Hey Look We’re Exprets, Too

That was intentional.

Anyway, we’re going to milk the Euro for all we can, because once we run out of related posts, we’re going to have to think of things to write about.

Sure there’s the transfer market, but Liverpool is holding Crouch hostage for a fee that is almost exactly what they need to buy Gareth Barry. So their financial situation is fairly transparent and any move they make will be similarly telegraphed. As for the Gunner contingency among us, we will simply plug our ears—la la la la not listening—place faith in Wenger, and conveniently forget that it hasn’t really worked out the last two seasons.

So as futbol’s hot stove heats up, we go to eleven and present our best squads from Euro 08.

Of note, only one of us put Xavi, the UEFA player of the tournament, in their starting XI. By our collective accounting, Marcos Senna was probably the Spanish midfielder of choice, as he made every single list.

In fact, I’m just going to call out UEFA’s panel of nine technical experts as collectively ‘tarded up for their choice. Not that Xavi was at all bad, but it’s pretty clear that Senna was the main reason that Spain went through the knock out stages without conceding a goal.

He so disrupted the Russian and German midfields that Casillas didn’t even have that much to do; and the reflex kick-save on Camoranesi in the quarters turned out to be the most title-saving save he had to make.

Anyway, David Villa and Carlos Puyol were similarly lauded. The latter made every list but one and the former all but two (and the two he was absent from had striker partner Torres instead).

As for players not from Spain (or naturalized Brazil-born Spaniards) there was lots of love for Andrei Arshavin.

It’s tough to poo poo that choice after he riddled the Dutch silly, but I’m going to try anyway. Arshavin only played in three games, and in one of them he was completely shut down—like NYC November ‘65 shut down—by Senna. So Arshavin had one nice game against Sweden, and a superb game against a Dutch team that, pre-tourney, everyone thought had a suspect back line that was waiting to be exposed. So maybe don’t believe the hype.

My personal favorite squad? Not even mine. The NY Kid went genius crazy on us and cooked up a formidable 4-5-2.

Euro 2008 Squad of The Tournament

Time to party in Madrid

Euro 2008 Liveblog: Germany v. Spain

Okay kids, this is it! You know where we stand in terms of predictions, but we have yet to hear from you clowns. Let’s get some suggestions in early, before the match gets too far underway. Germany v. Spain! Wienerschnitzel v. tapas. Berlin v. Barcelona. BMW v…Oh well. Hopefully you are in a good mood and ready for today’s match. Personally, I am ecstatic, as I have been watching Landon Donovan cry in HD thanks to the abuse heaped upon him and the LA Galaxy by DC United. After the jump, all the details.

The starting XI for Joachim Low’s German squad:

Centre official: Roberto Rosetti (ITA)
Assistant referees: Alessandro Griselli (ITA); Paolo Calcagno (ITA)
4th official: Peter Frojdfeldt (SWE)

Is anyone out there, or am I blogging with myself?

00:01 – And we’re off!

01:00 – Throw-in from Torres put out, resulting in a throw for Ze Germans.

01:50 – The boobirds come out as Spain opens up very timidly, moving the ball in their defensive third of the pitch.

02:55 – Bad touch from Ramos forced by Schweinsteiger, but Klose is unable to get off a shot.

03:43 – Long ball from Silva, but Torres is offside.

04:27 – More offense from the Germans, as Podolski plays Lahm at the endline, but he is unable to cross the ball in-bounds.

05:56 – Sergio Ramos pushes forward, and the ball eventually gets to Capdevila, who is about 28 yards offsides.

06:59 – Ballack gets loose on the left around Puyol, but the ball served across the goal doesn’t find anyone waiting for it.

08:24 – Klose pushes the ball into the middle for Hitzlsperger, but the quiet midfielder gets off a very weak shot. Too easy for Casillas.

09:16 – The Germans are moving the ball much better than the Spaniards. The crowd is still booing, although that might be residual from Enrique Iglesias’ performance.

10:54 – Poor ball forward for the Spaniards, and Torres and Mertesacker get tangled up. No foul, as the ball was already firmly in Lehmann’s hands.

