Proof.

“Look, I’m a coach, I’m not Harry Potter,” he told Spanish daily AS. “He is magical, but in reality there is no magic. Magic is fiction and football is real. Do you know how many training sessions we have had together, including the new signings? Not ten. I repeat: not ten.”

Photo evidence seems to suggest Mourinho may in fact be the offspring of Lily Evans and James Potter. Plus, Mourinho has that dash of arrogance and anger that typifies Harry. Jose also has a self-styled moniker–The Special One–like the special wizard that survived Voldemort’s avada kedavra curse so many years ago.

Or perhaps Mourinho is actually Voldemort, collecting his own crew of Death Eaters to do his bidding. While he is doing this he is also collecting trophies as horcruxes to put a bit of his soul in each so that he may live forever. Returning trophies to the Bernebeu will be his final and most important horcrux.

I have revealed too much.

Give him a broom and he’s playing Quidditch.

Take this past weekend, and a visit to seemingly placid Spartak Nalchik, who finished 11th last season. Up 1-0 early, you’d forgive Rubin goalie Sergei Ryzhikov for not taking a speculative 70-yarder by Spartak’s Milan Jovanovic seriously, but oh, how he ends up with egg on his face.

To wit, just look at how badly he judges the flight/bounce of the long hoof upfield:

Bet he won’t make that mistake again. Jovanovic, not related to LFC’s new left-winger, was simply lofting it in the general direction of his striker, only to hit unexpected paydirt. And like I said in the intro, Rubin might wish to splash some rubles on a new shot-stopper during the next window.

The game finished 1-1.

If I asked you to identify three England players who excelled in South Africa, could you name even one?

Of course you couldn’t, because picking great England players in the 2010 World Cup is about as pointless a task as you could undertake.

Well, maybe picking a great French or Italian player from this past summer would be more pointless, but I digress.

FIFA released its technical report of the 2010 World Cup—they roll off their water beds to compile such a document after every tournament—and while they always make for great reading, this one’s especially brilliant in that it names Wayne “Broken-Ankled Ghost” Rooney as one of the Three Lions’ best in South Africa.

So there you have it, folks. FIFA was on safari all summer as opposed to attending games. Why am I not surprised?

The report gets better, too.

Wayne gets special praise from the 16-man “technical study group”—which includes such luminaries as Gerard “I want credit for Rafa winning the Champions League, dammit” Houiller and former Scotland NT boss Andy Roxburgh—for being the following things: “hard-working, energetic striker; worked hard for team; good technique.”

Perhaps to FIFA, actions like berating a cameraman and sulking after another disappointing game count as good technique, but I can’t really be sure. It’s only when I see that Ashley “Sexty” Cole and Steven “I’ll shoot from anywhere” Gerrard get named as the other two Englishmen to acquit themselves admirably that I glaze over, fall down, and begin speaking in tongues.

What did they say about Gerrard? “Dynamic midfielder with good vision and technique, who linked defence and attack.”

And Ashley? “Competitive left-back with good technique, made forceful attacking runs.”

Alright, two more generic-sounding descriptions that are perhaps misguidedly applied considering that the entire 23-man squad was absolutely dire this summer, but I suppose if either (or all three) were on form, you’d likely hear Alan Shearer spout these tidbits of modest praise on Match of the Day.

I’m guessing that FIFA had to name three players from every team, hence the mega-reach applied to the English? Not so; France and Italy, two other Euro “powers” who showered themselves in glory, each had just one player singled out as being worthy of praise: Hugo Lloris (diver by trade) and Daniele de Rossi (diver by habit) made FIFA’s grade, whatever that might actually be.

I don’t think any of us here think England had three good players at the World Cup, let alone three good minutes in the 360+ they stumbled through across their oh-so-memorable run to the second round. Not that such a salient point would stop FIFA from characterizing the English in the following way:

- “strong, hard-working players”
- “aerial strength used effectively at set pieces in defence”
- “rapid transition from defence to attack”
- “attacks using width”
- “effective use of full-backs”

In other words, absolute rubbish.

