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December 6, 2011
 

Two Rich Guys Compare Whose Is Bigger

Remarkably You Both Make Mike Ashley Look Like an Effing Genius

Mistakes. That’s what we’re talking about: Whose mistake was bigger?

In January of this year Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich paid a record £50 million to pry Fernando Torres away from the Liverpool-based club of Seventhpool. Torres basically said that the club wasn’t contending for any major trophies any time soon—despite the ownership having just changed—and that the clock was ticking on his career.

The new ownership at Anfield looked at the truckload of money that Chelsea was offering for its star player (Gerrard doesn’t really play anymore so much as get injured, so by default, will give the distinction to Torres) and giggled like a New England school girl who’d been asked to the prom by Tom Brady.

John Henry promptly took the money from Abramovich and ran… straight to Tyneside to lodge a £30M bid for Andy Carroll. The same Andy Carroll who, a season and a half prior, was offered to West Ham for all of £1.5M.

Incredibly, Newcastle rejected that bid. So Henry upped it, to a reportedly £35M. And take a minute right here if you need to un-boggle your mind before proceeding. Anyway, that £35M bid was accepted and on the last day of the transfer window, Torres became a Blue and Carroll a Red.

And both kind of suck right now.

Since arriving at Anfield, Carroll has amassed a whopping four league goals in 16 appearances. He has five total goals in 20 appearances across all competitions (he also scored in the Sippy Cup). He doesn’t have a single assist to his credit.

Per unit time played, Torres is actually less lethal. Or “Torres is actually less lethal?” (yeah, I couldn’t believe it either). But he has totaled only three goals in 25 EPL (suck it, Barclays) appearances, although he does have three assists to go with. Overall he’s got five goals in 34 total appearances across all competitions. Additionally he has six assists to his credit. Torres’ stats are slight buoyed by this season’s Champions League campaign where, entering today’s do-or-die against Valencia, he’s chalked up two goals and three assists in four matches.

Both were super expensive and both are pretty pathetic. Actually, both are borderline dreadful. So we ask you: Which buy was worse? Carroll at £35M or Torres at £50M?

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Precious Roy