Dark Angels: The Relegators

Dark Angels Indeed

The key to staying up in the Premiership might have less to do with the standard concerns over squad depth, club finance, or managerial acumen and more on whether some of those hanging around your club’s dressing room have that musky smell still clinging to them from a prior year’s relegation scrap. This lot may seem normal and you might appreciate them fighting to keep their clubs up this season, but BEWARE–they are the Relegators.

Jamie O’Hara–Wolverhampton Wanderers
Full of promise after a successful loan to Millwall, Tottenham’s gaffer at the time–Magic Juande–chose to include the youngster more frequently in Spurs’ starting XI by the end of the 2007-2008 season. While Tottenham remained in the league at the end of that season–winning a Carling Cup to boot–it slumped pitifully at the end, taking only 14 of 36 points to finish the season in 11th. As the 2008-2009 season began with only 2 points from 8 matches, Magic Juande got the boot and ‘Arry Redknapp began cleaning up the mess.

Noticing the stench of a relegator upon entering the Lane, Redknapp began slowly phasing O’Hara out of the XI, and once a new season began, smartly loaned the lad out to Portsmouth. At Fratton Park, the Angel was able to spread his wings, playing regularly for a Pompey squad that made the FA Cup final but disappeared in the league as fast as fake Arabian club owners.

Returned to Spurs after Pompey went down, Redknapp waited for the midfielder to regain health and promptly loaned him on to Wolves to assist in Mick McCarthy’s relegation fight. And while Mick might want O’Hara to “score loads, run fast, and keep us up,” his devilish powers will likely end in a Wolves visit to Portman Road next season–which is listed specifically by Dante as occupying one of those circles of Hell.

Nicky Shorey–West Bromwich Albion
Having looked so promising and influential for Reading when he helped the Royals attain promotion back in 2006 and led them to an impressive 8th place finish in the Prem, Shorey was named to Steve McClaren’s England senior squad and earned a couple caps. After that season the long-time Royal had been pegged for a big money move to a larger club, but he opted to remain with Reading instead.

The Royals should have known then the Reaper had descended upon the Madejski Stadium and were promptly relegated the following season–shipping more goals than they had scored in the previous Prem campaign. Swooping on now to Aston Villa, Shorey tried his hand at relegating the Villans for the 2008-2009 season.

Ah, but Martin O’Neill’s Spidey Sense began tingling–perfected after his spell at Leicester City–and when Shorey made a mistake that gifted Middlesbrough a 2-1 win in November of 2008, MON promptly edged him out of the regular set, signed Stephen Warnock later, and tried to loan the lad out on a few occasions to avoid being pierced by the Spear of the Relegator.

Finally, Villa were able to part with Shorey completely after a deal with West Brom was reached. Roberto DiMatteo was unaware of his nefarious powers at the time as MON was busy giving Villa the heave-ho, but once he saw him at the Hawthorns, he swiftly shut him out. Even from the bench, though, Shorey’s brown aura of suck permeated the squad and cost DiMatteo his job. Now Shorey is looking to new manager Roy Hodgson to let him finish the job assigned to him by Spawn.

Steven Caldwell–Wigan Athletic
Wigan captain Gary’s brother is a highly effective Relegator–having learned from those masters of chaos Leeds United during their disastrous final Prem season in 2004 after being dumped by Newcastle United. From there, Caldwell beat his wings dipped in fizzy pop over to Sunderland and performed the ultimate Relegator trick–helping a club get promoted.

See, the Black Cats had to be promoted first before Caldwell could be the incubus. And, he had to go one better than what Sunderland had done the last time it had been in the Premiership–which he promptly did by aiding Mick McCarthy’s side in achieving a new record low for points in the 2005-2006  season.

Caldwell tried to force a transfer to Derby County so he could be on the squad that reached an even lower point total in the Prem, but he was busy in the Championship battling the forces of good in Owen Coyle at Burnley. Coyle’s Cola-Fu was strong though, and the Clarets were promoted out of the playoffs to join the Premiership at long last.

Caldwell did not take this promotion sitting down, though. Well, actually, he did–playing in the heart of the worst defensive unit in the Prem for the 009-2010 season and helping Brian Laws guide Burnley back down into the warm ooze of Championship footy. This season Roberto Martinez might have still been high on the ether he sucked with Paris Hilton at World Cup South Africa and didn’t recognize the stench of the Relegator when Gary brought his brother round the DW.  

And Caldwell’s a double threat–if Scotland can get relegated from international football, he’ll find a way to make it happen.

West Ham United–Avram Grant
Of course, these Angels need a Charlie–someone on the ground to give them advice in case their missions go slightly awry and their clubs might not get relegated. Having been successful last season with Portsmouth, Uncle Avram has somehow continued to work his charms for the Hammers and looks set to complete his own personal double soon. And how does Grant do it? Cup competitions.

The man is the Relegator Supreme–he gives the club’s owners and its fans hope by progressing the squad through a cup tournament so that he can keep his job. Of course, he never wins these things–even with Chelsea–but it’s just enough to throw everyone off the scent. When league losses mount, some feel sympathy for the Israeli–dumped by Roman despite coming so close to Champions League glory and a Prem title then guiding Pompey through last season’s insanity.

When he hopped into bed with Gold and Sullivan this season, we continue to feel a bit of pity for him despite his task being nearly complete. Sure, the Hammers might be staring at a date with Ipswich Town next season–but how about that FA Cup performance last night, eh?