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April 13, 2011
 

How to be a douchebag soccer fan

The patron saint of the douchebag.

Being a Manchester United supporter really can be difficult. I mean, how do you deal with the jealousy, the sour grapes, the delusions of grandeur that fans of other teams fling your way like piles of monkey feces?

It’s a rough thing to survive. I don’t know how I’ve done it for so long.

In reality, I’m one of the most realistic fans any of you will ever meet. I’m not blind to the massive holes in the United midfield for most of the season. I understand that we haven’t won matches for most of the season in the same fashion as in the past.

Sometimes, though, it’s really fun to be an ass. And now, I’m going to pass on my patented Douchebag Inspired Comment Knowledge system for annoying other soccer fans. In this one-time offer, I’m going to give you the strategies you need to get the most out of your trash talk.

That’s right, dear readers, I’m willing to give you my DICK absolutely free.

Let’s get started, shall we?

Never be consistent

One of the keys to being a real jerk is to show cockiness in exponentially larger quantity than humility.

For example, when United came back from 2-0 down to defeat Blackpool, I didn’t use DICK properly. Early in the match, I showed humility and worry for how the team was playing. I expressed my fear that this match would end badly. When the team went down 2-0, I told the Twitterverse that I had doubt in my side.

When United rallied for the victory, there was no way I could match or exceed the amount of worry that I showed. Epic fail.

Instead, the true douchebag would have held all of the fear inside. Maybe post one comment about expecting a tough match from Blackpool. Then, when United earned the victory, a barrage of “Yeah, I knew it!” comments would earn the scorn of all those in the Bootroom. That’s the right thing to do. It’s the DICK move.

The common response to this move is something akin to “He only sings when they’re winning.” Continue on and point out the failures of the respondent. Some examples:

“I only sing when they’re winning, but you must have forgotten how to sing because you never win.”

“I’m singing because we don’t have XXX as a manager.”

“You might be singing too if you had a striker better than XXX.”

Don’t let the facts stifle your trash-talk overkill. Which brings us to our second point.

Never let reality get in the way

One of the things that causes people to get the most angry at me is the perceived benefit that Manchester United gets from referees, the FA, FIFA, the dog catcher and my third grade teacher.

While all of that may be true — and in the real world I admit some of it is — that can’t stop the true douchebag fan.

In fact, the best way to be an annoyance is to take the mantra of Adam from Mythbusters: I reject your reality and substitute my own.

People tweeting that Evra should have been called for a penalty?

“We won, didn’t we?”

Someone ripping the silliness of Fergie’s touchline ban?

“Says the guy whose team is 14 points back.”

A comment about lazy Berba or rapist Evans or cursing Rooney?

“How’s Torres working out for you?”

Just remember that the truth means nothing. The truth holds you back from being able to truly use your DICK. Which brings us to the final point.

Never stop caring

Not to get all Jedi on you, but you can’t feel the twisted pleasure of being a douchebag unless you channel your pain. The true way to handle DICK is to remember every snide comment aimed at you and your team.

Remember the e-mail that simply said, “I’m calling it now, Chelsea 2-1.”

Print out the comment that said, “No way United wins the title this season. They might not even end up in Europe.”

Make your screen saver out of the tweet that said, “Rooney may never score again. HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

It is only through this malarkey that you will be able to harden your DICK strategy. And the more you use DICK, the more enjoyment you can get from sticking it to those around you.

Good luck, dear readers. I hope you take my words and use DICK for your own personal gain. You’ll thank me in the long run.

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The Stretford End