Reviving The Old Art of Lying

Even El DeBarge Is Disappointed

It is unclear who originally uttered the phrase, “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying,” but Paolo Guerrero subscribes to his newsletter.  Now it remains to be seen if the DFB grants him the time off to read said pamphlet.

In the match against Hannover 96, the Hamburg forward appeared to have handled the ball after receiving a throw-in.  The resultant play ended in a goal for Heung-Min Son of Hamburg and a 2-1 lead in the 54th minute.

Hannover players continued to protest over the handball and eventually handbags between Hannover forward Jan Schlaudraff and Guerrero resulted in yellow cards for each.  While he was dispensing his treasures, referee Dr Jochen Drees—a general physician—asked Guerrero whether he had handled, to which the Peruvian denied.

Guerrero claimed later he was asked if the handball was deliberate and he denied having any intent.  The good doctor referee, though, states that he simply asked the Hamburglar if he handled the ball, not whether it was intentional (Warning: German link).  Further, he claims that, as he has the advantage of having his conversation with Guerrero listened to by all other match officials—apparently those ear pieces aren’t just for show–his version of the conversation is correct.

DFB President Theo Zwaniger opined that a player doesn’t necessarily have to tell on himself—after all, it is the referee’s job to spot the infractions—but if a player is approached and then caught lying, it is “grossly unsporting.”

What makes this interesting is that the DFB does not take kindly to players who lie like lumpy rugs.  Back in 1998, Schalke 04 midfielder Oliver Held was suspended 2 matches for lying to the referee for a similar handball incident.

Further, Guerrero is no stranger to the DFB discplinary board, having been fined and suspended for the final 5 matches of last season for throwing a water bottle at one of his own fans.  That match, coincidentally, was also against Hannover 96.

The goofy thing about this for Guerrero is that Drees asked him about the handballery after Son’s goal was allowed and play began again.  It wasn’t like the referee was going to retroactively take the goal off the board and have the minutes replayed at a 1-1 scoreline.

If the DFB decides to investigate further and suspend Guerrero for this, it could really aggravate Armin Veh’s selection headache.  Ruud van Nistelrooy is one sneeze away from injuring his recovering adductor muscle and the other forward options for Hamburg this season have frankly been pants.

So just remember UF readers—never lie to the good doctor, unless you have already given him a Ninja-swift Paul Scholes pat-down and removed his electronic equipment.