UF EPL Awards

An award winning hat.

As promised here are the Unprofessional Foul EPL Awards for the 2010-11 season. But before we do, I feel that yesterday’s Darren Bent selection got way more grief than it should have. Perhaps that is because the joke may have been a bit too insiderish. So, let me explain.

The Likely Lad thinks Darren Bent is the worst striker ever. This may be an exaggeration but TLL has a clear distaste for Bent in part because of his dismal stint at White Hart Lane. Besides that bit at WHL, Bent is one of the leading scorers in the Premier League over the last 5 seasons or so. All he does is score goals. And, as you all well know, Spurs strikers couldn’t score goals this past season if their lives depended on it. Unlike Daz Bent. So, the joke with TLL was when Spurs strikers sucked (most of the time) and Darren Bent scored we would point out that Spurs needed a goal scoring striker like Darren Bent. It progressed to just sending emails (mostly by me it seems) announcing every time Bent scored. So, Darren Bent had a good season, scored a bunch of goals and proved probably worth his transfer price for Villa and we stuck him on the Best XII just to needle TLL one more time. If it had been a Best XI, I doubt Bent would have made it.

On to the awards show…I wish we had a Ricky Gervais to host this thing.

Newcomer of the Year: Javier “Chicharito” Hernandez and Luis Suarez.

It was an awesome year for the little pea from Mexico. Bought for less than a Bebe costs and far less diaper changing. Hernandez had no baby steps entering the Premier League last year, although he did score a goal after kicking the ball into his own face. Other than that it was fairly smooth sailing for the Mexican international and as the year wore on he proved himself lethal in front of the goal and moved into a starting role alongside Hair Rooney.

Suarez was a mid-season signing from the Netherlands with a prodigious scoring record. He was signed for about 3 Bebes. But, the worry was whether he was going to be another Afonso Alves. That worry did not last long as the erstwhile Uruguyan goalkeeper proved to be another quick study who inspired a second half resurgence of a downtrodden Liverpool side. Mazy dribbling displays like this one against United made him an instant fan favorite and constant threat. Sidenote: While searching for Suarez videos on YouTube I came across this video from a guy who had a great seat to Suarez assist against United. He was taping the event and some bloke totally ruined the camera shot and the view.

Second sidenote: UF may be as corrupt as FIFA at times because the votes were far in favor of Chicharito as the newcomer of the year but as a Liverpool fan, I made it a tie. You can do that when you write the post.

Match of the Year: Newcastle 4 – Arsenal 4. If Charles Dickens had written about the match he would have called it A Tale of Two Halves. Being up 4-0 at the 50 minute mark, one would think Arsenal had the victory in the bag. Not the 2010-11 Gunners. One red card later, a few questionable calls and it was 4-4. A comeback for the ages.

Comeback Player of the Year: Joey Barton. Save for one little act of malfeasance, Joey Barton appeared to be a reformed man. He didn’t put out any cigarettes in people’s eyes. He didn’t beat up one of his teammates. He didn’t beat any other people up. He grew a great mustache. And, he had a great season for Newcastle.

The Darren Bent Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Being Darren Bent: Darren Bent. No explanation needed.

The Fernando Torres Award for “Hey, Remember When That Guy Was Good?”: Andrei Arshavin is the surprise winner. You would think Fernando Torres would have swept this award away as easily as he used to sweep his blonde lockes from his eyes. But, Torres already won the UF Anti-POY award so I think the voters went another route. Arshavin was the beneficiary of this.

Headwear award: Mario Balotelli. A Hamburger Helper hat and a bib as a hat. No other candidate came close.

Bullseye award: Mario Balotelli. Throw darts at others, get the bullseye award. Let that be a lesson to all you other footballers. Step up your game.

Humanitarian award: Mario Balotelli. To be fair, this is probably like one dollar to Mario, but when you compare him to John Terry, he’s practically a saint.

And now the final award.

The Robbie Keane Childhood Dream Award For Improbable Personal Success In The Face of Immense Difficulty: Scott Parker.

That’s all folks. But, if you think there others deserving of awards that are totally made up, please feel free to let us know.