Why must you write this, Stretford End?
This didn’t start as a weeklong series, but it’s only fair that I take an unwarranted swipe at all of the top sides’ supporters — including my own. Today? Arsenal.
The hook for this series has to be things said by supporters that I can then rip apart. In yesterday’s edition, it was my friend proclaiming that Chelsea was the best team in Europe based on games against two weak EPL sides.
Today, we take a look at the world of fantasy that is the Arsenal supporter. Remember please that this isn’t every Arsenal supporter. Just the one that posts crazy talk on the UF comments. we won’t even venture into the mindset of Precious Roy, NY Kid, Mountain Wag and the like…
Although I must say that Mountain WAG’s explanation for Theo Walcott’s hat trick on Monday was amazing: She heard he shaved his balls, and that made all the difference.
Yes, people. Arsenal fans rely on genital hygiene as an omen for how Wenger’s side will perform.
Arsenal are the team that SHOULD perform from year to year, but they never do, usually because of injuries. And every season, the supporters use the injuries both as excuse and as rationalization for Arsenal’s lack of success.
My contention is they should just stick with one side or the other. And frankly, it should be the rationalization side. Ride those injuries for all they’re worth. It’s the only reason you can provide why a team with as much young talent as you have fails so epically when it matters most.
One of the rules of this series is that I have to have facts and statistics to back up my totally biased rants. So here goes:
– Arsenal’s success has been completely dependent on Cesc Fabergas over the past three seasons. For all the crap that United gets for being Wayne Rooney’s team, Cesc is the thing that makes Arsenal work. Over the past five seasons, he has only played 38 EPL games once, in 2006-07, but in that season he only had 2 goals. In the past three seasons, he has missed 6, 16 and 11 games, yet he led the team in assists in two of those seasons and he led Arsenal in scoring last season. The fact is this: Without Cesc in the lineup, no amount of pretty football leads to victories. All of the Magic Pixie wingers in the world won’t make up for an engine room like Cesc. But can you tell me he’s going to play 90 percent of Arsenal’s EPL matches this season? I didn’t think so.
– For all of the pretty football Arsenal plays between the boxes, they never lead the league in scoring, and they usually trail Manchester United and Chelsea in both goals scored and goal difference. They have finished third, third and second in the past three seasons in goals scored, and third all three seasons in differential. This isn’t a team that will win the title.
– Part of the problem up front is the next major injury hurdle. Robin Ven Persie. He has never played more than 28 of the 38 EPL games, and he has never scored more than 11 goals in an EPL season. This season could see the end of the reliance on Van Persie if Marouane Chamakh comes through, but for all of NYK’s touting, he didn’t look like the answer against Blackpool. Meanwhile, Nicky Pink Boots has never scored more than 9 EPL goals for Arsenal.
– For all of the talk of Arsenal’s beauty on offense, they have been weak in the back compared to their rivals. They have conceded 9, 9 and 12 more goals than Chelsea and United over the past three seasons. Add that to scoring less and how can anyone think Arsenal will win the league? This is a team that had to sign Sol Campbell, after all.
I’ve picked Arsenal to finish second in this year’s league behind Man United. I think they have the team that can do it. But it’s this kind of comment that makes me cringe:
“I think we end up getting Schwarzer and a not-ideal CB at the death; our core is at the age where it’s put-up time and they know it. We’re looking shockingly deep yet we’re likely to see: Frimpong, Wilshire and…Nasri? in midfield on Sunday @ Anfield. Chamakh becomes a huge asset for us…who knows? Most importantly though: we’ll be above Spurs at the end of the season!”
Arsenal are a very good squad. They always will be near the title chase. But rather than whine about the injuries and what could be, maybe it’s time to accept that until further notice, Arsenal will be Thirdsenal.
Tomorrow: Two posts. Why Spurs fans and Citeh fans should shut up. And don’t worry. I’ll be taking a major swipe at my own kind on Friday.
Yesterday: Why Chelsea Supporters Should Shut Up
Arsene encourages the older players to shave their balls. So much more natural that way, so much more appealing, mm, hairless, mmm… little boys…
/couldn’t resist
We going to include Spurs, Citeh, Villa and Everton (the post: a picture of Tim Cahill, being Tim Cahill) in this series?
ah; just read the italics
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/jumptoconclusionsfail
Anonsters won this comment thread really early
I feel very relieved knowing that my side (SUFC) will never have an article written about why they should shut up.
I’m happy for all fans of all clubs to be delusional idiots. I, myself, partake regularly. However, what gets me most about l’Arse is this self-proclaimed pretty football fallacy. Two things on Arsenal’s perceived pretty play.
