Unprofessional Foul


June 26, 2014

U.S. v. Germany Liveblog: Hashtag LET’S DO THIS

OK, people. This is the day we’ve all been waiting for. No, not the soccer game.

It’s New York Kid’s birthday. And it’s a big one. But enough about that.

Today is the day we’ve been dreading/waiting for for more than six months. USMNT v. Germany. Die Mannschaft against Die Klinsmannschaft. Are you actually going to work this morning? If you are, you need to take a long lunch or have a “doctor’s appointment,” stat. In fact, go ahead and use this. I’m sure it’ll help.

Your dog ate your homework.

Don’t they get, like, 16 weeks of vacation in Germany?

In the end, the USMNT has its future in its own hands. Win and we’re in. Draw and we’re in. If Portugal and Ghana draw, we’re in. But there is risk, and it just got $3 million in cold hard cash from its government.

Ghana’s players threatened to boycott their match if they didn’t get, you know, paid. So the president of that country literally got cash, flew it on a plane, then risked being hijacked by Vin Diesel in a souped up Honda in order to give Sulley Muntari more dollar dollar bills, y’all.

Anyway, if the U.S. team (+1 goal differential) loses, Ghana (-1 GD) has a decent shot at knocking the Yanks out AGAIN by beating Portugal. As for Ronaldo and the Ronnettes (-4 GD), they would need to win by more and hope we lose by more in order to get through the group. We have no idea which Portugal team will show up against Ghana. They could kick the shit out of the Africans as a way to save face, or they could just pack it in and lose by four.

What’s weird about this match is that I’m way less high strung than I was before the Portugal match. I was a damn mess for that one. I have a sense of calm now. For some reason, this feels like 2002 all over again. Somehow, some way, we’re going to back into the Round of 16 as the second place team (which is actually in the easier half of the bracket). I don’t know why. I just feel like it’s all going to work out. Which means we’ll lose 9-1.

I’ll be back with lineups and the usual fun for both games. In the meantime, watch this (yes, I know our coach and five of our players are German, but today they are true blue USA!!!) and GET PUMPED UP.






9:46 EDT: Here’s a pic from the stadium in Recife. Also, word beginning to spread of Twitter that Suarez verdict/punishment is coming any minute.

Will anyone be able to get there to watch?

Will anyone be able to get there to watch?

More in a bit. A Uruguayan source is saying nine games and a four month ban for Suarez.

9:51 am: Confirmed. Suarez can’t play for four months and he’s out 9 international games. I wonder if the four months affect the beginning of the EPL/La Liga season.

DISCIPLINARY: Uruguay’s Luis Suarez suspended for 9 matches & banned for 4 months from any football-related activity.

10:03 am: FIFA spokesperson says the game will go on as scheduled, pre-empting the ref inspection. Hmm. We’ll see how that goes.

Also, the Suarez ban includes only “official” matches for Uruguay, so this week against Colombia, then eight more. It could, conceivably, reach all the way to Copa America in 2016. He also can’t enter a stadium until almost Halloween. That’s up to 9 Liverpool games.

More on the way…

10:18 am: FIFA confirms in Rio that the game WILL happen as scheduled. Most pics showing wet but no real standing water. We shall see. Glad I put up a liveblog for PREGAME.

10:39 am: Man, I’d hate to work at this guy’s office.

BrD_31UIYAA0XqMMore to come…

10:46 am: The lineups should be out any time. And the rain is abating some in Recife. The big question for me: Do I wear my USMNT shirt for the game? What say you, UF commenters?

11:07 am: LINEUPS!!!

USMNT: Howard; Johnson, González, Besler, Beasley; Beckerman, Jones; Zusi, Bradley, Davis; Dempsey (González for Cameron, Davis for Bedoya)

Germany: Neuer; Howedes, Hummels, Mertesacker, Boateng; Schweinsteiger, Lahm; Ozil, Kroos, Podolski; Muller.

And in the other game…

Ghana: Dauda, Afful, Asamoah, Boye, Mensah, Rabiu, Atsu, Badu, A. Ayew, Waris, Gyan.

Portugal: Beto, Bruno Alves, Pepe, Veloso, Carvalho, Ronaldo, Moutinho, Nani, Amorim, Pereira, Eder.

