Unprofessional Foul


November 4, 2010

Chinese Soccer: It’s All About The Genitals

A young boy examines Messi in the worst photo juxtaposition ever

With the margins for error on the transfer market shrinking on a window-to-window basis, some teams will do anything to unearth the next great global soccer star. For the Chinese, it appears that the hunt begins with the basic skills, like any other team, though one coach from Tianjin Locomotive claims to have identified a key asset in the search for soccer greatness: the size and shape of your penis. [Side Note: this has to be a fake article, right?]

It’s true. Yet another emotional blow for the “size doesn’t matter” camp, but who knew it could impact soccer?

This coach, preferring to remain anonymous for obvious reasons, had this to say to the Yangtze Evening Post: “Genital examination is necessary. Looking at a boy’s penis size and shape can give you an idea of his hormone level. Boys with short, thick genitals and tight scrotum are good for football playing.”

Ah, so it’s not necessarily about the penis itself, but about “congenital testicular dysplasia” (no, I’m not googling that) and the indication therein of lower or higher hormone levels! Genius, though let’s see the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo explain their less-than-stellar showings on that infamous Vanity Fair cover. I mean, no-one’s acquitting themselves too admirably there.

In short, I’m sure this Chinese coach isn’t a pedophile or anything, but just a man really dedicated to building the strongest, meatiest, most all-conquering team in the Tianjin Province. Then again, we have no clue as to what Arsene Wenger really gets up to at the Shenley Training Center, but it’s best left unknown.

And scouts worldwide? Add “girth” to your intangibles list. Just don’t get arrested.

[h/t Sporting Intelligence]

About the Author

James T


  1. So, Visanthe Shiancoe is an outlier, while Brett Favre is just right?
    /Deadspin Dong’d

  2. It’s Robbie Keane’s lifelong dream to play for a team that examines his penis.

  3. Brian

    @Georger, microscopes are too expensive though

  4. Lennon's Eyebrow

    I’m pretty sure ‘girth’ is not an intangible. Unless you’re in the aforementioned microscope situation. Is this a confession, James?

  5. Arsene can’t comment on this, as he didn’t see the corpus cavernosum in question.

  6. James T

    Nope. But I’d think that the width of your dick doesn’t affect your soccer skill, in which case it’s intangible with regard to soccer.

  7. Brings a whole new angle to Roy’s “we don’t play with wide players” ethos.

  8. Lennon's Eyebrow

    Well I was clearly making a joke, but if you want to get all literal here, you’re still wrong. An intangible doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect your soccer skill. An intangible means it affects your skills, but it’s something you can’t quite measure. If girth does affect your soccer skills, it’s very much tangible because you can quantify it. If it doesn’t affect them then it’s not an intangible, it’s just irrelevant. So nyah.

  9. I cannot believe you guys are using a post ripe with the potential for dick jokes and are using it to argue. Well, I can, because my girth makes me a superior internet commenter and I can see things coming.

  10. James T

    Oh, LE. That rebuttal was first-rate!

  11. Lennon's Eyebrow

    That’s why I went to law school. To make pedantic comments on the internets.

  12. James T

    As mentioned in the pod, we’re trying to find banner ads for recent law school graduates and job placement.

  13. “Starbucks, a great place to work!”

  14. Brian

    Wal-Mart is always hiring greeters

  15. James T

    You got a strong back? We could use you

    /Robert Duvall-grizzle’d

  16. Mountain Wag

    “short, thick genitals and tight scrotum are good for football playing.”
    1. It shouldn’t be a blow to the ‘size doesn’t matter’ camp. The coaches WANT short ones. So, it’s the ultimate lift for the ‘size doesn’t matter’ camp, because one would usually think that camp skews skimpy.
    2. Intangible or not – common sense (for someone without one) would dictate a big one would get in the way, chafe, or have more likelihood for getting grazed/hit/stepped on. So, I would imagine smaller IS better for football in that regard. AND you wouldn’t always have to wear the spandex under your shorts to keep it in place?
    3. Do you wear cups in soccer? If so, negate point two. But, a large cup has (a) got to be uncomfortable and (b) awkward since it’s sides are cutting into your thighs or you have to curl your stuff to fit inside it.
    All in all, @JT – the width could entirely affect it. But, until I set up an examination team among the professionals, we’ll never know.
    /p.s. I do NOT want to be on that team, for the record. eew.

  17. Mountain Wag

    p.p.s. – don’t shred me for the above comments. Obviously, I’m speaking with a handicap. But ENLIGHTEN me if I am mistaken.

  18. BG

    I’m sure getting diddled by your soccer coach is somewhat low on the list of things that makes it suck to grow up in China. Also, I remember reading a long time ago that they measure the length of a bone in your thumb to determine how tall you will be, then force you to become a basketball player if you’re going to be over a certain height.

  19. Eh. So the coach is a little creepy.

  20. Mountain Wag

    @Anon- again, you are a dirty dog.

  21. James T

    @Mountain Wag
    I think you need to get that I-Team together and commence on a tour of Europe, stat!

  22. Mountain Wag

    @JT – noted. I will inform Kickette immediately. All d*cks that are too big to play will be sent to their readership for…well, whatever the readers want.
    What are we offering our UF readers to compete with that? I did click on an ad to tell me what kind of Greek God I was. So, we’re offering helpful divination segregation?

  23. Mountain Wag

    @TNO – eew. But I would imagine Ballack, EBJT, Nani, and a few others we could put on that roster ASAP – with Big Sam as gaffer.

  24. I temporarily disabled adblock to peek at the ads and clicked on one that purported to tell me whether I was a love-match with another on the basis of the names input. I input my name and Unprofessional Foul, and the site basically stopped working. :(

  25. Mountain Wag

    @Anon – does. not. compute. the. merging. of. sausages….

  26. @MW: I think sausage merger is only possible for the uncircumcised.

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