To their credit, FIFA do get Spain just about right (“capable of fantastic, highly attractive football”) and concluded their review with a fine, unintentional joke about the Oranje, who came so close to lifting the World Cup for the third time: “And up until the final, the Dutch also played some fine football.”

Bravo, FIFA, bravo. “Up until the final,” indeed.

Ever since the beginning of time (or at least since the dawning of huge athlete paydays), parents have been looking to hitch a ride on their child’s sporting prowess.

If you could somehow determine if your child would be a good athlete or, even better, if there was a specific sport to which your child would be particularly well-suited, that would certainly be useful information.

To that end, scientists (SCIENCE!) had developed testing procedures for the ACTN3 gene, which is thought to be linked to athletic performance following the results of a 2003 study.

Looking to capitalize on an emerging market, Atlas Sports Genetics of Boulder, Colorado offers a $149 DNA test that purports to determine if a child is better suited for speed/power or endurance sports. Using a cotton swab on the inside of the child’s cheek, the company conducts the testing on those between infancy and 8 years of age. After a few weeks the results are returned to the parents with an information packet listing potential sports for which the child is suited.

However, numerous genetics experts have accused Atlas Sports of “peddling snake oil” and providing a useless service. While noting that the ACTN3 gene produces a protein which then produces fast-twitch muscle fibers, these experts are also quick to note that the gene is not capable of determining if a child will become a superstar athlete.

In fact, one of the authors of the original 2003 study has argued that: (1) the gene is just one of many factors influencing athletic performance; and (2) there is no evidence that the genetic testing has more predictive power than existing physical tests for specific talents.

Despite the skepticism of such experts as Dr. Theodore Friedmann (director of the University of California-San Diego Medical Center’s interdepartmental gene therapy program) and Dr. Stephen M. Roth (director of the functional genomics laboratory at the University of Maryland’s School of Public Health), parents continue to avail themselves of the tests provided by Atlas Sports in the hopes of finding out if their child is the next Michael Jordan or Michael Phelps. However, even though the test is relatively inexpensive, this seems to be a phenomenon that is more prevalent in more well-off neighborhoods in the United States.

In contrast, overseas this testing has really taken hold in India, where it costs 2000 rupees (~$43), a price that reflects two-thirds of the average monthly wage in that country. Relatively new to the country, having been introduced a mere six weeks ago, commercial testing for the ACTN3 gene has quickly become popular.

Perhaps they’re all hoping their child becomes the next Sunil Chhetri.

After Mikel Arteta made noise last month about playing for the Three Lions, it appears the FA has snuffed out the idea in short order. The FA just read the rule that would theoretically allow Arteta to play for England and figured out it wouldn’t allow it.

Funny how rules work. To make the switch, Arteta had to have English eligibility at the time he played for Spain. Clearly that was not the case.

Previously it was thought that because Arteta had only played for Spain at the youth level, he could take advantage of the new FIFA rule that would allow him to play for England after he acquired UK citizenship. Arteta was eligible to be a citizen because he had been in England for five years. After this came to light everybody was in a tizzy.

The home nations claimed this would violate some gentleman’s agreement. Others gnashed teeth and rended garments with ideas that this would ruin the purity of English football. All predictably overwrought and hypersensitive.

All of which prevented people from actually reading the applicable rule. Article 18.1.a (PDF Warning) of the FIFA statutes controls the changing of football nationalities and reads as follows:

If a Player has more than one nationality, or if a Player acquires a new nationality, or if a Player is eligible to play for several representative teams due to nationality, he may, only once, request to change the Association for which he is eligible to play international matches to the Association of another country of which he holds nationality, subject to the following conditions:

(a) He has not played a match (either in full or in part) in an official competition at “A” international level for his current Association, and at the time of his fi rst full or partial appearance in an international match in an official competition for his current Association, he already had the nationality of the representative team for which he wishes to play.