11:10 – Klose earns a corner. The resulting kick by Schweinsteiger is punched out by Casillas, straight to the Germans. Frierich delivers a ball into the box which is grabbed by Casillas.

12:29 – Torres is fouled by Lahm, but the Spaniards play the resulting kick back into the midfield. They are very tentative.

13:50 – Torres drives the ball into Iniesta, but it comes off Metzelder, which forces Lehmann into an excellent save. The corner is played short to Iniesta, back to Xavi, who puts forth a poor cross.

16:09 – Spanish free kick from 35 yards, and the ball goes directly to Lehmann. Very poor effort.

Ed’s note: I am not impressed by Torsten Frings’ tale of pain. I once broke 3 ribs in the first game of my rec season, and played 3 more games before I realized it. Suck it, Torsten!

18:51 – Deep ball from Silva to Torres, and Metzelder hacks at Torres resulting in a free kick. The ball from Xavi finds Torres, who heads it over the goal.

21:26 – Ballack fouls Xavi as he passes the ball to Cesc. The free kick is played back to the Spanish midfield, and then back forward for Fabregas. He gets it to Torres, who puts it off the post and Sergio Ramos and Capdevila both muff chances at the follow.

24:11 – Podolski earns a corner. Schweinsteiger puts in a ball that is too low, but his second ball comes out to the far post. Ballack receives the ball and fires the ball into Xavi. On the Spanish break-out, Lehmann goofs and has to put the ball out. The resulting throw-in leads to a low shot taken cleanly by Jens.

26:23 – Klose plays the ball through to Podolski, but he is unable to find Hitzlsperger in the middle.

During discussion of NASCAR, we find out that Andy Gray was treating a lady-friend to some shopping yesterday. Fascinating!

28:28 – Ballack is fouled by Senna, and Lahm takes the free kick quickly, but the Spanish take control.

28:51 – Torres gets loose, but Metzelder is able to track him down and put the ball out. The corner kick is played in, but the Spaniards are called for a foul in the box (Sergio Ramos).

30:21 – Silva plays the ball out, resulting in a throw for Lahm. Silva has some words for the AR, who doesn’t seem interested. The ball comes back out to Fabregas, who puts in a low shot that is taken cleanly by Lehmann.

32:20 – GOAL! Spain 1 – Germany 0. Torres gets loose once again, this time darting between two German defenders (Lahm and Mertesacker). Lehmann comes out for it, but Torres pokes it over him.

34:10 – Iniesta gets forward and plays the ball to Silva, who puts it way over the goal. The Spaniards have their tails up.

35:11 – Ballack is bleeding, although it’s not clear where the cut came from. Ah, it appears it was a head-butt from Senna.

36:01 – Schweinsteiger draws a free kick at 30 yards out. The kick is played into the box, but it skies over the bar.

The replays really demonstrate just how brilliant the goal was from Torres. He beats 2 German defenders (one of whom, Lahm, is arguably the team’s best) with his speed, and then beats Lehmann with a smart touch.

37:49 – Ballack fouls Fabregas, and is then sent off again for blood streaming down his face.

39:11 – Schweinsteiger is fouled by Capdevila, although it’s a soft call. Hitzlsperger plays the ball into the box, but the ref calls it back since he hadn’t blown the whistle. The stoppage actually gives Ballack a chance to get back in. The second kick is played into the box and put out by Senna for a corner. The third kick of this series is played out by Casillas, directly to the Germans, who earn another corner. That ball is played out to the top of the box, and played out by Xavi before Hitzlsperger can perform the bicycle kick.

41:31 – Ballack gets involved in an altercation, and Casillas comes flying out of net to push him away. They both earn a yellow card for their trouble.

43:18 – Free kick for Spain near midfield, and it gets played all the way back to Casillas. Fabregas moves forward with the ball, but is dispossessed by Schweinsteiger. The ball is played into Metzelder, but the Spanish respond well, and get the ball up to Iniesta, who earns a corner. The resulting kick is played short to Senna, who eventually plays it into the box. Sergio Ramos goes down trying to earn a PK, but the ref waves it off.

