Colombia’s MNT Makes Some Shocking Declarations

El Bolillo: stache-y

In a press conference prior to tonight’s tilt with the USMNT, members of the Colombian Selección made some unexpected declarations. The coach and his players are definitely fired up for this one. I’m going to give you the original quote, followed by the English translation.

Hernán Dario “El Bolillo” Gómez, Colombia’s coach:

La velocidad de los gringos (estadounidenses) es más en la parte técnica, con uno o dos toques y con cambios de frente que mueven a sus rivales y con esa dinámica nos pueden confundir.

TRANSLATION:
The Americans are weak and lack fervor for the game. Their coach is a dessicated corpse, completely unaware of even the most basic fútbol tactics.  They will be in awe of our superior technique and fancy dribbling skills.

Um, whoa.

Bolillo then added:

Al equipo lo he entrenado para presionar arriba para tener la iniciativa, pero a estos equipos a veces es mejor reducirles los espacios y tratar de contraatacar. Vamos a ver si el equipo es capaz de eso.

TRANSLATION: I have trained my team to focus on making studs-up slide tackles, hard elbow shots to the ribs when jostling for position on corner kicks, and they have memorized the most hurtful of American insults.  We will also dive in the box many, many times to try to draw penalty kicks.

Radamel Falcao Garcia, forward:

Tengo mucho respeto para los defensores del equipo americano. Estan bien organizados y siempre pelean por cada balón en la zona de gol. Espero poder hacer un partido limpio y representar bien a mi país. Le doy gracias a Dios por darme esta oportunidad.

TRANSLATION: After I score my hat trick on the Americans’ pathetic excuse for a defense, I will shove cocaine bricks deep into the darkest recesses of Oguchi Onyewu’s rectum and make him my personal drug smuggling mule.

Farid Mondragón, keeper, on his return to the national team after a five year absence, had this to say:

Quiero demostrar que a pesar de mi edad, todavía estoy en un nivel alto y le puedo dar mucho a la selección.  Estoy listo para probarme ante el ataque de los gringos.  Creo que Landon Donovan es un jugador de excelente calidad y no dudo que será un reto frenar sus intentos de marcar un gol.

TRANSLATION: I am an unshakable wall in goal. Nothing gets by me. The Americans think they can score? Nonsense. Landon Donovan is a girly man who wears lace panties to bed and cries himself to sleep watching Grey’s Anatomy.

Yepes demonstrates how he respects the ref

Mario Yepes, defender, spoke about the time the team has spent in the United States during this interlull:

Hemos disfrutado mucho nuestra estadía en los Estados Unidos. Este es un país muy hermoso, y la gente ha sido sumamente amable y cortés con nosotros. Algún dia me gustaría vivir aqui con mi familia.

TRANSLATION: We have had a miserable time here. The Americans are rude, boorish, and we have been treated very poorly. After the game, I will tear down the American flag, defecate on it, and throw it into the stands. I can’t wait to leave this place.

Well, there you have it. And you thought this was just going to be a friendly exhibition match.