The weird thing about the rule is the results it can cause. For example, Arteta apparently can’t play for England because he was good enough to play for the Spanish youth national teams but not for the full team. However, Manuel Almunia could play for England because he wasn’t good enough for any Spanish national team. Same goes for Eduardo, Marcos Senna and probably twenty other Brazilians. Because they were not talented enough to get a sniff on the youth level, they can blithely shop around looking for another nation to represent.

Clearly the purpose of the rule is to prevent a player from shopping around nationalities in an attempt to play international football. However, if FIFA is going to allow a player to nationalize to another country and play soccer and allow a youth player with dual nationality to suit up for one nation then another, then the kissing cousin of these two would be allowing an Arteta situation and forbidding it, while understandable, is a bit arbitrary.

It would be like allowing all nude strip clubs without liquor or topless clubs with liquor in the same state–a distinction without real effect. You can get wasted in one and walk next door to see the fully monty and the only thing the law does is prevent you from doing the same at one place.

That said, we don’t think anybody has ever accused FIFA of being logical.

September 1 came and went with few surprises in the 25-man rosters, though we wouldn’t be doing the exceptional work of a third-rate blog if we didn’t make some observations, as well as pick up on an important, but tiny, rule that could benefit some teams during this September-January run.

First up, the rosters themselves.

No really notable omissions, unless you were a huge Riga Mustapha fan. The big absences—Jonathan Woodgate, Michael Kightly, Mamady Sidibe—were hinted at over the past few weeks, as all three have suffered either significant injuries or have endured setbacks in their rehab schedules from injury or surgery.

Ergo, Pulis, Redknapp and McCarthy were never going to gamble on the fitness of those players when space in the 25 is limited. Plus, Rafael van der Vaart’s signing pushed Wooders off the bubble, as did Pletikosa for Ben Alnwick.

So what else is there?

Really, it’s all about the loopholes. The EPL, in their infinite wisdom, decided not only to forgo any meaningful punishment for teams who failed to live up to the 17+8 structure of the homegrown rule, but they made it easy for teams to sidestep the obvious problems of naming less than 25 in two ways:

1. They can throw as many U-21s, homegrown or otherwise, into the mix. No penalty for doing that, which explains the fact that most teams listed all contracted or scholarship players along with their “official” squads. This means an extra 15-20 players in most cases, though obviously, a small percentage of these players would be useful and productive right now in the top flight. This we knew, more or less.

2. They can add free agents whenever they please, if they name less than 25. This is the big one, folks. Teams can augment their squads with players outside the window if they need to. Though they must name a full 25 if they indeed have 25 contracted players on the books, there’s room to add in at any time. This might explain the slew of lesser players shipped out at the end of the transfer window, aka clearing room so they could name less than 25 and give themselves options throughout the season.

How many teams named less than 25? 12 in total.

Arsenal (20), Aston Villa (22), Blackburn Rovers (21), Blackpool (24), Bolton Wanderers (24), Chelsea (19), Everton (21), Liverpool (21), Manchester United (24), Newcastle United (23), Sunderland (24), Wigan Athletic (19)

Granted, it doesn’t mean that any or all of these teams will necessarily be scouring the waiver wires to pad out their teams, as the unlimited U-21s helps there, but they could acquire more players if so compelled.

Also amusing was The Fan’s Attic’s observation on email yesterday, noting that the rules state there cannot be any more than 17 non-homegrown players, but as the rules stand, there’s nothing stopping a team from naming just 17 players total and augmenting with the U-21s. Ahh, homegrown rules. Doing nothing whatsoever since 2010.

