commercials before a World Cup are a bit like C-list celebrities switching on the Christmas lights: they promise the arrival of a wonderful event but often turn out to be a bit of a shambles.

So the commercials are like Kathy Griffin or Tootie from “The Facts of Life” turning on the Christmas lights? Maybe so, but most people in your country (England) and around the world would rate Didier Drogba, Cristiano Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney as better than C-list stars. Plus, there’s Homer Simpson and Kobe Bryant for the Americans. Besides, I already feel bad for you because you apparently had sad holidays. Did you not get a Red Ryder BB gun?

No previous Nike campaign, however, has stumbled so spectacularly as this year’s three-minute epic. Wayne Rooney, Didier Drogba and Cristiano Ronaldo, among others, line up for key shots in the tournament, fluff them, are mocked and ridiculed, before suddenly – guess what? – it turns out to be a kind of dream.

First of all, the only “down side” we see is Rooney’s. But the thought of that failure pushes him to eventual victory. Drogba’s shot is saved by Cannavaro, who is lauded and now has that song stuck in my head again. Did you watch the thing?

In reality they score and everyone wants to have sex with them.

Well, isn’t that reality anyway? I know I would. Except with Ribery. He’s only marginally human.

Rooney’s appearance is particularly bizarre: under tabloid attack, he ends up living in a caravan and sporting that essential sign of miserable failure – a beard.

Considering I can’t grow a beard to save my life, I still envy Rooney even in this scenario.

Homer Simpson shows up at one point, underlining the ghastly truth that Nike is actually trying to be funny.

You ignorant moron. Homer’s appearance, along with the “Ronaldo” bio-flick, show that with his success, C-Ron is part of Hollywood and a worldwide superstar. Besides, Ronaldo goes to Springfield. Duh. Again I ask, did you watch the thing?

This feels wrong. Nike founder Phil Knight launched the company in 1964 in imitation of Adidas, the shoe giant created by Nazi party member Adolf Dassler. Thus, trainer commercials over the last 30 years have tended to resemble Leni Riefenstahl’s film of the 1936 Berlin Olympics with its übermenschen. Watching Nike use Homer Simpson is a little like watching the Terminator tap dance through Putting on the Ritz.

So now Nike and adidas are actually Nazi-like propaganda machines meant to make us, what?, get rid of all the non-runny-types? It’s advertising. The concept that a Nike ad is parallel to seeing the Aryans race against Jesse Owens, who wore spikes made by Dassler — a man who joined the Nazi party but whose lack of support for the party caused, in part, the rift with his brother Rudolf (a suspected SS agent) that led to the brother starting a different company (Puma) — is among the most absurd and offensive things I’ve ever read. And I’ve read a lot of Irvine Welsh. And again with the Homer Simpson? I like Homer, as do most people. Maybe it’s an English thing. Then again, Wallace and Gromit are in a World Cup ad, too. And if you’re going to make a clunky Puttin’ on the Ritz reference, there’s only one that works.

Previous ads have foundered on the Curse of Nike – other spots included Eric Cantona, who was promptly dropped, and Dennis Bergkamp, before Holland failed to qualify. This year we see basketball player Kobe Bryant, most famous in Europe for a sexual assault case that was later dropped; Franck Ribéry, banned from the Champions League Final and interviewed by police as a witness in an investigation into underage prostitution; and Ronaldinho, who was too old to make this year’s Brazil squad.

The Curse of Nike? I thought that was Sports Illustrated. Let’s look at his claims: Cantona wasn’t dropped after Nike ads. He lost his place because of a kung fu kick and a suspension, then didn’t get it back because of this Zidane fellow. Of course Nike had something to do with Bergkamp and Holland’s failure (but how about his time at Arsenal? How’d that go?). Kobe grew up in Europe, you moron. And Ribery’s suspension and hooker-gate happened before the ad, not after. As for Ronaldinho, well, you got me there. Kudos.

Slightly unfairly, the curse has embraced ITV. The broadcaster debuted the ad during the Champions League final, but somehow managed to cut Nike’s name off the end. Nike and ITV have reportedly agreed compensation in the shape of an undisclosed number of free ad slots, proving just how dangerous it is to put out a multimillion-dollar sporting god commercial featuring a man whose catchphrase is “D’oh!”

Compensation for missed or screwed up ads is standard practice, twit. If your newspaper runs an ad with a typo, your advertiser gets a make-good ad. But you don’t worry about that because you’re in the newsroom, right? As for the close, I don’t even know where to go with this except to say “Eat My Shorts.”

Look, I’m not a Nike guy. I prefer adidas. But this guy not only misses the point, he forgets what it’s like to have fun. Just sit back and enjoy the ride, bonehead. Here endeth the rant.