EPL Liveblog: Tottenham v. Everton

I spy with my ugly eye… a bad manager.

Yep, I agreed to wake up early for this. Why? Because I can rip on Spurs and the Toffees equally and get away with it. And because I’m tired of thinking about Wayne Rooney.

The Spurs come into this home match on 14 points and in fifth place — again. They have a chance to rebound from that midweek roller-coaster of a 4-3 loss to Inter. Will Gareth Bale have enough in the tank to score today? We’ll have to see.

Meanwhile, Everton has recovered from a horrible start to the season — again — to be in 11th place on 9 points. The Toffees are beginning to find their footing again (playing Liverpool will do that for you), and David Moyes is once again getting the most out of his rag-tag crew.

I’m not waking up until just before the ESPN broadcast begins, so don’t whine if I don’t have the lineups up really early. I’ll be here for the liveblog. You’ll take that and like it. The interesting thing will be if I wake up still drunk.

Also, there will be a separate Bootroom on top of this liveblog for the 10 a.m. games.

See you at 7:45 for the ESPN2 goodness!

Seriously. I fell back asleep?! Sigh. Sorry folks. Here we go.

Look, it’s not like we missed any goals of anything. Anyway, Sorry about that. Let the snark begin.

41st minute (because we’re a third-rate liveblog): It sure looks sunny in London. And Everton seems to be playing well. Is that good? Yes, since I dislike Spurs.

43rd minute: Timmay has to do some work. Why is it that he always seems to get poor backpasses?

44th minute: NOOOOOOO!!!! Spurs fans all yell as Gareth Bale writhes on the ground after Jags takes a chunk out of his shin. But of course, he’s OK. Lying Englishman.

45th minute: Before you kill me for it, yes, I know it’s 1-1. I was kidding. And TIMMAY! Nice cross, but the header is right at the twitchy one.

47th minute: Spurs pressing but can’t get anything going. Crouch sucks again and it’s halftime. And it was a Timmay howler? Why does he hurt us so? Well, I’m going to back the game up and watch the first 38 minutes. See you in a few.

HALFTIME: 1-1

HALFTIME: OK, time to go for the second half. Some thoughts — wow that was bad from Timmay, wow Crouch is crap AND ugly, and wow that’s an orange uniform. Like a flippin traffic cone.

47th minute: Yes, it’s Sandro for Spuds. Also, Phil Neville is a twit.

48th minute: Ian Darke, why must you mention my pain? Meanwhile, this is about the most boring first 4 minutes of a half ever.

49th minute: Of course, just as I say that, Bale sends Crouch through, but the beanpole screws it up. He’s crap. Darren Bent all the way!

50th minute: I’ll admit I haven’t watched a Spuds match in a couple of weeks, and I missed most of the Inter match. Has Gareth Bale always been the entire team?

51st minute: Everton corner kick is crap. Sandro is working well so far. Lennon’s Eyebrow makes a 70-yard run, then dives to get the yellow card. Cheating, lying Englishman.

52nd minute: WOW. Nice cross from Sandro, Bale flicks it on and nobody is there to put it away. Great chance, and again Bale is the man. Darren Bent would have been there to put it away.

53rd minute: That’s what I meant, LE. The entire game goes through Bale now. Meanwhile, Crouch sucks. Really just sucks.

54th minute: Everton just seem to be absorbing the pressure and looking for the counter. They eventually earn a corner, but does anyone really think Yakubu can be a top-line striker? To that I say meh. Meanwhile, the corner goes begging, but Evertonare bilding up again until Cahill bowls over BAE.

57th minute: While I don’t mind the “When the Spurs come marching in” chant, is there any more annoying chant than that Come On You Spurs monotone crap? I say no.

58th minute: Again I submit that Peter Crouch is no Darren Bent, LE. Free kick to Everton, Billy flicks it to Crouch, who can’t score on his own goal, either.

60th minute: Everton seem to be taking some bit of control. We’ll see if they can get Timmay off the hook. Spuds seem to be keeping their shape pretty well, though.

