Fakery Extends to Women’s Soccer

Ramona Bachmann: Cheater. Also, a bit scary.

Clearly, no territory, realm, principality or code in which the beautiful game is played has been afflicted with a crippling case of the simulations.

To wit, today’s Women’s World Cup qualifier between England and Switzerland.

Locked in one of those two-legged playoff battles to determine who makes the tournament—the kind of game that has Thierry Henry cradling the ball in his palm like a card shark—Switzerland’s Ramona Bachmann brought her acting skills to the table.

My, how I wish she hadn’t.

Check the video:

Huh? Exactly which part of England goalie Rachel Brown causes her to tumble like that, arms gripping her face as if someone sprayed mace in her eyes? Seriously though: great form. Great technique. Didier Drogba, the Patron Saint of Simulation, would be proud.

Naturally, with a good bit of play-acting comes ineptitude on the part of the officials: Brown was sent off, and Bachmann given all kinds of treatment for her war wounds. Bachmann’s desperation came with the English lasses up 2-1 in the game and up 4-1 on aggregate, so mercifully, it wasn’t a decider like Henry’s handling. The Swiss scored again, as did England en route to a 5-2 win and a place in next summer’s World Cup.

However, you’d better hope that FIFA (or Women’s FIFA, or whoever actually presides over the sport) rescinds that card so Rachel Brown can play next summer. As for Bachmann? Well, she’s got a promising career ahead of her. AS AN ACTOR!!!! (OH SEE WHAT I JUST DID THERE!!!!!)