What the fuck? Omar???? Shit.

11:20 am: I honestly have no idea what’s going to happen today. For some reason, I think Portugal will win 1-0 or 2-1. Which would be awesome for us. But I’m not going to make an exact prediction about the USMNT game. Especially with Omar playing.

11:31 am: It would appear that adidas is going to drop Luis Suarez. Really? Just now you’re realizing he’s a risk? I’m torn about him. He’s obviously a troubled man, and his talent is transcendent. He needs help, and he needs to be taken out of the game for a while to figure out things.

11:50 am: That chick in the Kia commercials is hawt. 10 MINUTES. SOOOOOOO EXCITED/NERVOUS/STRESSED/AAAARRRRRGHHH! Also, I love the Kiefer Sutherland things. They’ve been pretty awesome. But he’s Canadian, isn’t he?

11:52 am: In the tunnel. The Univision feed on my app hasn’t started yet for the POR-GHA match.

11:55 am: Anthems! Meanwhile, Portugal and Ghana are in the tunnel. Oh, crap. My GHA-POR stream is about 3 minutes behind. Hmmm…

11:57 am: OK, confirmed. I might try to move a second TV down to watch the POR game at the same time. Otherwise, I might be about 2 minutes behind with that.


1′: Pitch looks slow and wet. Good for USMNT. The field in Brasilia looks dry. Amazing disparity.

2′: A chance for Germany. If the USMNT can survive the first 10 minutes, they will be in good shape. But history shows that’s easier said than done.

3′: Both sides trying to get the conditions figured. Germany holding the ball well. My ESPN stream is 45 seconds behind live, the Univision stream 1:45 behind.

5′: Great ball to Boateng, who hits it first time, but the cross is right to Howard. The USA can’t get anything going. This is worrying.

6′: Over in the Ghana-Portugal match, we have our first foul and faux injury. Neither team looks into it so far.

7′: Ronaldo’s hair looks stupid, but he gets a great chance that is just kept out by the crossbar! So he seems to care, at least. GO PORTUGAL!

8′: CHANCE! Podolski moving in, but Howard is able to get the ball. WHEW. This doesn’t look good for us AT ALL.

9′: Holy hell. Omar with the near own-goal. Things looking really bad. Really bad. Boateng having free rein out there on the right, sending in cross after cross. Then they get a corner and really should have a goal. CAMON PORTUGAL.

11′: USA finally gets the ball, Hoewedes fouls Fabian Johnson, and Jermaine Jones is in BUT no advantage given. Horrible.

12′: Holy crap. The Ghana keeper just punted the ball while holding it out in the D. How does that not get called?!

13′: USA finally getting a little possession. Deuce loses it, though.

13′: Ronaldo puts a free kick on goal. The Ghana keeper is the only thing keeping them in it. Meanwhile, Omar comes up HUGE this time. Brad Davis isn’t playing a lick of defense, and Beasley is getting torched so far.

14′: Another huge tackle for Omar. After a shaky start, he’s starting to come up huge.

15′: USA can’t play this defensive and survive. Ghana is a really good team, but Germany is another class. We’ll get torched if this continues. Meanwhile, the Ghana-Portugal game is getting pretty chippy.

18′: This is one-way traffic. I’m scared.

19′: Beckerman should have been carded for a real foul behind the ball on Schweinsteiger. Lucky he didn’t.

20′: USA starting to see a couple of opportunities to move the ball around. They aren’t keeping it well enough, though. If they can get the touch down, they could actually do something. They can’t just play defense.

21′: HOLY SHIT. Portugal should have a goal. Great save again against Ronaldo.

22′: Portugal starting to boss the game against Ghana.

22′: SHOT! Zusi takes a good shot that just misses high. It was simple build up from the USA but waaaay better than they’ve been.

24′: You know, once they got through the first five minutes, the USA defense has been really solid. Closing down better and clearly communicating.

24′: Chance for Ghana quelled. Really their only one so far. Meanwhile, the USA almost gets a chance, but is definitely holding the ball a little better.

26′: Smart of USA to move Zusi over to the left to help Beasley. Been much quieter from Boateng since that switch. I would say Brad Davis has been a total loss to this point.

