Unprofessional Foul


July 27, 2010

Octopus Jumps Shark and Takes Crazy Iranian With Him

Krazee-Eyez Killa

Those of you who bet the money line that no national newspaper would ever put together a cogent sentence with both “Paul the Octopus” and “Mahmoud Ahmadinejad” won’t be getting paid out.

Seems the megalomaniacal Iranian leader holds up the soothsaying cephalopod as the symbol sine qua non of all that is wrong with the non-Persian world.

Ahmaddinejad made several references to Paul in a speech over the weekend, calling it an agent of Western propaganda.

Which is absolutely crazy. Really. It’s an animal. It climbed into a vase with food. It just happened to go on something like a 2^8 lucky streak during the World Cup and became something to kill time between knock-out rounds.

Nobody hardly noticed Paul during the group stages when there were three matches a day because we were all too busy watching actual football. And when he became a full-on phenom, not a single sane person thought Paul was actually predicting anything.

But hey, if you’re going to be insane, why stop halfway? To wit: “Those who believe in this type of thing cannot be the leaders of the global nations that aspire, like Iran, to human perfection, basing themselves in the love of all sacred values.”

Because really when I think of human perfection, Iran is the first nation-state that comes to mind. Do women there even vote yet? Or do they still get stoned in public for showing skin?

The Iranian president also said the US will strike at least two countries in the region in the next three months. And that it would rain bubble gum from the sky next Tuesday if they could all refrain from using the word “ladder” for a full day.

About the Author

Precious Roy


  1. Anonsters

    Re Paul being an agent of imperialist Western propaganda: methinks thou doth protest too much.

  2. corky

    To rival the craziness of Ahmadinejad, Sacha Kljestan actually scored in a Champions Leagues game today. That means two things:
    1) Sacha is on a team that is allowed to play in the CL (Anderlecht, who frankly doesn’t suck).
    2) Sacha actually played
    My mind is blown.

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