Looking at the PFA website—which doesn’t seem 100% up to date—there are quite a few free agents around that could be useful in the coming months:
Jeremie Aliadiere (ex-Arsenal and Middlesbrough striker)
Jay freakin’ Demerit (USMNT center-back, formerly of Watford)
Steve Finnan (ex-LFC, Fulham and Pompey right-back)
Keith Gillespie (ex-Newcastle United midfielder)
Liam Rosenior (ex-Fulham, Reading and Ipswich defender)
Anderson da Silva (ex-Barnsley midfielder)
Simon Whaley (ex-Norwich winger/midfielder)
Darius Vassell (ex-Aston Villa, Manchester City, and Ankaragucu striker, and owner of an excellent, now-defunct blog)

Not a ton of superb talent, granted, but you mean to tell me Jay Demerit isn’t worthy of a squad spot somewhere? Or Aliadiere? Any of these guys would round out a squad nicely, and probably cheaply too.

And this is the beauty of the homegrown rule. It’s not really much of a rule at all, so beaten, battered, and broken as it already is. Teams have flaunted its grave guidelines and don’t seem to be nearly as troubled by it as the pundits thought they would.

Of course, it hasn’t stopped The Sun from making this an issue of national pride, especially with poorly-written garbage like this from Paul Jiggins. Hey there, journo: the clubs didn’t make this a farce. The league did when they tried to implement it.

And so, the EPL enters its “brave new dawn” according to Jiggins, whereas if you ask me, the landscape looks just the same as it did before.

It’s been a rough few weeks for Djibril Cisse, first crashing out of the World Cup in embarrassing fashion and then crashing his car.

The French international is well-known for his wacky fashion sense (particularly involving his hair), but is perhaps best-known for his love of cars. At various times he has had in his garage a Chrysler 300 C, Hummer H2, Plymouth Prowler, Shelby GT 500 (1967 and 2008 versions) and Dodge Ram SRT-10.

Sadly, he will have one fewer car in that garage, as he was involved in an accident yesterday evening while on his way to training with Panathinaikos. The striker, who was on his way to continue rehabbing an injury sustained during a preseason friendly, was unharmed in the accident.

However, his €300,000 ($380,000) Bentley Continental GT sustained significant damage. Cisse was taken to the club’s training ground by a club official and, strangely enough, had the car towed there as well. Panathinaikos officials are sure to be ecstatic that it was only his car that was damaged, as he looked ready to regain the pitch for their Champions League match against Barcelona on September 14th.

The real question, however, is why Cisse was even driving the Bentley at all. Why would you ever drive anything other than this:

This is one of those silly discussion starters of a post that is hooked to a column or a small piece of news. That said, it’s interesting to talk about, anyway.

Celtic majority shareholder Dermot Desmond says his club and Rangers would survive in the EPL, and with the Old Firm gone, the SPL would actually be better off.

There is something to his argument, no matter how far-fetched the move is.

“I’m a believer if you have content and tradition like Celtic and Rangers have then they add something to the Premier League,” he said.

“I think it will be good for football in Scotland, for football in England, in Britain and in Europe.”

Over the past decade, Celtic and Rangers seem to be thriving on reputation over all else. Sure, they run away with the SPL every season and make it into the Champions League, but they don’t challenge beyond that.

The Champions League is actually what I think is interesting about this discussion. For the English clubs like Liverpool, the Champions League is a needed and powerful financial boon that none of the big clubs would want to give up. Desmond seems to think that giving up for the benefit of the Champions League would be worth it for the financial benefit of the EPL.

As far as the possibilities, Desmond thinks it’s too tough on the other SPL clubs to deal with the size and budget of the Old Firm.

“The budget Celtic and Rangers have dwarfs the budgets of the other clubs. It is very hard for the other clubs to compete although they do compete very well with the funds available.

“If Celtic and Rangers moved south it would enable those clubs to be more competitive and not to have the financial pressures because Celtic and Rangers are in their league.

“I think Celtic and Rangers bringing up the Arsenals, the Uniteds, the Liverpools, the Manchester Citys and the Spurs will encourage and develop football in Scotland.

