Unprofessional Foul


December 23, 2015

It Has Risen

Look what I found!

Look what I found!

[Tap, tap, tap]


Is this thing on?

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me now?

Welcome everyone to the UnprofessionalFoul.com Resurrection Party… otherwise known as UF’s eighth birthday extravaganza. It has also been almost four years since UF went dark. Our erstwhile leader, James T, pronounced the time of death in this post, but we all know UF didn’t really die; it became more powerful than you could ever imagine. There were some brief reappearances here and there. Kinda like a certain character from an epic tale — don’t worry, no spoilers here.

You may be wondering what UF has been up to for the last four years (some of it surely no good). Or maybe not. Regardless, The Fan’s Attic (@TheFansAttic) is here to catch you up. First, let’s see what happened previously on UF.

Baltimore Foul Up with a giant banner smuggled into the stadium in somebody's pants

Baltimore Foul Up with a giant banner smuggled into the stadium in somebody’s pants

The banner.

The banner.

England vs USA World Cup Foul Up. Look how happy the US fans were with a draw.

England vs USA World Cup Foul Up. Look how happy the US fans were with a draw.

Good times, for sure. Booze and soccer: Two constants with UF. Since the darkness, UF itself has been having a grand time traveling the world, taunting TSE with stickers and t-shirts he doesn’t have.


UF at the beach.


UF in ancient Cambodian ruins.


UF at a jellyfish rave.

UF swimming with sharks.

UF swimming with sharks.

But UF has always been more than that. The contributors and commenters alike are amazing people with incredible talents and intelligence that continue to do great things. Even more important is that they are all great people excelling in life and making this place a better place: a more populous place as well.

That’s right: there were three UF babies born and another three are on the way since we shuttered the doors. Yours truly has one of the former and the latter. Hell, some women are even consenting to marry us. There have been six weddings and another is in the works, unless she finds out what The Likely Lad is really like.

Every contributor is doing well in their chosen professions. Lucky for us Moonshine Mike (@BillJelavich) may actually be running the internet and there is no way he will let Donald Trump shut it down. James T (@JamesTylerESPN) continues to shape the soccer media landscape from his Amish bunker fortified with hundreds of pounds of smoked meat, three barrels of whiskey, and a vicious guard turkey. Precious Roy has probably started fourteen new businesses since UF went dark, a full eight of which have been successful. His shoeless runner dating website was not one of the lucky eight, though. Who could have known?

Autoglass is still the troll provocateur extraordinaire — perhaps even more refined in the last four years. His Chelsea side may proof that his power are peaking right now. Outside Mid (@OutsideMid) has moved from the land of boudin to a land of passable BBQ. A fair trade, in my opinion. Orr (@davelambcomedyis a wildly successful comedian (in his area) but will soon be known across the country. Look for him in about 10 years taking over for that clown Jimmy Fallon. The Mountain WAG is still the best WAG around. She now has a title to prove it.

Jacob’s having a hell of a year — his Clemson Tigers are the number one team in the land and his beard is second to only Santa’s. We cannot really go into the successes of The NY Kid (@deezfookinnutz) because it may well implicate him, but let’s just say he’s killing it. No word on the whereabouts of Wandering Bear though.

Number 1.  Beard or college football team?

Number 1. Beard or college football team?

Spectator (@Spectatorr) may have become the Hipster Lodestar in Brooklyn. Maybe. Georger has quit Twitter for the 11th time this week which is probably good for his blood pressure but bad for our entertainment. Despite being a Manc, The Stretford End (@iansheacahir) has been doing quite well professionally and his family is top-notch.

Perhaps the only one of us who has suffered in the last four years is BG, who came out… as a Man United fan. He was a secret Manc fan that infiltrated our ranks. At least we knew what we were getting with TSE; BG on the other hand was a sleeper cell. We have all been inoculated from his illness but I worry about those that have not been.

Now to close up this recap we are going to circle back to one of those UF constants: booze. It just so happens that Sven (@SvenWalls) has just opened a bar in NashvilleThe Centennial. I hear it’s the greatest bar ever. We are bound and determined to have a Foul Up there to put it through its paces. In the meantime, if you are in Nashville you need to be a patron.

UF at The Centennial.  Be there.

UF at The Centennial. Be there.

That about covers us. Enjoy Resurrection Day — it’s kinda like Rex Manning Day but only much better. Please let us know what you have been up to.

Oh, I almost forgot. The Timbers won the Cup!!!




PS – I am so incredibly sad that UF was not around for the current FIFA implosion. It would have been so much fun.

About the Author

The Fan's Attic