45:00 (+01:00) – Halftime. Spain 1 – Germany 0 on a brilliant goal from Torres.

u75 has posited that all which Ballack has contributed today is chipping at the ankles of the Spaniards, which is a bit unfair. He has also bled on them.

45:00 – Friedrich off, Jansen on for Germany to start the half. CORRECTION – It’s Lahm who is off.

46:01 – Klose goes down in a heap after a pass from Frings, but he was offsides.

48:09 – Fabregas to Iniesta, but Frings recovers the ball and is then fouled. Andy Gray isn’t happy with the call.

49:01 – Torres is taken down, but no foul is given. Andy Gray disagrees with this call also.

50:09 – Torres is caught offsides, and Klose takes a boot to the coinpurse.

Signal to Noise has put in a vote for Senna as “best under-the-radar player” for the tournament. Luis Aragones doesn’t think that he should be eligible, since he is black.

52:46 – Fabregas to Torres to Xavi, who puts the shot wide.

53:29 – Corner for Spain, as apparently Lehmann got a hand onto the ball. The kick comes out to Silva, who puts a shot on goal. Sergio Ramos tries to redirect the shot, but it goes wide.

54:43 – Xavi slides the ball through for Torres, but Lehmann comes out quickly and manages to make the save this time.

56:58 – Frings tackles Iniesta, who goes down in a heap. Looked worse than it actually was.

57:22 – Karanyi on, Hitzlsperger off for Germany. Karanyi will play up top with Klose.

57:49 – Good build-up from Spain, and ends up with Sergio Ramos putting the ball across the goal mouth and over the endline.

59:00 – Puyol coughs up the ball, and it comes to Schweinsteiger who touches it for Ballack. The shot goes just wide, hitting the side netting.

59:11 – Karanyi is called offside, but he looked to be even.

60:01 – Torres goes down after a kiss from Metzelder, and the crowd boos. No foul is called. The counter-attack comes out to Ballack, who crosses for Karanyi. Casillas barely manages to get to it.

61:23 – Schweinsteiger plays a beautiful ball for Klose, but Sergio Ramos guides it out. The Spanish counter-attack results in Torres being taken down, but the free kick goes nowhere. The Germans attack again, but Schweinsteiger puts the ball out off Klose.

62:54 – Fabregas off, Xabi Alonso on for the Spaniards in a defensive move.

63:01 – A bit of the argy-bargy as Silva and Podolski jaw at each other. Silva barely moves his head, and Podolski immediately grabs his eye. The ref ignores everyone, particularly Ballack who is trying to get a red for Silva.

65:49 – The ball comes off Metzelder’s hand, resulting in a free kick. The ball is played into the box, and Sergio Ramos gets off a blistering header that is stopped by Jens.

67:01 – The resulting corner is played quickly, and the shot comes tearing in but Frings clears it off the post. The ball makes its way back to Iniesta, who pokes it towards Jens. The save is made, and Spain earn a throw-in.

69:40 – Jansen earns a free kick by running into Sergio Ramos’ back. The ball is played by Frings into the box, but Casillas punches it clear.

71:48 – Casillas is bent over in some pain. It may be stomach or groin pain, but it’s more likely a jammed finger.

Apparently, I missed a substitution, since Cazorla is running around the pitch for for Spain. Possibly on for Marchena.

73:33 – Torres earns a yellow card for an accidental headbutt of Metzelder. Poor decision by the referee.

75:00 – Torres gets loose, but his touch to get around Mertesacker is too heavy and goes directly to Jens.

76:10 – Good pressure from Spain, but Torres is unable to get past the German defense. The ball is played out for a corner, which results in nothing.

77:25 – Guiza on, Torres off for Spain. Gomez on, Klose off for Germany.

78:00 – Lehmann gets away with playing the ball off his arm just outside the box. The ball bounces around midfield, and the Spaniards come back with Iniesta to Xavi to Capdevila, who puts a shot low directly at Lehmann. The Germans try to counter with Schweinsteiger in space where Capdevila should be defending, but it comes to nothing.

80:50 – The Spaniards attack again, and Guiza heads the ball back toward Senna, who just misses scoring the killing goal.

