Weep.
We praised the best of the Group Stages — and believe me, it’ll get reevaluated as the tournament draws to a close — but it’s time to point out those who didn’t exactly impress this summer.
In homage of the great Argentine 4-3-3, we proceed as follows:
GK – Ri Myong-guk (North Korea)
Oh, how easy it would be to dump Robert Green in here for his excruciating gaffe against the US, or even Algeria’s keeper Faouzi Chaouchi for his mistake against Slovenia in the same group. Both were demoted to the bench (as Green finds himself on this team, purely for the symbolism of his error and its fallout), but the brave Chollima stuck with their proud shot-stopper, perhaps hoping for sustained performance. He did well against Brazil, sure — though we can admonish him for deserting his near post on Maicon’s wonder goal — but any time a keeper lets in seven in a single game, that has to rocket them to the top of a bad bunch.
DF – Oh Beom-seok (South Korea), Fabio Cannavaro (Italy), Aleksandar Lukovic (Serbia), Patrice Evra (France)
Carelessness and incompetence abounds through this backline quartet.
Beom-seok, a throwback RB noted more for his tackling than anything else, was hastily drafted in to provide grit against Argentina, only to end up being more or less responsible for all four Albicelestes goals. He conceded the two free-kicks in the first half that Park Chu-Young og’d and Higuain nodded home from a marginally offside position. In the second half, he was adrift as Messi and Aguero worked down the left side to help complete Higuain’s hat-trick. Good work, Oh!
As for Cannavaro, he was the captain of the Titanic. Shipping three goals to Slovakia, helped by some brainless marking and sloppy defensive shape, has to fall on the talisman, especially with Buffon watching the trainwreck from the sidelines.
Lukovic gifted Ghana a win in the opening game with some cloddish tackling and a stupid second yellow that segued nicely into Kuzmanovic’ brainless handball, following up with a woeful display in the final group game against Australia, when the Socceroos romped to a restorative win.
Finally, the French “captain” Patrice Evra. We always suspected the malcontent within, whether expressed behind closed doors or in fights with groundskeepers at Stamford Bridge, but to see his real captaincy skills at the World Cup was a treat. His work on the pitch was passable, but managing to commit mutiny and get yourself stripped of the armband and unceremoniously dumped to the bench for your leadership efforts is a real treat.
MF – Jeremy Toulalan (France), Steven Pienaar (South Africa), Ricardo Clark (USA)
Three guys who limped through the group stage. Poor Rico never had a chance; a reasonable effort against England saw him dropped for the final two group games in favor of better options (though the sooner we forget about JF Torres, the better), and his deficiencies were painfully laid bare against Ghana. A half-hour, a yellow card, and extreme culpability for Ghana’s opening goal.
Toulalan was another CDM no-one really wanted in the mix; Lassana Diarra’s pre-tournament illness meant that there was no other choice. A foul machine who offered little grace or grit beyond the yellow cards acquired against Uruguay and South Africa. Not a spiritual heir to the poise of Emmanuel Petit or Didier Deschamps.
As for Pienaar, he was always going to be up for extra scrutiny by virtue of being the most well-known South African player in the game (with tubby rule-breaker Benni McCarthy coming in a close second). In all three games for Bafana Bafana, Pienaar was largely useless, contributing nothing to the midfield and finding no kind of kinship with his domestic-based teammates. Then, we heard that he was undergoing contract wrangles with Everton and trying to figure out his future at the same time, putting his listlessness and dour performances into a depressing context. Too busy focused on his career than helping his country. And doing neither particularly well.
ST – Wayne Rooney (England), Alberto Gilardino (Italy), Fernando Torres (Spain)
To close out this dismal eleven, three strikers who did nothing to help their teams. All have struggled in 2009/10 with injuries, but they’ve all fought to find form that never materialized. Rooney was supposed to be a big star this summer; instead, he’s working on his facial hair and leafing through catalogs for a caravan in periwinkle blue. Torres missed a boatload of chances against Honduras, and has found himself in the ignominious position of being the first man subbed off for Spain. And I’d comment on Gilardino’s work in this World Cup, except he simply hasn’t done any.
Subs: Robert Green (England), Steven Gerrard (England), Jean Il-Makoun (Cameroon), Jon-Dahl Tomasson (Denmark), Eren Derdiyok (Switzerland)
A collection of a**holes, all culpable. I do rate Derdiyok, though he missed Iwelumo-esque chances in the Chile and Spain games that could have helped his team escape this group.