28′: USA holding the ball now. Playing some possession for a while Fabian Johnson with a great pull-back and THE REF TAKES OUT JERMAINE JONES!

29′: Ghana has nothing. Really nothing. It’s coming for Portugal. They are completely bossing the game now.

30′: Pace slowing a little in the USA game, which suits the Yanks just fine. Play slow, then counter. Kroos takes a shot, but no trouble for TIMMAY!

31′: GOAL PORTUGAL! It’s been coming for a long time, and it comes off the ball hitting the ref and going to Portugal.  And it’s an own goal from Boye off a cross. CAMON USA!!!

33′: Ghana players yelling at Boye after the own goal. Pretty amazing. Almost like how Cameroon were fighting the other day.

33′: Portugal just teeing off on Ghana now. Ronaldo with a tough shot and another good save. This could end up 3-0 or 4-0.

35′: TIMMAY!!! Nice shot from Ozil.

36′: ANOTHER PORTUGAL CHANCE. Wow. We might need to worry about the goal difference after all.

37′: The USA has clearly decided they are faster than Germany’s defense and want to take them on. This could be interesting if they can get one ball through.

38′: Jermaine Jones is a beast. This is three games in a row where the tackles are great and he’s on everything. Well done to him so far.

39′: I wonder if the US has decided to allow crosses. Omar doesn’t track Muller out to the side, but Timmy has no problem with the cross.

40′: USA gets a corner. Zusi has really been good. And I don’t say that just because he’s a Sporting KC guy. But then he sails it over everybody.

41′: USA has been really good at the professional foul. Four or five of them to stop the German rushes.

42′: Jones and Schweinsteiger get a little testy with each other. Jones luckily keeps his cool. Something he hasn’t always done. Meanwhile, Ghana trying to mount something like an attack, but they’re offside again.

44′: USA trying to be attacking, but it’s not really working out. At least they’re giving the defense a break, which they couldn’t do against Ghana. Meanwhile, Gyan dives in the box trying to get a penalty. Lying diver.

45′: Bradley can’t control a good pass from Jones. He really isn’t his best this tournament. Shocking, really.

45′: Portugal still teeing off. Nani puts it over the bar. No way they only stay with 1 goal.


The USA are clearly second best in this match, but they are doing what they need to do. I think we should pull Brad Davis out. Omar has been fine. I think we could nick a goal, but Germany could also get four.

I have to pee. Back for the second half!

HALFTIME: Wow. John Boye almost had a second own goal, and the ref called the half right as Portugal were setting up for a free kick. Unusual stuff.

HALFTIME: Klose on. Fuck.


45′: I don’t know who Klose replaces, but it’s not good that he’s on with all of the crosses Germany have had.

46′: Podolski came off. Wow. Boateng with another cross right to Klose but OMAR!!!!! He gets just enough to get Ozil off the ball.

46′: The USA is going to need to get its shape and its bearings again with the Germany change. If they can get through the first 10 minutes, I like their chances of surviving.

47′: Nani with another chance for Portugal, but Ghana blocks it out. Portugal back to bossing the game. USA game back to a slow pace.

51′: Germany playing a completely different shape now, with Muller crossing in above everyone. The Yanks really need to figure it out quick.

52′: CHANCE! Klose should have had that. Just over his head. Beasley and Besler yelling for offside, but they can’t do that. They have to communicate better.

53′: Bradley with his 584th bad pass of the tournament. It’s just shocking.

53′: Bradley fouls Lahm. Free kick to Germany about 35 out… No shot and the US kinda clears it.

55′: GOAL GERMANY. Off the corner, TIMMAY makes a great save, but the long rebound comes to Muller, who buries it. Great goal. Fuck. 35 minutes of squeaky bum time for the USA.

56′; USA needs to get its shit together immediately or this could get ugly in a hurry. Germany gets a second rush and it takes a great slide to get out.

57′: GOAL GHANA!!!!! FUCK!!!! 1-1. Quick counter on a give-away and Gyan buries a cross. While the draw is fine for the USA, this isn’t good in the tension category.

59′: Bedoya on for Brad Davis, who didn’t do a damn thing. About time.

60′: If Ghana scores again and our game stays like this, we’re out. FACK!!!

61′: Portugal losing it a little. Worried.

