Unprofessional Foul
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Globe

November 4, 2010
 

Chinese Soccer: It’s All About The Genitals

A young boy examines Messi in the worst photo juxtaposition ever

With the margins for error on the transfer market shrinking on a window-to-window basis, some teams will do anything to unearth the next great global soccer star. For the Chinese, it appears that the hunt begins with the basic skills, like any other team, though one coach from Tianjin Locomotive claims to have identified a key asset in the search for soccer greatness: the size and shape of your penis. [Side Note: this has to be a fake article, right?]

It’s true. Yet another emotional blow for the “size doesn’t matter” camp, but who knew it could impact soccer?

This coach, preferring to remain anonymous for obvious reasons, had this to say to the Yangtze Evening Post: “Genital examination is necessary. Looking at a boy’s penis size and shape can give you an idea of his hormone level. Boys with short, thick genitals and tight scrotum are good for football playing.”

Ah, so it’s not necessarily about the penis itself, but about “congenital testicular dysplasia” (no, I’m not googling that) and the indication therein of lower or higher hormone levels! Genius, though let’s see the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo explain their less-than-stellar showings on that infamous Vanity Fair cover. I mean, no-one’s acquitting themselves too admirably there.

In short, I’m sure this Chinese coach isn’t a pedophile or anything, but just a man really dedicated to building the strongest, meatiest, most all-conquering team in the Tianjin Province. Then again, we have no clue as to what Arsene Wenger really gets up to at the Shenley Training Center, but it’s best left unknown.

And scouts worldwide? Add “girth” to your intangibles list. Just don’t get arrested.

[h/t Sporting Intelligence]

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