Unprofessional Foul


June 24, 2011

Being Joe Colekovich—The Joe Cole Selling Brochure

Joe Cole is excited to discuss career opportunities with you.

Man, the weirdest things happen in soccer, don’t they? Guys like Zlatan Ibrahimovic win more trophies than God, while potential-filled never-quites like Joe Cole linger and proverbially kick proverbial tin cans down proverbial cobbled streets. Like I said, weird.

But Mr. Cole, weak and precious as he is, should have no fear as he stares down the barrel of his future gloom. He might get to hang around Anfield a while longer, but, if that dream does not come to pass, he’ll need a nice, glossy brochure that speaks to his brand value. So we’ve gone ahead and done that, with several cap doffs aimed at Arseblog for his Emmanuel Adebrochure, and of course, the hilariously actually real pamphlet that Michael Owen’s handlers foisted upon various clubs a couple of summers back.

Joe Cole might need more than a little sharp slang, though. But we think we’ve done the trick.

Enjoy Joe Cole’s dossier here. And do note that if Joe Cole does manage to conjure himself a new gig from the smoldering ashes of his current employ, it’s because of our Cole magazine. Voila! Warning: it is a PDF. But you figured that out already.


About the Author

James T


  1. MP

    This is absolutely brilliant. You had me at “not that cunt Ashley”

  2. Pure genius. Michael Owen wishes his was this good.

  3. sven

    Let us not forget ‘He like dogs’ & “He’s a very good fisherman.”


  4. Pradajames

    If Joe Cole had a signature fragrance it would be called “Invisible”.

  5. Orr

    This is phenomenal. I hope you guys made Joe Cole pay for this.

  6. Wedel

    I laughed. I cried. It was way, way better than that stupid fucking play about people dressed like cats.

  7. rob

    ‘not Ashley Cole’ would have been just as funny. Lactose tolerant was inspired.

  8. phuqjoecole

    He turned Spurs down for the Scousecnts!!! Good job he did too the useless sh1tfukka….you only get 1 chance to join Tottenham nowadays, and he already blew his pants going to scousesh!te so phuk him, that shows he empty headed cockney gobsh!te.

  9. Robbie Keane

    “You only get 1 chance to join Tottenham nowadays”

    This is true!

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