2010: England Lost

That Kind of Year for England

There was a great question brought up in comments earlier this week—What good has come out of England lately? For this year, at least, it seems the answer is a fat Sol Campbell-size nothing. Not only will clubs from the island be glad to see the end of 2010 but the national squad will as well.

For starters, the UEFA Champions League semi-finals saw no Premiership representative for the 1st time in seven years. As Liverpool crumbled under the weight of its debt-ridden owners Statler and Waldorf, Anfield saw European nights only in the Europa League after the club was bounced in the Champions League group stage. Eventual Prem champions Chelsea joined Liverpool on the fringes of top continental competition after being knocked out by eventual European champions Inter. Arjen Robben stuck it to the red nosed Scot while Messi sent Arsenal back to North London empty handed.

No worries, though, right—Don Fabio and the Three Lions had run roughshod over its Group 6 World Cup qualification group. England were finally going to win that World Cup again, penalty kicks be damned!

Then, we found out EBJT had put one in the hole over former mate Wayne Bridge. Terry was stripped of the captaincy by Don Fabio, squad chemistry was questioned, and Bridge retired early from international football. Then, replacement captain Rio Ferdinand was injured and unable to play along the back in South Africa, so Capello had to staple the captain’s armband around Steven Gerrard.

We didn’t know it at the time– but Wayne Rooney had done something similar and was sweating over eventual press leaks about his dalliance. Shrek’s sleek new hairless body debuted in South Africa and flopped tremendously. England couldn’t even win its group—USA! USA!—and were humiliated by Germany and phantom goals.

Oh, and Robert Green–EPIC FAIL.

The Italian master—previously praised for bringing his continental wisdom to the Three Lions—was pilloried for not being English and having a poor understanding of his English players. Perhaps he shouldn’t have had that Capello Index that rated all his players as pants.

And we can’t forget about the clubs in debt. Portsmouth were relegated and nearly wiped off the face of the earth after all its fake owner silliness. Liverpool was bailed out by the Boston Red Sox. Manchester United reported massive debts but also massive income—I’ll not try to understand it. West Ham were bought out by the Bongo Davids. Far too many lower league clubs to mention either went into administration or hung on by their fingernails as HMRC went after unpaid taxes.

Manchester City spent hundreds of millions and laughed.

This Premiership season began with the new “Homegrown Rule,” which was a load and only succeeded in making the transfer value of lads like the gravity-challenged James Milner far too ridiculous. In fact, it seems foreign talent like Stuart Bolton—USA! USA!—has shined more than the English thus far.  Citeh captain Carlos Tevez can’t decide if he wants to stay in wintry Manchester or bugger off back to Argentina. Rooney’s still pants and acted like a punk when it came to bleeding United for more cash. Liverpool have new owners and a new manager but is still awful. Redknapp still plays Peter Crouch but leaves Niko on the bench. God bless Gareth Bale.

#FREENIKO #WELSHGOD

And to cap off the year, England were good and truly screwed out of hosting the 2018 World Cup. Despite the best efforts of Goldenmort, it seems the island was penalized by FIFA for BBC’s report on the FIFA Exco voting scandal.

There are probably other events, moments, disasters for England in 2010 that have been overlooked, but this much is clear—2011 can’t come soon enough for the birthplace of football. And tomorrow, perhaps it begins—New Year’s Day footie begins with the Baggies entertaining an unbeaten Manchester United.

Wait–Manchester United are still unbeaten this season? Bloody hell, it looks like 2011 is a wash too.