Do we look like the kind of store that sells "I Just Called to Say I Love You"? Go to the mall.
I have a love-hate relationship with Bill Simmons’ writing in that I love it while people increasingly say they hate it. It’s an interesting phenomenon considering one of the questions in his latest mega-mailbag column.
If you’re a Simmons hater, I’ll copy the question or you can read it in full (It’s the 12th question. Some more on soccer follows, but I digress.) Anyway, here’s the question:
Q: Soccer still isn’t going anywhere in America for this reason: People like me, who only watch soccer whenever the World Cup is on, are hated by actual soccer fans. They would rather have us not watch soccer at all rather than start watching soccer and rooting for the U.S. during the World Cup. It kills them to see people watching who don’t normally. I have heard people say things to other people along the lines of “you don’t even know the rules” and “if you don’t know what’s going on then don’t watch.” Ironically, diehard soccer fans here are actually hurting soccer’s progress here in the U.S..
– Brandon P, Zanesville, Ohio
Simmons mostly agrees, and he properly points out that this phenomenon isn’t particular to soccer. One just has to watch the guys in “High Fidelity,” and you know they’re just like some hipster guy from your college days who argues that Pavement is the greatest band ever and you’re an idiot for not liking them way back in 1992.
Bill also properly points out that the soccer diehards have started to embrace him as more than a newbie in recent months as it’s clear he’s starting to really care about the game. But you have to give us a little credit, Bill. When you picked Spurs as your team, you called them The Spurs and Tottenham Hotspurs in the same column. The Likely Lad shat himself when he read that, I suspect.
To further discuss the point, Simmons reached out to the mustache of David Hirshey, who echoed the sentiments of most of us here at UF: Newbies are more than welcome. We know that we have new readers from the World Cup, and we hope we’ve done enough to keep you around. The big problem with new fans is when they act like they know everything. That’s our job as diehards. We have to act like we know everything. Don’t take away our only joy. Beyond that, the tent is big so come on in!
Simmons also asked ESPN.com’s Michael Davies, and he took the question a different way, finding a nice way of politely calling American soccer s**t. Well done, Michael. You sound even worse than Ned.
The fact is that we, as diehards, need to embrace the new people. Yes, we might get tired of someone saying they’re a huge fan of Liverpool then not knowing who Steven Gerrard is. But at least they’re trying, right?
We were all newbies once, too. Well, except for Ned and James T. They were required by British law to be dour pricks who spend every waking moment thinking about football. For the rest of us, it took time. And it will take these people time. Help them, don’t hurt them.
And to Simmons, I welcome you into the club with open arms. You’ve passed the tests. You may now call it football. Although, we have a long way to go to get over this comment under a UF post in August 2009:
He doesn’t respect the f**king game, and I hope he chokes on the Wes Welkah pubic hair dolls that he surely purchased on ebay.
Yep, these are our readers.
Dour pricks? I must protest! I’m way worse than that.
I disagree. I have been a diehard fan of The Tottingham Hotspurs ever since they qualified for the Champions League in May. Now all these new people say they like the Spurs just because they saw how awesome our best player Dos Santos was in the World Cup. It’s a f**king disgrace.
You guys have done a fine job with new readers/newbies to the sport. I may not know anything about what’s going on…but you’re still interesting and respond to what I say. So keep on keepin’ on.
I dunno, referring to them as the Tottenham Hotspurs evidently earns you a primetime gig on FSC. So Bill couldn’t have been that wrong could he?
I disagree that soccer diehards as a whole tend to hate newcomers, especially American soccer diehards – we know that we need the fans. However, I’d say that soccer diehards do hate anyone who feels the need to point out how they much they find soccer boring whenever discussion of the sport comes up. I don’t tell baseball fans how dreadfully boring I find the sport any time baseball talk comes up, because it’s a pretty douchebag thing to do. But somehow it’s okay to do it for soccer – that’s what pisses me off, anyway.
Tottenham Hotspurs. You’re making Baby Jesus cry. And me insane.
No, no Anonsters. THE Tottenham Hotsp*rs.
