Things We Missed: Human Placenta

Ceci n'est pas un pipe. C'est un placenta.

Not in the general sense, mind you, but in relation to last fall’s hottest craze among crocked soccer players desperate for a speedy recovery: horse placenta, as administered by a Serbian woman, Mirijana Kovacevic.

So many players used it that I lost track: Yossi Benayoun, Glen Johnson, Albert Riera, and Robin van Persie were all noted as disciples of the technique, which apparently involves a lot of rubbing the gelatinous goop — is it gelatinous? I don’t even remember, and I witnessed the full, uncensored birth of my first child last June — all over the afflicted limb, followed by lots of well-wishing and hope on the part of the player.

However, horse placenta became a boring story… until a random story appeared a couple of days ago about Kevin-Prince Boateng receiving the treatment following Ghana’s 2-1 win over the USA. And this segment stopped me dead in my tracks:

“In her early forties, the pharmacologist is charming, glamorous and very switched on. “I don’t do this to become famous,” she says. “It’s because I love working with players.” But she does want to clarify two things. First she doesn’t use horse placenta. It’s human placenta she buys from hospitals and then mixes it with other ‘natural’ chemicals.”

Wait, what?

Apparently, Kovacevic has been using human placenta this entire time!

A quick trackback to find reports from the initial wave of healings shows that this was apparently common knowledge. Benayoun confirmed that he was treated with the human variety, and our very own u75 even snuck it into a November issue of Backpasses — I’ll admit, I sometimes forget links included in his excellent nightly digest — and it seems that all the comments contained therein glossed over the same somewhat startling fact.

This is insane. Of course, my primary thought is not some spiritual dilemma, but more of a logistical issue: how does she acquire enough placenta to fulfill her treatments? Does she have a buyers’ network that scoops up regular placenta shipments from hospitals all across Serbia? Do they only take placentas from certain women who pass pre-screening tests? Is there even a pre-screening test for something like this? How much placenta does she use per treatment? Is it a relatively pure “patented gel” that she treated KP Boateng with, or is it filled out with adjuncts?

Will this treatment ever get approved by the FDA? If it did, could you imagine how hilarious that would be?

We live in a funny world. This much we’ve known for some time. However, I never thought we’d reach a point where we’re rubbing placenta over our aches and pains for relief. It’ll not be long until Wayne Rooney tweaks a hamstring and disappears for treatment, only to return and extol the wonders of stem-cell treatment applied by a Kazakh surgeon.

In the meantime, enjoy this lovely video of Joel Stein and his family cooking up some placenta for dinner. And no, don’t watch it if you feel like enjoying a restful sleep devoid of nightmares tonight: