Unprofessional Foul


December 23, 2015

Unprofessional Fatherhood

After we said goodbye here at UF, we went forth and multiplied. I guess without all this third-rate blogging to do we had a lot of time on our hands, and the established UF brood grew and keeps on growing.

I imagine the same must be true (or soon will be) for many of our readers, so I’d like to pass along some things that I’ve recently learned as a new, soccer-obsessed dad.

Turns out it wasn't even his.

Turns out it wasn’t even his.

Be Thankful for the Early Start
We’ve all been there, wondering why the hell we woke up early on a Saturday morning for Stoke vs. West Brom. But with a kid you have a legitimate reason to be up, and you’ll be grateful to have something on in the background while they toddle about at ungodly hours. Hell, on the days when there is no early EPL start you may even have to flip over to BeIN Sport for Brentford vs. Huddersfield Town — shudder the thought. As an added bonus, these matches may put the little devil right back to sleep.

You did WHAT with my umbilical cord?

You did WHAT with my umbilical cord?

The Healing Power of Placenta
Having actually seen the stuff in person now, I can’t believe footballers actually fly to Eastern Europe to get it shot into their ankles. There’s no way it actually works. But for an agreed price, a licensed midwife will meet you in the hospital parking lot, take your wife’s placenta in a plastic cooler and turn it into pills. It’s supposed to help a woman recover after her pregnancy. So while I doubt Diego Costa’s hamstring is ever going to feel any positive effects, I am confident he will not be suffering from low milk supply or imbalanced estrogen levels any time soon.

Arlo White thinks You’re a Toddler
When our daughter got to be about one year old, the doctor told us that her receptive language would be blossoming so we should be narrating every little thing we do and using lots of adjectives. Say things like “look at the big, red firetruck,” or “Can you bring me the shiny, green ball?” The commentator everyone loves to hate adopts the exact same approach! I give him credit — it’s hard not to be at least occasionally quiet for 90 minutes and saying “meaty, French forehead” in reference to Olivier Giroud is textbook parenting.

Play the Advantage
It happens. Once your kid starts walking, your kid will also start falling down. We’ve all seen it: they hit the deck after little contact then look up for a reaction from someone else. Just play on.┬áIf everyone’s on the same page and doesn’t acknowledge their tumble, they should get right up like a sheepish striker and carry on. Even if they hit their heads, concussion protocols are pretty malleable still, you know?

Maybe Sepp Had a Point
People mistake my little girl for a little boy all the time and it drives me insane. It doesn’t help that she still has Wayne Rooney’s natural hairline, but it does make me err on the side of dressing her just a bit girly. Of course the color pink, sparkles, and headbands are probably not what the now-banned-yet-still-somehow-acting FIFA president was suggesting for the women’s game. Plus, when she gets older something tells me I’ll really disagree with him again.

Makes his kids wear helmets.

Makes his kids wear helmets.

Nobody wants their kid to be the Luis Suarez of the day care center. I suggest implementing a simple, card-based discipline system as early as possible. Screaming, taking someone’s toy or eating something inedible: yellow card offenses. Biting, hitting or spitting up on dad: red card. It’s the perfect way to set boundaries and teach them colors! Try a blue card for bath time and a green card for “eat your vegetables.” The whole family can get in on the act. Give the kids their own brown and yellow cards. They’ll know what to do with them.

Goalkeeping Wins Championships, Saves Lives
Babies and toddlers have absolutely zero sense of self-preservation. My daughter would absolutely pull a Shefki Kuqi down the stairs if we let her, so you’ve got to stay on your toes. I feel strongly that my goalkeeper training also prepared me to catch all of the objects she violently throws for no discernible reason.

Financial Fair Play
These things are expensive. I’m thinking we could add maybe one more player to the squad. A third would be stretching it economically-speaking. If we do get that far without somehow securing a Qatar sponsorship, I think it will ultimately have to result in me or my wife heading down to the clinic and picking up a lifetime “transfer ban.”

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