Ahh. Wikipedia makes everything make so much more sense. I had no idea about the whole Tottenham name thing. Now it makes sense.
The Fightin’ Hotspurs!
As a know-it-all diehard, I’ve seen many many games with total noobs, often where I was the only one who understood what I was watching. I have to say, while it can be annoying sometimes, it’s more fun than sitting there alone.
@ LE: Johnny Two Saints is what drew me along with the elegance of play that marks Kevin Prince Boateng’s displays.
@ Ryan: I thought we were the ‘Appy ‘Arrys?
Tottenham Hotspurs. You’re making Baby Jesus cry. And me insane.
Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs.
God, if only I had known it was that easy.
Well I’m glad you hate Jesus, Precious. You’d fit right in with the Yid Army. They hate Jesus too.
Let’s be honest though, can you really get that upset at people when you go by Tottenham Hotsp*r Football Club, but then shorten it to Sp*rs? It’d be much more logical if you yelled “Come on you Sp*r!”
Spurs’ people killed him. I just don’t believe that he was the Son of God. Doesn’t mean I would have wanted him nailed to a board.
@PR: Pah. I’m immune to your Gooner tomfoolery.
@Anonsters
How about my Scouser shenanigans?
Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs. Tottenham Hotspurs.
@PR: But you evidently like making him cry. That’s a step in the right direction. Come to the Dark Side.
@JT: Your shenanigans are just sad. Seventh place sad.
Also, HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK
@JT: No, your shenanigans just make me feel sorry for you. Poor, poor widdle Wibberpool.
By the way, bonus points if you can name the commenter at the end of the post without looking for it.
Georger.
I would go with Mancini for sheer bitterness, but it lacks any racism/sexism/xenophobia, so I’m really at a loss here.
Has to be Georger.
I cheated and looked it up. I have no idea who that person is.
@LE: He’s old-school. and nope, not Georger or Mancini.
I love talking to people new to the game. The one thing that annoys me though are people who admit they haven’t watched much -if any- of the sport, yet still have some great ideas on how to fix it. One of my roomates this past year was like that, I think he must have suggested getting rid of the offside rule and making the goals bigger at least 5 times.
@Ryan: I agree. I watched a lot of soccer with newbs this summer, and it was an interesting mix of enjoyable and agonizing. I had a friend tell me soccer should let players go behind the goal like hockey/lax. Kthx.
But on the other hand, it was really cool watching people who never appreciated the sport start to enjoy it. My little brother has never taken an interest in soccer before, and by the end of the World Cup he was watching every game and reading the post-match analysis on Zonal Marking.
Relative newbie here.
After enjoying the s**t out of the 2006 World Cup, I realized that I had been a fool all my life and decided to embrace a new (to me) game. I began to follow LFC (chosen in honor of our favorite Liverpudlian, James T) and have spent most of the last 4 years learning the kind of basic crap about both the club and the game that I’m sure 8 year olds the world over already know. I’m now a committed fan, though I still feel a little out of my depth talking with longtime fans.
I was thinking the other day about how long I’ve been following MLB and the NFL, and how long it would take someone new to get to where I am now. It would take years, for certain.
I suppose what I’m getting at is that when somebody starts out, it’s a long process to get all the way up to speed. Be nice, people. Except for that roommate who wanted to make the goal bigger and get rid of offside. That guy can suck it.
@TSE: tracked it down. Pretty old-school, indeed.
Was that you, Stretford, you cheeky c**t?
What a loser.
<3
@ian: Now, you know what my handle was for commenting before I joined UF as a writer…
@TSE: Glad I forgot to mention that he seemed like a total doucher.
@LE: Actually, he might still be around, but he’s an old Deadspin commenter. My handle on here (I can’t believe I’m going to out myself) was…
Oh. Punctuation is helpful. I thought you were outing yourself by saying “Now you know what my handle was”. F**king commas.
@LE: I read it the same way. Of course, if you’ve seen one Manc, you’ve seen them all, so they might as well be the same person for the difference it makes.
@Anon: You mean we all might as well be the BEST PEOPLE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!