62′: This liveblog might go a little silent as I chew my nails. GHANA CHANCE! They just put it wide again. Fuck. This is bad. USMNT losing their minds.

63′: Ghana should have gotten a penalty. Wow. Player pulled right down.

64′: I think the USA is wearing down. We need Mix. Has anyone even called Dempsey’s name today?

66′: Ronaldo with almost another goal. Horrible foul call on him against the keeper. It was 50-50. This is rough to watch.

67′: USA finally gets out with a counter and Dempsey and Jones can’t make it work. Ugh.

67′: Ghana with another near chance. I don’t think that game ends 1-1. I can see 2-2.

68′: Ronaldo just kicks the crap out of a Ghana player. foul but no card.

68′: Neuer playing sweeper-keeper. Gets away with it. The US holding the ball and really just trying to get a breath. Meanwhile, Ghana gets another half-chance.

70′: USA gets a corner. But remember, Germany has four CB playing. Portugal starting to right the ship a bit and get some more possession. Nothing from the US corner.

71′: Germany on the break, but Besler makes a nice stop to break it up. USA chasing now. Ugly stuff again. Poirtugal with a near chance again, starting to put pressure on Ghana again.

73′: Ghana’s keeper is the man of the match. Easily.

74′: NOOOOO. Jones and Bedoya hit each other head to head. FAAAACK.

75′: OOOH! Could have been a penalty for Portugal. Ronaldo taken down in the box. Only a corner given.

76′: Ghana chasing Portugal. Good for USA. In our game, Gotze comes in for Schweinsteiger. That doesn’t seem like a nice move for the USA.

77′: Ghana putting on another forward player. Really going for it.

78′: Ghana shooting from outside the box. Not really getting good looks right now, though.

79′: OK, folks, A little more than 10 minutes left. CAMON USA AND CAMON PORTUGAL!!!

80′: TIMMAY!!! Also, Portugal getting space now as Ghana goes for it.


81′: Nani with a ball in. The keeper hits it out RIGHT TO RONALDO!!!! He buries it, and the USA gets some breathing room!

82′: So in the end, Ronaldo crushed the USA on Sunday and lifted them up today. Wow.

83′: Germany on the break again. USA are dead tired. Just worn out. Meanwhile, Ghana gets another half chance. Still squeaky bum time. 10 minutes?

84′: PORTUGAL CHANCE. Ronaldo could have had another. Meanwhile. Yedlin replaces Zusi, and he starts to cause trouble immediately. Schurrle about to come on for Germany.

85′: Another Ronaldo chance. He’s taking over. Ghana with a corner, though.

85′: Dempsey and Bedoya off the same page, otherwise there was really a chance on.

86′: Whew. Offside on Klose or he was in. No conspired draw here. Germany wants to kick the shit out of Klinsmann. Really, the USA need to be lauded for hanging in when they clearly are tired and outclassed.

88′: PLEASE HANG IN THERE!!! Best part of this is that Portugal are holding Ghana well.

89′: Beasley called for a foul or he would be in. Bad call. He’s been better after the first 20 minutes. Ozil off, Schurrle on.

89′: Portugal replacing their keeper!!!! Beto went for a dive and hurt himself. Whoa. Putting in a new keeper IN STOPPAGE TIME!!!!

90′: Gyan tries to test the new keeper immediately. No dice.


90+1′: Portugal holding the ball and trying for another. Also four minutes there.

90+2′: Beto is weeping on the sideline for having to be pulled. OOOH! PORTUGAL CHANCE!!! Ronaldo could have had 10 goals today if not for the keeper and a couple of bad bounces.

90+3′: WHOA!!!! A USA CHANCE!!! Great break out, but Lahm makes a great slide to block Bedoya’s shot. THEN ANOTHER!!! Dempsey just over the bar. WOW!!!


In the end, the USMNT played decent. They had moments, but it just wasn’t going to be today. Germany are/were a better team, but our boys played the shit out of this group stage.  They should be proud of their effort, even if they didn’t have the best results.

And by the way, we got through exactly the way I predicted six months ago. I AM A GOD.


Thanks for hanging out with me. I don’t know if we’ll have a boot room for the later games. This has been exhausting. I hope you enjoyed.

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