“If you see these great Premiership players playing on a weekly basis it will improve and encourage more Scottish people to play football. I think it will also give Scotland a greater identity.”

This is a moot argument, I realize, but it’s an interesting one. I think it makes sense. Hell, Cardiff is in the Football League, so why not Celtic or Rangers? Start them at the nPowership and let them earn their way up. If they stay, great. If not, well, fook off.

That’s the way I see it, anyway.

Admittedly, we don’t pay all that much attention to women’s soccer around here.

Of course we all remember the glory that was Elizabeth Lambert (although she never responded to our proposal of marriage), but aside from that we find it difficult to muster much interest. After all, if we want to see estrogen in action on the pitch, we can just watch Real Madrid (get it? Ronaldo is a preening ninny!).

Naturally, because we are sexist pigs (just ask Mountain Wag!) our interest is piqued whenever we hear about violence on the pitch during a women’s match. Watching the fundamentals of passing and set-pieces is one thing, but seeing combatants in ponytails is another thing entirely.

As the college season started this past weekend, it didn’t take long for this year’s version of sexy shenanigans to emerge. This time it was a match between the Oregon Ducks and the Oklahoma State Cowgirls that featured the wrestlemania, as in the 63rd minute Mercedes Walters (OU) and Kyndall Treadwell (OSU) had a bit of a disagreement.

Won’t someone think of the (special ed) children? Really, Ms. Treadwell, is that the kind of example you want to set for your future students?

On Friday, Les Bleus will face off against Belarus in Group D qualifying for Euro 2012 in what is also Laurent Blanc’s first competitive match as the national team coach.

After “punishing” the WC 2010 players by leaving them uncapped for last month’s friendly against Norway, Lolo decided that he actually needed some players with experience for this qualification campaign.

Unfortunately for him, things haven’t started off very smoothly. After anticipating the loss of a partially-fit Lass Diarra by bringing in Yohan Cabaye and Anthony Reveillere, he is now faced with fitness questions for Cabaye and Karim Benzema, leading to a provisional call-up for Blaise Matuidi.

This makes the squad for the first two qualifiers (Les Bleus play against Bosnia-Herzegovina on September 7th):

Goalkeepers: Hugo Lloris* (Olympique Lyonnais), Steve Mandanda* (Olympique de Marseille), Cédric Carrasso* (FC Girondins de Bordeaux)

Defenders: Bacary Sagna* (Arsenal FC), Adil Rami (LOSC Lille Métropole), Philippe Mexès (AS Roma), Mamadou Sakho (Paris-Saint-Germain FC), Benoît Trémoulinas (FC Girondins de Bordeaux), Gaël Clichy* (Arsenal FC), Anthony Réveillère* (Olympique Lyonnais)

Midfielders: Mathieu Valbuena* (Olympique de Marseille), Jérémy Ménez (AS Roma), Alou Diarra* (FC Girondins de Bordeaux), Yann M’Vila (Stade Rennais FC), Abou Diaby* (Arsenal FC), Florent Malouda* (Chelsea FC), Yohan Cabaye (LOSC Lille Métropole), Blaise Matuidi (AS Saint-Etienne)

Forwards: Kévin Gameiro (FC Lorient), Karim Benzema (Real Madrid CF), Loïc Rémy (Olympique de Marseille), Louis Saha (Everton), Guillaume Hoarau (Paris-Saint-Germain FC)

Overall, that means that 10 players from the disastrous World Cup 2010 campaign (those marked here with an asterisk) have been called back to fulfill their international duties, while Franck Ribéry is unavailable due to suspension and André-Pierre Gignac and Djibril Cissé were left off due to injury concerns. In the end, then, it is possible that 13 of the 21 WC 2010 malcontents will find their way back to Les Bleus.

So it seems that Laurent Blanc’s threats of a “blank slate” approach will be fairly toothless when all is said and done. If he’s really serious about putting forth a team that plays with pride for their country, perhaps he should bring back Zizou and Barthez.