As a palate-cleanser, the collated ratings from The Guardian, who allowed readers to rate players during every World Cup game so far. The 10 lowest scores of the competition are slightly slanted towards those Euro-FAIL teams, but still entertaining…
2.45/10 – Wayne Rooney (ENGLAND v. Algeria)
2.5 – Harry Kewell (AUSTRALIA v. Ghana)
2.57 – Emile Heskey (ENGLAND v. Germany)
2.76 – Wayne Rooney (ENGLAND v. Germany)
2.77 – Sidney Govou (FRANCE v. Mexico)
2.89 – John Terry (ENGLAND v. Germany)
2.89 – Andre-Pierre Gignac (FRANCE v. Mexico)
2.9 – Sidney Govou (FRANCE v. South Africa)
2.92 – Nicolas Anelka (FRANCE v. Mexico)
2.99 – Frank Lampard (ENGLAND v. Algeria)
No Onyewu?
Let’s not forget the referees. Assistants are the Tevez offside call guy, and the Lampard “goal” guy. Center spot duties go to Stephane Lannoy (Luis Fabiano handball/ weird laugh about it), and Koman Coulibali is the fourth official.
Special congratulations to Torres, who has sucked so bad that he made this list despite being the only one whose team is still in the tournament…
And who gets to coach this magical group of f**k-ups? It has to be Raymond le Roi, right?
@MP
Absolutely
__
Quick throw, Javier resigns as El Tri manager
Hearing Bielsa to Mexico (Times podcast I think?). That would be terrifying for the US imo.
Nando has sucked the big one in terms of his individual output, etc., but he brings a dimension to Spain that they need. His presence up front with Villa has freed Villa considerably. The difference for Villa alone between the first game, when Torres didn’t play, and the other games in which he did, is remarkable.
fuuuuuuuuuuuck. I want Bielsa.
@Anonsters
That sounded vaguely tactics-related. Are you feeling alright today, old chap? Seriously though, I agree in that, though the individual has failed to live up to his standards this summer, enough to qualify him for this list.
Torres= Spain’s Emile Heskey?
As bad as Cannavaro has been for club recently, he’s was actually pretty decent in the Cup. Italy only allowed six shots all tournament. Not his fault that five of those were scored goals. They actually did an okay job shutting down opposition. Italy’s problem was that they hardly tried to score until there were 25 minutes left against Slovakia.
Tno – can’t blame the assistant ref for Lampard’s goal. He’s standing at the 18 with the last defender, right where he should be. A little math means he’s ~50 yards away from where the shot goes in. Virtually impossible to make that call from that position in the split second it happened.
Thus, the biggest fail of the whole show is still FIFA for being too f**king stupid and stubborn.
Also JF Torres would have been a better choice than Rico Clark. And how dare Harry Kewell break up the England-France duopoly of suck?
I don’t think JF Torres was a problem at all. I think the problem was playing him in that formation with those particular players. Expecting him to anchor the midfield while Michael Bradley ran off chasing butterflies was a ludicrous tactical decision from Huh Bob.
@LE
C’mon! He was terrible, regardless of what he was put there to do!
@JT: Alright fine he was terrible. But I think he would have been good had he been used properly.
No Findley?
No, Findley is the starting F on the “You’re joking, right? XI”
Findley doesn’t even deserve to be on this list.
Wait, that could be misinterpreted. I’m saying he’s even worse than everyone on here. He should be on the “Worse than Worst XI” list.
Findley receives an “Incomplete”.
You spelled “Incompetent” wrong
Nice
I don’t know his name, so this isn’t going to help much but did ANYONE watch South Africa’s opening game against Mexico and watch the left back? Oh my goodness- South Africa had the slowest, most lead-footed left back in history. Such poor touch. Offered nothing going forward. Was painful to watch I was getting squeamish hoping they’d make a switch… Lucas Thwala was his name.
I think it was the worst performance, in my opinion, of the entire World Cup. Then again, he can’t have the biggest reputation in the world as an ORLANDO PIRATE – so it wasn’t a “let down” because he had no expectations, but come on Thwala – he was just NOT international quality.
So so poor. I am faster.
@Ibra: I’d forgotten about him, did he end up featuring in any other games for Safrica? He got annihilated by Mexico in that game. Every attack they had initiated down his side. H was so ineffective it was like South Africa was playing with 10 men.