Unprofessional Foul


January 9, 2012

Oh, The Places We’ll Go!

I want to go where she's going.

Remember Dr. Seuss’ “Oh, The Places You’ll Go?” Well, it seems that story is always popping up at strange milestones in life: graduations, births, weddings, and funerals (well, that particular version was pretty short, it just said “TO HELL“, but I digress).

Today is a UF milestone, and we put together an abbreviated 3rd rate version of the Dr. Seuss classic to send us on our way.

Oh, The Places We’ll Go!

Today is our day.
We’re off to Great Places!
No Fergie Time in our way.

We have brains in our head.
We have mud on our boots.
We can pick a starting XI
That’ll do more than just ‘hoof’.

When you’re on your own, you know what you know.
(You know of the site addresses where you still shouldn’t go.)

Surf blog upon blog. Look ‘em over with care.
About some you will say, “Hell no, I won’t go there.”
With your head full of brains and boots covered in mud,
You’re too smart to read anything by that EPL Talk dud.

And you may not find any
In which you want to partake.
In that case, of course,
You should go and eat cake.

It’s a comfort food,
So think of us during.
Know that we’ll miss you,
Our heartstrings are stirring.


We’ll get our lives back!
NYK’ll go out on a date!
We’ll stop being hacks
Who stay up too late.

Precious Roy won’t lag behind, because he has speed.
Just the physical kind, not any laced in his weed.
JamesT’s moving up, with the best of the best.
The Likely Lad’ll hang out, with the rest of the rest.

Just know we will miss you.
Even Stretford’ll be blue.
I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true.
All our time hang-ups will now affect you.

There could soon come a day when games are not covered.
The lights will be on, but the doors will be shuttered.
Recall fondly the place, which noticed how wide,
Garreth Bale’s dong is; he never did try to hide

Still, come back and visit. Let the memories continue.
But keep a watchful eye out, we’ll still slip a jibe in you.
Simple it’s not, this time you will find,
For any of us to make up our minds.

Yes, in the future,
we’ll be together, of course,
Already setting in
is lovers remorse.

to post wit and run.
We know Johnny Evans would,
but HE’S unprofessional, son!

A last bit of advice, here’s another UF fact:
Life’s just a complicated balancing act.
Try not to forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left. (Ahem, Theo!)

be your name Berba or Barton or Gray
or Sir Moriarty Alex Ferguson O’Shea,
We’re off to Great Places!
Go suck it, Barclays!

For the record, these are the 'Great Places' to where UF heads…

About the Author

Mountain Wag


  1. WhiteSpeedReceiver


  2. This is bringing back memories of the the world cup when the site would just crash

  3. Outside Mid

    @ Brian: So, it’s just like reliving the old times!

  4. @OM exactly, now we just need your Bundesliga articles, Jacob doing Backpasses, and Anonsters commenting

  5. Lennon's Eyebrow

    For a minute I thought this was a farewell. I couldn’t believe you redesigned your site just to go away and leave us high and dry.

  6. Outside Mid

    @ Brian: My Bundesliga posts were too long & nobody read them. So, here’s a revised one: Marco Reus snubs Bayern Munich for Borussia Dortmund. Bayern has a hissy fit, Franz Beckenbauer says BvB wear silly shirts. Juergen Klopp challenges Der Kaiser to a fight, Franck Ribery avoids all conflict & jets to the south coast of France to cuddle with a 16 yr old while Arjen Robben pulls…uh, something.

  7. @LE: The day is going to get even sappier. James T has the final post of the day at 7 p.m. EST. And the Bootroom for Titi’s return goes up in 15 minutes.

  8. WhoNeedsForwards

    I read the Bundesliga posts :(

    Also, this place can’t leave. Where else would mocking Arsenal’s backline after Becchio scores like a hat trick this afternoon feel so good?

  9. MP

    @OM: just as an FYI I read them all I just didn’t have anything to add because I knew nothing about what was going on in the league. Same with the recent SPL pieces. Well done on all of them.

  10. Moonshine Mike

    @WhoNeedsForwards: Don’t forget Arsenal signing OwnGoal to another contract.

  11. Mountain Wag

    @LE – we didn’t. UF isn’t going away. Just the contributors are. If you’d met them, you’d understand they really need to get laid. All this writing isn’t helping. UF will still be here for you to talk to.
    @WNF – oh, there will be those to mock, fear not.
    @OM – I am strangely intrigued by this thing you call “Bundesliega”. I may watch more now.

  12. Lennon's Eyebrow

    @OM: If your Bundesliga posts were all like that, I would read the crap out of them.
    @TSE: Can’t wait. Also, did we ever get an update on JT’s run?

  13. Lennon's Eyebrow

    @WAG: Oh no, that’s even worse. Who all is leaving? The people mentioned by name in your little poem? Everyone? Are we getting new overlords? I can’t handle this much change in one day.

  14. MP

    There is simply no way I can wait until fucking 7 pm to find out the details.

  15. WhoNeedsForwards

    Man, Man U isn’t letting Own Goal go cheap, MM

  16. Mountain Wag

    @LE – hold tight spud, I’m not allowed by the ‘Blogfathers’ to reveal anymore just yet. But find yourself. We’re here for you.

  17. @LE: Chill. All will be clear by day’s end about the site. As for JT’s thing, it was a bike ride. He did 70 miles in some HORRIBLE thunderstorms. it was amazing to see him cross the finish line.

  18. Lennon's Eyebrow

    @TSE/WAG: Hey I’m chillaxed bro. I just didn’t know if this post was saying more than I was getting out of it. I’m a Spurs fan, clearly I’m not bright enough to ‘get’ poetry.

  19. Outside Mid

    @ WNF & @MP: Thanks for that. Those were a bit of work & I started getting discouraged as I could whip up a post about the Premiership in no time & get more pageviews on them–got a bit discouraging after a while. I should have done what Orr does & included lots of bewbz.

  20. Outside Mid

    @ LE: It’s okay, remember the only poetry you understand is in Latin (Audere est Facere) or Yiddish anyway.

  21. WhoNeedsForwards

    And there are some fine German WAGs too no less. http://www3.images.coolspotters.com/photos/212565/sarah-brandner-and-2010-sports-illustrated-swimsuit-issue-gallery.jpg

    Anyways, just as long as NYK doesn’t get total control or anything. As much as I enjoy the Ligue Un previews and multiple Nice-Brest jokes….


  23. Orr

    @OM – Don’t worry, the bewbz never worked either!

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