82:00 – Guiza comes down 1-on-4, and draws a corner. The resulting kick is useless. Germany play the ball out, but it comes back to Senna who is fouled. Xavi puts the ball over the bar.

86:00 – Karanyi offsides as the Germans continue to push.

87:01 – Yellow card for Karanyi for a late tackle.

89:58 – Late German pressure, but Gomez fouls Capdevila.

90:00 (+00:55) – Podolski takes the ball off Capdevila, but is unable to find Gomez.

90:00 (+01:24) – Xavi takes the ball into the corner, and then to Cazorla, who lays it off to Xabi Alonso. Long kick from Lehmann and the Spaniards earn a free kick.

90:00 (+02:25) – Throw-in for Germany in their own end. Lehmann almost gives the ball right back to them, but Schweinsteiger plays the ball long. Puyol gets a head on it, and sends Metzelder to the turf at the same time. No foul called, and the whistle blows after Casillas’ kick.

90:00 (+03:00) – FULL TIME. Spain 1 – Germany 0.

Another still kinda-drunk post about today’s final

So, still in the grip of two solid, sustained days of drinking, we have made it to today’s final. And my Spain pick (trendy, but justified) is still there! Wunderbar.

Even though we’re all losing in the UF Pick ‘Em League to you commenters, we still felt like we couldn’t let the Big Kahuna pass by without offering our final predictions for the final. After some back and forth and a firm grip on the definition of irony, we present a sampling of our guesswork after the jump.

If you’re in the NYC area, traipse on up to the Kinsale Tavern (3rd Avenue between 93rd and 94th) to join the UF contingent and friends for a drinking binge in the back corner.

But first…. our wildest and most comical guesses!

Ian: Spain 2-1

A howler from Jens at the death dooms the Krauts.

u75: 3-1 Spain. ‘Cause that’s what I have in my pick’em.

Spectator: 2-1 der Germans, because I predicted Germany would win at the start of the tournament (also correctly predicted Germany v. Spain — I am so
very talented at picking the favorites!!).

Precious Roy: Spain 2-2 (Win on PKs 5-3).

Cesc and Guiza for Espana. Klose x2 for die Germans.

Clueless of the overtime periods, some ABC producer throw switch to a WNBA game after the end of 90 minutes.

Moonshine Mike: 1-1 with spain winning 4-3 on PKs. of course Cesc nails the clincher, then falls down, twists his knee and is out for the entire Arsenal season.

The NY Kid: 1-1 after full time (Klose v. Torres). Germany wins on PK 3-2.

The Likely Lad: I picked spain 2-1 in le juge euro 2008 (don’t ask), so I’m sticking with ‘em!

Lingering Bursitis: My thought: 3-1 Spain.

Torres 1-0
Bastian 1-1
Xavi 2-1
late breakaway tap-in at the death to seal it from Silva 3-1

The Fan’s Attic: Spain 3 (Torres x2, Silva)

Germany 2 (Ballack, Klose)

It’s who I picked prior to the tournament.

A really quick, hungover preview of today’s festivities

Die Mannshaft. La Seleccion. Cooly efficient Teutonic machinery against the emotional, flamboyant, insanely skilled Spanish. And about a million other timeworn national cliches. ESPN is even bringing up the Holocaust. Yes, it can only mean the final is upon us. A quick UF preview, after the jump.

Euro Quick-kicks

Michael Ballack may miss the final tomorrow with a calf injury he suffered on Friday. He missed his team’s last practice today. Herr Ballack also missed the 2002 World Cup Final, but due to suspension not injury.

In Memoriam: Turkey

To the Turks, everything is “shurla burla”, which means “like this, like that”. You never know what will happen. All foreigners are “ayip”, they’re considered dirty.

This European championsip has been more like a film festival than a football tournament. And though there will be a winner come Sunday– either Spain or Germany will take home the proverbial Palme d’Or– there have been daily theatrics in the lead-up, an assortment of small wonders that certainly deserve their own prize. In a just world, where a team is rewarded in proportion to the joy they bring the fans, Turkey would return home as kings. In ours, they will have to settle for UF’s footballing Prix de un Certain Regard, the award for “most innovative and audacious work” of Austria/Switzerland 2008.