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1.) Very skilled players? Yes. Smooth, flowing transitional play? Yes. Do they then stand around, passing the ball sideways for 4 days, failing miserably to penetrate the box before putting a through ball out for a goal kick? Yes. Explain again how sideways and backwards passing is attractive. (Arsenal may be joined on the brief with its co-Defendant, Spain NT.)
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2.) Arsenal don’t commit the crap fouls that break up the flow of the game (and its corollary, all fouls against Arsenal are heinous crimes against football, humanity and puppies). Arsenal commit plenty of these fouls – as do all teams – no team in any league avoids rebuke in this regard. I think they commit them because they’re so frustrated about their lack of final ball that when they inevitably lose the ball and have to track back, they cut someone down or shove them off the ball. Worse though, are the self-righteous claims that “it wasn’t a foul because Arsenal don’t play that way.”
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If Arsenal would just suck it up and accept that yes, they play decent football, but they do so with all the other crap that goes with modern footy, as opposed to holding themselves out as being some pinnacle of purity, I’d probably hate them less.
/Yes, I’m getting prepared to take my own medicine on Friday.
Oh, I like where this is going.
@Anon – listen to the pod. It will all make sense in context.
@Anon – “the older players”? pssst: Walcott is 21
@MW: That’s just outside of Arsene’s range.
It’s all true, TSE. It really is. You know what else is true? You suck demon cocks in hell.
I like how 12 straight years of Champions League football is somehow framed as a lack of success.
The Atlanta Braves of soccer?
what’s cringe-inducing about that comment?
@Georger: about 5 years too early for that.
@Wedel – Tell it like it is! All those things are true – skilled, don’t penetrate well, don’t commit crap fouls, and sit on a well-deserved pinnacle of purity. (see how I used those male powers of selective hearing/reading against you! muhhahah!)
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Seriously though, I love an underdog. Not like a Wigan or West Ham underdog, but a Thirdsenal..because they’re ‘this close’ enough to keep it exciting and emotionally exhausting every year.
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They remind me of a three legged dog you can’t help but love and know if it had that 4th leg it could SO take that other dog. But it doesn’t have a 4th leg, so you accept it’s handicap and love it anyway. Much like Arsenal have the talent, but they (a) can’t stay healthy and (b) can’t finish in the box.
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So, just take care of those 3 legs and that dog will cross the finish line – yes, probably not first, but with style and character – because no one can help but watch a 3 legged dog run.
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p.s. Anon, the puppy analogy was for you… so you could keep up. (-;
@ whiz: I think part of the cringe inducement could be that in that list of players, Frimpong’s already out for the season with an injury.
Oh, and Arsenal, injuries, etc, Arsene’s little boys, etc, etc, shaved balls funny, etc…
@Wag: Very nice. Even when I think I’m right, I somehow end up being wrong!
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With Arsenal and Spain, I wish they’d do two things (1) just finish the move. Go all the way to goal. If you give up a goal kick, so what. You’re going to give one up anyway, it’s just going to take longer. (2) shoot speculatively from time to time. Change things up. Make yourself unpredictable and more difficult to defend. It’s almost as if defenders don’t need to close Arsenal down because they won’t shoot. Shooting from distance must offend Obi-wan Kwenger.
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I too threw in a puppy reference to get Anon on my side. Although given the post topic, I think it was safe to say we’d be approaching this from roughly the same place.
Honest question: How is Arsenal doing with that 25 man squad requirement?
@Wag: Re: the selective hearing. I’m not ignoring you, my ears just don’t process that particular frequency.
/using bad science to avoid censure
Meh. No bite. Quit being a pantywaist and tell us how you really feel.
@Ryan
They’re actually better placed than most, from what I could find.
Home-Growns over 21: Mannone, Djourou, Clichy, Denilson, Fabregas, Song, Denilson, Bendtner.
Hooray for the homegrown rule! Now clubs have to have more English players. Wait, what?
@LE
Yeah. It’s clearly been compromised in discussions to the point where it really shouldn’t exist.
@JT: Mmm yeah. I guess I should have probably figured that most of their players had been plucked from elsewhere at a young enough age to qualify. I thought the Kos/Squillaci signings might put them in jeopardy. Guess not.
@Ryan
Forgot the actual Limeys there… Walcott, Wilshere, Gibbs.
@Wendel – Seriously, I do agree with both those newer points. They don’t shoot from distance and that’s always been a beef. You’ll never see a goal like Scholes’ from this past weekend from Arsenal as they’d want to get two more passes in before shooting, even at that range. The box is full of bodies – and it’s not going to empty out with a ball back here. I think a lot of supporters make that point often, so it’s not shocking or offending, it’s just the truth.
