College Writer Gets an ‘F’ for Effing Idiocy

The Ramblin' Wreck indeed.

I didn’t realize that Georgia Tech allowed people to be drunk or stoned and write editorials. That’s the only explanation for Alex Mitchell’s suggestions for MLS and U.S. soccer.

Look, I was in college a long time ago, too, and I know that college papers are full of kids who write crazy opinion pieces that sound great at first but really are just dumb. Young Mr. Mitchell has done too many beer bongs in this case. His suggestions? Make the field smaller and the goal larger.

Bravo, Alex. Bravo.

I thought about doing a full Fire Joe Morgan on this, but it’s not worth it. so I’ll just pull out a couple of choice bits. My responses are in bold.

“The U.S. continued to glue fans to their seats with their first elimination game against Ghana, but they could not continue their win streak. Ghana slipped by the U.S. in a 2-1 extra-time thriller.
“So now after all of the excitement, what impact has the amazing run by the U.S. in the World Cup had on soccer here in the States? Absolutely none.
“ESPN is no longer showing replays of Donovan’s amazing goal. Analysts and reporters are no longer talking about the World Cup on a regular basis. The fans that cared are now immersed in baseball or counting down the days to the start of American football. In a sense, the sports world has gone back to a regular summer and it is as if these exciting matches never even took place.”

I will choose not to be a copy editor and point out that, according to AP Style, “the U.S.” is wrong — it’s “the U.S. team” or “the United States” — or that you have a winning streak. not a win streak. Or maybe I will, but that’s me just being a style nerd. Let’s get to the point: Have you watched ESPN in the last six days? Or “The Daily Show”? Or Letterman? Or “Good Morning America”? Landon Donovan, his goal and Tracksuit Bob have literally been EVERYWHERE. And in case you haven’t noticed, when ESPN buys the rights to an event, they don’t just drop it midstream. I sat in a bar in Rancho Cucamonga, CA, tonight (WITH NO GAMES TODAY) watching on ESPN and talking soccer for 45 minutes with a half-dozen people who are all over Argentina and the Netherlands to win it all but who knew nothing about soccer until two weeks ago. Just because you’ve gone back to World of Warcraft (Leeeeroy Jenkins!) doesn’t mean everyone else has.

“Along with MLS’ failure to market its players, MLS fails to market its teams. MLS is hardly ever televised, and most fans around the country struggle to name any MLS teams. Other professional sports teams are on television for every game and a couple leagues have their own networks.”

I’m going to give you a little bit of a break here because you’re in Atlanta and you have no MLS team nearby. Also, I do think the MLS can do better in marketing its players and its teams. But, in fact, MLS is on TV more than ever, with games on Fox Soccer Channel and ESPN2 every. single. week. As for other pro teams, only the NFL has all of its games broadcast nationally. When was the last time you saw a Golden State Warriors game there in Atlanta? Or a Cincinnati Reds game? Can you even find Versus for the NHL on your cable system? The MLS has about as much TV time as a league that is still in toddler-dom should have. It could be more, sure, but that will come if the product on the field improves. Which brings me to your most awesomest point.

“In order to gain money to market their teams and players, MLS needs to put fans in seats and the way that soccer is currently played, that will never happen. American sports fans are used to seeing 200-point basketball games, amazing touchdown catches and towering home runs. Americans need to be constantly entertained, and no American sports fan wants to watch a 90-minute game where the score ends at 1-0. MLS needs to change the game to allow teams to score more frequently.
“There is a simple way to increase scoring: increase the size of the goals and decrease the size of the field. These changes will produce more goals and make the game more exciting for the American fan.”

Really? Larger goals and a smaller field? That’s what you came up with? And you’re at Georgia Tech, so you’re probably not dumb. First, a smaller field doesn’t mean more scoring. Especially if you keep the game 11 vs. 11. Less space with the same number of people will mean fewer chances to score. And a larger goal? Sure. Let’s go for it. And then, when our MLS players get called up to play in the World Cup, they’ll totally be prepared to go back to the same goal that the rest of the world is using. Also, did you know that the NBA hasn’t averaged 200 points a game for more than a decade, and there were 11 NFL teams that averaged fewer than 2 touchdowns per game last season. Rule 1 of sports journalism: Don’t pull generalizations out of your ass. They hurt.

I know, I know. I’m being rough on this kid. But let’s be honest, this is the kind of idiocy that permeates more than just the Georgia Tech paper. It’s our job — our duty — to call bulls**t.

One last thing, Mr. Mitchell: I can’t believe you’re going to worry about the style of play in MLS when your football team runs the wish bone offense. Talk about boring…

Here endeth the lesson.