Join us after the jump, where we will go on to praise, then bury Turkey.

Turkey did not belong on the field with the Germans on Wednesday night in Basel. They had no business battling back (or so we’ve been told and read in the papers) from a 2-1 deficit in the 86th minute. Certainly, Terim’s men should have never had the opportunity to outplay Germany in the first semifinal match of the European Championship. No, they should have been eliminated long ago.

***

The first brush with death came in their second group stage match with hosts Switzerland. It had been an half-drab tournament to that point. No one had come from behind to win. In most of the early group stage games the only scoring had been done by the winning side.

And so it began, in the 57th minute, in front of 42,000+ at St. Jakob Park. Semih Senturk, the 25 year old Fenerbhache forward, dropped a bolt of lightning on the Swiss– an equalizer just 11 minutes after he first crossed the touchline. It was Semih’s first of the tournament and by miles his least memorable. Arda Turan would poke home the winner in stoppage time, and Turkey were on their way. A loss to Portugal firmly in the past, it was time for the Czechs and a win-or-go-home group finale.

***

Like Turkey, Bruckner’s boys had been mollywhopped by the dazzling Portuguese and given a tough go against Switzerland. They entered the crunch match in Geneva knowing that a tie after 90 minutes would mean penalty kicks. But after 71 minutes, it all seemed an afterthought. A cananading header from the big fella Koller and a 62nd minute add-on from Plasil had certainly assured the Czechs’ place. Turkey were disjointed, bordering on listless as Jan Polak smashed a cross into Volkan’s left post. The Czechs were mere inches from 3-0.

That third goal would never come. Four minutes later Turkey found life as Sabri found Altintop (or “gold ball” as Tommy Smyth reminded us every 2 minutes for the entirety of the match) who found Arda Turan at the back post for the Turk’s first roost of the evening. By now the rain was falling in heaps and the pitch had turned into a slip ‘n’ slide party. The Czechs were reserved and content to allow the likes of The Artist formerly Known as Colin Kazim-Richards to launch off speculative satellite balls from 35 yards out. Kazim was never going to hit the target and if he did, there was always the Cat in the Hat there to snip up loose ends. Into the 87th minute, we lurch forward… Terim is enraged at the shot selection and Nihat is imploring his side to (the Turkish equivalent of) “play your game.”

Nihat knew that nothing was over. That on a wet pitch no keeper was infallible– especially mercenary mug like Cech. So when ESPN camera’s cut to the low angle for Altintop’s whipped-in cross, there had to be doubt that any keeper could gobble it up with ease. Nihat knew it, and so he stayed in as the Czech defender began to pull out. His reward was the silver ball at his foot. A sitter he dragged into the OOS to tie it. It was 2-2, and we were headed for penalties. Surely.

Shurla Burla, indeed, as not more than three minutes later Nihat was in again. This time on a clever through ball from Tuncay– the Czech backline frozen, thinking deeply we imagine about goal number two. He faced up with Cech to the keeper’s right and from just inside the box dipped a precise strike under the crossbar. Turkey, if you could believe it, and there is no fucking way a sane man could, had won. They were going to Vienna for quarterfinal date with group winner Croatia.

***

Slaven Bilic’s men, now the “Heroes of Klagenfurt” for their triumph over Germany just days earlier, were easy favorites to surge past an increasingly beleaguered Turkey. Injury and suspension had meant Fatih Terim would not be with his best lineup. That included goalkeeper Volkan, who would miss this match and a possible semi-final because of some tomfoolery against the Czechs.

All but two of the Turkish starting XI were on yellows as the quarterfinal kicked off. In goal was Recter Rustu, the Ottoman Jens Lehmann. Unlike their previous encounter, Turkey were more careful against the clever Croats. They would dominate possession (56% to 44%), but do little with it. We trudged on to extra-time, then a second 15 minutes.

Rustu, who had been as solid as necessary for 120 + 4 minutes, must have thought it was time for PK’s as he went pranced off his line like a child. Skipping after a ball meant for Modric, he watched as the soon-to-be Spurs genius headed up and over his wandering ass and into the path of super-steady Alzonzo Mourning Klasnic. Quoteth ESPN live commentary: “Croatia have won it!” And, certainly, they had.

