Silly Season Shopping: Manchester United

Hey you! I won't be tackling you anymore!

At some point during the 2010-11 season, it became clear that my beloved Red Devils were going to win the English Premier League (Suck it, Barclays) title because nobody else wanted it. I was looking through my Facebook and Twitter histories last night as a catalyst for self-abuse and sleep, and I came across more tweets and posts about how other teams had failed than I did about the greatness of my own. This is a troubling situation.

In the end, though, Manchester United was exposed by the GREATEST TEAM EVER IN THE HISTORY OF ANYTHING! in the Champions League final. I haven’t spoken a word about it on the blog, but it’s clear to me now that this iteration of Barca is like playing with Jeremy Roenick in Sega NHL 92 or choosing Pass 3 with the 49ers on Tecmo Bowl. And yes, I do plan on channeling Bill Simmons a little more in this piece.

However, it should be made clear that I am the only UFer whose team won silverware this year from their favorite team. I don’t count Orr because Italy doesn’t play soccer and I don’t even know who won Serie A. But of all the other people, I’m the only winner. (Yes, commenter Ryan, I hear you … I meant the writers…)

United are a solid team. They have a lot of good players, and some who should be great. They had the shock successes of the season in both Dimitar Berbatov and Javier Hernandez. Admit it. If someone had told you The Berba would score 20 in the EPL (SI,B) this season, you would have beaten him senseless with a cigarette butt. And while many had hopes for the little Mexican, did anyone see him being the threat he quickly became? I sure as hell didn’t.

But we have holes bigger than Lindsay Lohan’s hoo-ha in the midfield, and Wayne Rooney is better than he was a year ago, but will the addition of hair actually perform some kind of reverse Sampson on him? Finally, the loss of Edwin Van der Sar cannot be understated. He kept United in a lot of the matches that they grinded out toward the end. He was the best player on the pitch on some days. It feels an awful lot like when The Great Dane left and we were adrift for years with pretty good keepers who were prone to frangoes (TIMMAY!). So there are plenty of questions, and I have answers. It’s go time!

Where should the Red Devils spend the tons of cash they have hiding somewhere in Avi Glazer’s panties?

The first question with this is whether the money really exists. So far, the answer seems to be yes, so I’m going to go on the “use your credit card until it stops working” method when talking about purchases.

The heart of the pitch is the heart of the problem for United. While he has a great game once in a while, we all need to agree that Michael Carrick is not the answer in midfield. Also, the loss of Paul Scholes does mean something. Darren Fletcher took a massive step backward this season, so the center of midfield has to be the top priority for Sir Alex Ferguson going forward. Ashley Young appears to be on his way, and that’s a good thing. Wayne Rooney needs to play up top. He’s basically been covering for Scholes/Carrick/Fletcher for a year, and it’s hurt his return to scoring form. I dare say Rooney isn’t a striker anymore if he keeps playing this way. So something has to be done in the center of the park.

A very close second is goalkeeper. The impending signing of David de Gea sounds great, but I won’t believe that anyone will be great at Old Trafford until I actually see it. I, for one, thought Timmay wasn’t as bad as the papers made him out to be. At the same time, I never liked Fabian Barthez, but that’s because he wore short-sleeved jerseys, and those are just stupid with gloves. What is clear is that none of the backups are Fergie’s first choice, so de Gea it is.

The final question is in back. Patrice Evra took a step back, and the twins Brazilian are very good but quite impetuous. Phil Jones will obviously step into this breach along with the ever-aging Rio Ferdinand, who clearly needs a replacement in the near future. (Yes, he had a great season, but he breaks down a lot, and John O’Shea/Wes Brown aren’t the permanent answer.) with Jones in the mix, United will have Evra, Vidic and Ferdinand along with the youth of Jones, the twins and Chris Smalling. Not a bad succession plan.

Where should the Red Devils sell and get some money to pay off the payday loan place?

I’m going to catch heat for this, but I think it’s time to sell Nani. He’s starting to talk about where he wants to play eventually (for Mourinho, natch), and he started to slide off the Starting XI toward the end of the season. Yes, he has great pace, but as the year went on, he passed even less than usual. He set up many goals in the first half of the campaign, but his schtick started to wear a little thin later on. Also, the return to form of Antonio Valencia makes Nani a little more tenuous. Against Barca, the wings weren’t the problem. The center was. Ji-Sung Park, Valencia, a growing Tom Cleverley, Ashley Young, and a lesser-used Ryan Giggs (he showed his age against Barca) can man the wings for almost any side. Nani is the one player who can fetch a fee, and now might be the time to get it.

It’s also time to show the door to the Berba. Sure, United won’t get the same price they paid for him, but they’ll get a nice price, and it’s clear that Chicharito and Rooney is the pairing for the next few years. Also, if the rumors are true, there might be another striker-ish player coming in from White Hart Lane soon anyway a Spurs midfielder, who I always thought played up front for Spurs so f*** off Georger, might be coming in soon anyway. I love the Berba, but get value for him while you can.

Darron Gibson looks to be leaving for Sunderland. Sure, that’s cool.

Finally, give Carrick, Bebe (heading to Besiktas on loan), Jonny Evans and Wes Brown to the Salvation Army. Just give them away. Please.

Who should United want to sign?

Wesley Sneijder is the guy for me here. Will he come? Who knows, but damn if he wouldn’t fill the ginger shoes left by Scholes.

Samir Nasri would be a great here. I think he was the best player for Arsenal for most of the season until he got hurt. But when players leave Arsenal, they stop getting hurt. don’t they?

Luka Modric? Yeah, sure, let’s get him. He’s like the dude who played Lamar Latrelle when he was in Karate Kid: Sure, he won a match in the tournament, but he went down quickly to Johnny’s chest punch. And there concludes my Bill Simmons homage.

Finally, I think we should try to bring Carlos Tevez back, just so Nemanja Vidic can kick him in the nuts during the first training session.

It’s going to be an interesting summer for United, as much for the financial wranglings as for the signings. But for the first time in four years, signings are going to happen, and I trust SAF to do the right thing to keep us in the hunt every year. Forever. At least until he retires and they bring in Mourinho.