61st minute: So, Peter Crouch is like 7 foot 9 and still kinda sucks in the air. Meanwhile, Tim Cahill is an Oompa Loompa and wins every header.

62nd minute: Louis Saha preps to enter the match. How froggy.

63rd minute: Yak looks injured again and comes off for Saha. Uh, Mr. Moyes… Saha is not a target striker. As with all French people, he surrenders whenever he’s a target.

64th minute: Since you guys are talking hair, a great line from Jack Donaghy on “30 Rock” this week: “I have to stop by MSNBC and talk with Rachel Maddow. Only one of us is allowed to have this haircut.”

65th minute: Everton with some more danger, but again they can’t get a shot on goal. To be honest, I don’t see where the next goal is going to come from.

66th minute: “Tight, tense game” according to Ian Darke. That’s code for “nobody looks very dangerous”

67th minute: Does anyone know if Sylvie is in the house? And again I submit that Peter Crouch sucks.

68th minute: I know, NYK, I must have a lot of Gaul to take a shot at the French. Then again, everyone else takes a shot at the French!

69th minute: And Pavs’ is a Dog gets ready to come on. Why don’t you guys need Darren Bent again?

69th minute: And the feed goes back to sleep!

70th minute: Why did the backup announcer yell like Crouch might have actually scored that. Doesn’t he know that’s Peter Crouch?!

71st minute: Cahill is one mean mo-fo. And I miss Ian Darke. FAIL from ESPN. Worse than me sleeping through the first 39 minutes of the match. Totally.

72nd minute: Aren’t the French rioting because they don’t get their full 37 weeks of vacation anymore or something like that? Fairies. Meanwhile, still no real chances being created here.

74th minute: Dude, that’s totally a goal kick. Totally. Tee hee. And VdV goes in the book for being a Dutch pussy. Or is he Welsh, Anon?

75th minute: I love it. Ian Darke says welcome back and “you haven’t missed much.” Way to sell it, dude.

76th minute: More sound fail from ESPN. Meanwhile, they’re all British to me, Pupsters.

77th minute: Is anyone else bitter that I slept through the interesting half and woke up for the boring half? Spurs try to do something good, but Pavs also sucks.

78th minute: Sandro, you douchebag. That’s Louis Saha. He doesn’t make 80-yard runs to score. You didn’t need to take him out like that. Or were you channeling Palacios? Hibbert comes on for Heitinga.

79th minute: How did that cross just cruise through? And shocking… a Spurs cross to Crouch that he can’t get to. If you’re going to be 8 foot 6, you should get up in the air.

81st minute: If you saw Tim Cahill walking down the street and you didn’t know who he was, would you be scared? I think I would.

82nd minute: Modric wins a corner after a game of Twister. Meanwhile, BAE also sucks. How are Spurs in fifth place again? And by the way, Bale hasn’t had a touch since he moved sides.

83rd minute: I swear to god I’m falling asleep again with this second half. TBH, I don’t think those goals actually happened. And Coleman comes off for Beckford.

85th minute: This second half is pants. Like Peter Crouch is pants. Like Pavs is pants.

86th minute: See? You guys aren’t even talking about the game anymore. You’re talking about the French and LE’s dossier.

87th minute: Is it bad that anytime I see the name Hibbert I start hearing that laugh?

88th minute: Timmay has to feel horrible about gifting Spuds a point considering how pants Tottenham have been. And seriously, Bale hasn’t had a touch in 15 minutes. Meanwhile, VdV can’t make that chance work.

90th minute: Really? You’re giving Crouch credit for that being a dummy play? I think not.

90th minute: And now, for the final 2 minutes, everyone starts to try again.

91st minute: Where the hell did three minutes of stoppage time come from?!

92nd minute: Man, Spurs are pants up front. And Phil Neville is a twit.

93rd minute: Timmay with the nice catch. He gets mocked. Bale gives a cross, and again Crouch is pants.

FULLTIME: 1-1 draw. I should have stayed asleep. Bootroom opens in 2 minutes right above. Enjoy the rest of the day. I’m going back to bed. I surrender… like the French.