***

Shurla Burla? You never know what will happen. It’s kind of like the Turkish version of “Der Ball Ist Rund,” only, like, really dark and sinister. Exactly, we imagine, the kind of thoughts and feelings running through Croatia’s dark heart as just seconds later … with the referee taking one last deep breath of Vienna air… Semih Senturk played down a long, downfield prayer and lashed it across his body into the roof of Pletikosa’s net.

As if there ever was a question, Croatia released its collective bowels after all but one of its PK’s, allowing Turkey– Again!!– an unthinkable escape. Three times now, in consecutive matches, each more shocking than the last, Fatih and the fellas had prevailed against all common sense and wisdom. Their reward? Germany

***

As the loyal UFer might know, your humble reporter decided to attempt a little immersion trick for Wednesday’s semi-final. I had hoped to liveblog the game from a nearby Turkish restaurant, but as the wireless revolution has yet to sweep into “Sahara’s” on 2nd Avenue, alternative plans were engaged. The festivities were hosted by ü75, while I hustled for a table at lovely, open-air Sahara’s, intent on doing some correspondent work.

The afternoon began as a Julie Foudy’s face-style mess. The bar was closed down to make room for more tables– more reserved tables. I was escorted, the palest man in the room, they “ayip,” to a wraparound couch planted just precisely behind Sahara’s monster flat screen HDTV. My next mistakes– the first one being my implicit Jewyness– were in ordering a Corona (idiot…) and offering my credit card (Teutonic surname stenciled in) to begin a tab. There was only one way out and so I flagged down the waiter and said the magic words.

“Doner Kebab… the ENTREE.”

From here on out things were different. Within a minute the game had begun and I was sharing a table with a very Turkish man who knew very little English. His only words to me or anyone in the place were “In to Semih.” Sage.

With UEFA’s new policy of clearing the yellow card tally only after the quarterfinal, Turkey never had a chance. Volkan, Emre, Turcay, and Turan were all suspended. Nihat, a hero at St. Jakob Park a few days earlier, was out with a thigh injury. He wasn’t alone.

No one in Sahara’s was ready to talk about reasons why not, and if they were, I surely wouldn’t have known a thing about it. The only (loud) English-speaking gentleman was seated a table over from me and I think he was partial to the Germans. I deduced this when he clapped and ran out after the game.

As for the Turkish partisans, they began with tempered glance. Calm. I was focused on the delicious doner kebab. Worth the 14 bucks, really, check it out some time.

Expectations being what they were, Kazim’s rocket off the crossbar in the 13th minute set the place ablaze. The international odor of “Hey, we can beat these fuckers” was released into the room. The idle chatter finished. All were at attention. Entire families, grandmother and all, turned their seats toward the screens.

So it goes, so it goes. A half-volley off the foot of TAFKACKR hit the crossbar again before falling to Ugor Boral (who?!?), who slipped the ball through Lehmann’s legs. Cue Mayhem. And a free beer, another Corona, for the Lad.

“Just shoot on that scum fucker!,” I yelled at no one in particular. My companion nodded. He understood!

It was then, as the free drinks began circulating and the one woman younger than 50, a hostess I believe, started to do some absurd hip-wagging dance (which I’ve since saved to the hard drive), that it occurred to me. Turkey win and they are going to burn this fucker down! And if Turkey lose? They are going to burn this fucker down!

By halftime the mood has soured, but only a bit. Germany equalized through Schweinsteiger minutes after Boral’s goal. It was a goal that is never scored if Turkey has a proper central defense in place. Still, a draw at the half, and the run of play clearly favoring the ‘dogs… there was nothing to complain over.

Cue now the 25-man smoke break.

Cue then the German infiltrator’s explanation of Turkish football: “The Turks you know were allies to the Germans in World War I. And in one famous battle the German general ordered the Ottoman cavalry to await his order on the flanks. ‘We’ll rough them up he told the Turks, then you come in and clean the ground.’ The Turks agreed but when the battle began the horses charged immediately. The Germans were shocked but fought on and won a decided, bloooody victory. After the field was cleared, the German commander approached his Turkish counterpart and asked, ‘Why didn’t you wait for my whistle?’ The Turk came off his horse and explained, simply, ‘There is no pride in waiting, only in winning.’ So attack attack attack! That is Turkish football!”