Ryan – most likely fine. 8 of the 25 over 21 years old have to be home-grown. Right now we have 7 that qualify that are over 21 (Mannone, Clichy, Djourou, Song, Fabregas, Denilson, Bendtner), but a slew on the first team that qualify and are under 21. So as it stands I think we can still sign 4 or 5 without running into any troubles.
“You have Brazilian and Arshavin?!? Pretty smooth, Voyeur!”
Classic Special One TV!
Speaking of the homegrown rule, this is interesting and I haven’t seen anyone expand on it yet: http://bit.ly/b45GRs
(scroll to the bottom of that story…I didn’t know about the wording of that rule). Their hands are tied.
@JT: Wilshire and Gibbs aren’t even 21 yet. Also plenty of kids that are homegrown: Jay Emmanuel-Thomas, Tom Cruise, Craig Eastmond, Gavin Hoyte, Frimpong. The rule is kind of silly, but Arsenal didn’t write it. But if that’s another benefit of bringing talent up through your system instead of going out and buying it, then I have no problem with it.
I haven’t been one of the people who moans about untimely injuries, I have always maintained that we have allowed certain archtypes of the Invincibles to leave the squad and have been unable (or unwilling) to replace them in the transfer market. Granted, expecting the ability to replace an Henry, Bergkamp, Pires or Vieira-type player is like wondering why every team in the NFL just doesn’t go out and get their own Tom Brady, right? But it is blazingly obvious we need a legitimate keeper. You can strengthen the back all you want but you’re only as strong as your keepers back there.
Cesc is an amazing talent. Everyone else just shows flashes of promise so far. Arsene knows. But he is stubborn, too.
Nasri, Sagna, Clichy… Not flashes. All are legit and consistent. But no there is no Viera or Bergkamp out there (or at least not made of porcelain).
Chamakh scored a goal, dammit!
Yes Kid, but did he kick it off his own face first?
Shut up? Seriously? At the end of the day, I really don’t have a problem supporting a club that’s not in massive debt, develops young talent, has a respectable history & tradition (Wrighty included), and is renowned globally for playing some of the most beautiful football. Win? Trophies? Excuses? I’m not compelled to make any and the winning stuff really has more to do with luck. When a club typically finishes within 8 points of the top you can look back over the season and point to 4 or 5 matches where they may have dropped points. Maybe injury, maybe a penalty that shouldn’t have been given, a sending-off or whatever. That doesn’t have too much to do with one club being that much better than another. I suppose I’d argue that Professors system does work. That I respect that he doesn’t sacrifice he’s tactical philosophy and continues to finish where he does. Year in and year out. Players succeed at Arsenal because of the system. Not the other way around. British talent … last time I checked the best young talent in England was tipped to come from Arsenals youth ranks. Finally, 5 years without silverware isn’t all that long. especially if you’re the rest of the ENTIRE FREAKIN LEAGUE. Being one of 5 teams to have ever won the Prem is OK with me. I guess you’d just have to decide whether or not your in love with football, or in love with winning. I could go on, but I’d miss my deadline. Up the Arse – end.
I’m really enjoying this series so far. Until Friday, that is…
@Mountain WAG – Oh, if only all “underdogs” like West Ham could be the beneficiaries of one of the most egregious cases of institutionalized bias like they were in l’Affiare Tevez. Real underdogs don’t get the benefit of having the league bend over backwards and break its own rules to prevent you from being relegated. West Ham can never legitimately be called an “underdog” ever again.
@Calvert: Interesting perspective. But im not certain the league bent over backwards to help the Hammers. Rather, to help a potential star escape any further scrutiny. Conspiracy theory … People tune into to watch him play= TV $$$$$$. West Ham certainly benefited from it, but Id guess it was more aimed at keeping Tevez on the pitch. Especially considering where he wound up … pardon the pun.
I don’t understand why Cesc couldn’t leave? Can someone tell me why he’s enslaved to Arsenal without having the ability to leave?
Because Barcelona wasn’t willing to pay enough for him. If they’d matched Arsenal’s valuation I’m sure he’d be playing for Barcelona now.
As for why he can’t just leave, possibly because he’s signed a five year contract. That puts a damper on their relationship.
>Yes, people. Arsenal fans rely on genital hygiene as an omen f
>how Wenger’s side will perform.
Now we know why Arsene likes his twinks young and still hairless.
@Robert Mancini: I’ve noticed a few of those former ‘twinks’ on the pitch wearing the Manc-Lite kit. Must be something to this manscaping. The Citezens have spent at least 50 million on well groomed fellas lately.