/Wes Brown’d
I hate Snoobs, people who have watched the EPL for half a season and now think they can correct people on s**t and make insightful comments.
Of course Snoob=snob+noob
You know what? I don’t have that album. How much?
TSE’s former name: BerbaKeane.
F**k Simmons and the psuedo-Spurs fan horse he rode in in.
I hate one thing more than Rafa Marquez and it is Bill Simmons. F**k. him. F**k him in the ear.
TSE – odd guess, but were you WSR?
@Bergkamp: Nope. He’s still around sometimes. Right era and ballpark, though.
@berg: that was my thought, too. I can’t think think of any other ManU supporters.
@Goat
It’s because we had amazing spam filters back then. Only a couple managed to worm through the net
@Everyone: I was HirsheysKissMyArse.
I needed a punny handle over at Deadspin and I hate Arsenal, so it worked. Funny because unlike most of the UF crew, I’ve never actually met Hirshey.
how dare you denigrate the mustache!
The mustache owns you.
I don’t have anywhere else to put this –
Hey Ryan – your socks are f**king terrible. You should be relegated simply for making people look at those every weekend.
Berg is right. Those socks are horrific. The kit itself is fine. I even like it. But those socks, man…they gotta go.
Those socks lost 2-0 to Sporting tonight!
@berg: Yeah, I find it funny that OM and I were complementing Umbro last night for keeping it simple this year and pretty much nailing every single kit they did. Then those socks were released today. Yikes. I missed the game itself, but evidently City didn’t look too great.
Did you watch it JT? I saw Djalo scored 2 and Spurs keep getting linked with him. Did he look good?
@LE: I’m watching the replay on FSC right now, he just scored his second. First was an unmarked header, second one he rounded Joe Hart and rolled it home after a really nice flick on from another Sporting player.
@Ryan: Thanks! I expect a full scouting report in the morning :P
@ Ryan: yes, Umbro did well with shirts, not so great with those Citeh socks–win some/lose some
@ LE: We’ve got to get Djalo. ‘Arry needs to leave NY this week with him in tow.
Simmons can go choke on Mr. Miyagi’s dong. The man knows less about sports than the average Yahoo sports commenter. I have no problems with newbies, because we’re all newbies at one point or another. But when it’s some smug douchenozzle who is so egotistical to think he could be an NBA GM because he watches a few games, that newbie can go procreate himself with a VHS copy of Celtic Pride.
@WSR: This thread isn’t the first time someone has thought I was you. You’re a legend.
@TSE: I’m sorry. I’m happy people think I can string together a coherent sentence at times or that I have the patience to run a liveblog, but it shouldn’t have to be at your expense.
Only a casual fan before WC 2010, but now my DVR is working overtime recording as much soccer as it can handle. The Barclays NY Challenge has been especially entertaining – wish more matches were on ESPN2 in HD here in the States.
I’ve been watching MLS, but don’t have a local team to support, and know next to nothing about the EPL (except that it’s proper to hate ManU like the Yankees). So I don’t really have a team to call “my own.” Guess I’ll have to keep watching and see who I like.
Thanks for welcoming us newbies with open arms – I’m starting to understand why it’s the world’s most popular sport. Can’t believe I missed out for so many years.
Welcome, tmillermsu!
Tmillermsu,your handle makes me think of Tiramisu. Yum. May we just call you that? Oh, and do us a favor and pick up someone like Hammers. Could use some diversity around here.
Actually, I’ve been telling newbies that it will be fun to support Blackpool this season. They’re gonna get relegated, but they’re gonna be a heck of a lot of fun.
No Everton fans around here, either. You can support TIMMAY! and yell obscenities at James T and Sven.
I’m currently thinking of starting a UF Ipswich fan contingent, myself.
I know of at least one reader who’s an Everton fan.
@autoglass – don’t mind tiramisu – been called worse. And I do have a little bias in favor of West Ham. My brother did a study abroad in Senegal and his host dad was a huge supporter of Hammers and PSG from Ligue Un, so I sort of keep an eye on them.
@TSE – Blackpool could be fun. Gotta like a team nicknamed the Tangerines, no matter how bad they are.