I’ve paraphrased there. The gentleman offered me a “raki,” a kind of Turkish ouzo, before beginning his story. By the time he’d finished I was enthralled. Perhaps even dribbling at the mouth. The waiter leaned to me and explained that, for my next glass, consider mixing in some water and ice. No one drinks that shit straight. Oops.

The second half was a mess. Better to be forgotten. The international feed was stricken by a bolt of lightning. In Sahara’s, loss of the picture was met with relief, not anger. Who could stand it?? By what I imagined to be the hour mark the first in-house cigarette was lit. Not more than ten minutes later, still without visual evidence, we were informed the Germans had gone up by a Klose header. A Rustu howler, too. I don’t think the point was made clear enough for our crew, as no one screamed or responded in any exacting way.

More black. More Foudy.

It has to be the 80th minute.

“Another Raki! These things are great!”

This Ayip was chilling now. Even as time was running down on Turkey on that blackened screen there was calm. And you know what? Do you fucking know what?!? The screen flashed back on with the image of Semih “in to Semih!” Senturk in his teammates’ arms. The bastard had tied it. Again.

Glass breaking. Man kisses– my head and the top of my right ear too slow to escape. More Raki! They’ve done it again. My tablemate is now pacing, looping around our table. Turning left, like a good Turk!

There was a song now. Screaming. Hummus.

***

I refer you here to my pal ü75’s topline to his liveblog:

Soccer is a game for 22 people that run around, play the ball, and one referee who makes a slew of mistakes, and in the end Germany always wins.

Gary Lineker’s word, of course. And on this night, like so many other, prophetic indeed. The squirrely left back did it.

Turkey were done. They had lost. But tell me, looking back on this tournament 20 years hence, what will it be that you tell the young folk about?

Joachim Low’s sweat stains? Ok, maybe.

Philip Lahm? No, sir.

What you’ll tell them about is Turkey and their holy trinity of football miracles. About Fatih Terim and how much of dirty pimp-ass managerial job he did. And Rustu in the shootout against Croatia. And Semih!

In to Semih!

Euro Eulogy: Portugal

Note: I would have been posting earlier today, but I only just finished masturba-I mean, working, after seeing Fowler and Macca playing on the same pitch again for the first time in ages

Well, Cristiano. You were knocked out of the tournament days ago, and it’s still hilarious to me. You and your gelled, flamboyant collective of footballing talent couldn’t get it done against the efficient Germans.

Might this be a good moment to talk about your move to Spain now?

Portugal were enjoyable to watch, for the most part. Some of the showboating late in the game against Turkey was a bit much, but then again, that’s the role Portugal plays in tournaments. You’re the older brother of the family, the guy who knows he’s good and lets his charm ruin him at the most inopportune time.

You ever try to date two or more girls at the same time? For the first month or so, everything is going swimmingly well; you have seen them all a couple of times and managed to explain away your disappearances to each of them when you’ve been seeing one of the others on the side. And then, you take one to dinner, and the others show up separately for a bite to eat at the same restaurant, and you end up walking home covered in soup, spittle, and with a couple of buttons missing from your shirt.

That, my friends, is Portugal. Blessed beyond God’s will with talent at all positions, they are apt to a brainfart when it counts the most.

Deco was masterful at times, and downright ordinary in others. C-Ron seems to think that his natural gift and avalanche of accolades is enough to win matches, but it’s really not. Even when the Dallas Cowboys were ridiculously loaded with talent in the 90s, they still lost from time to time. Remember this.

Boswinga is off to Chelsea, as is the now-finished manager, Big Phil. How many others will follow them? Could we see the Algarve transplanted to Stamford Bridge? Heck, he’s already got 3/4 of the backline, what’s another 2 or 3 matter? Deco’s been linked, as has the pacy but greedy Quaresma.

Drogba’s going to need to learn how to say “fuck you” in yet another language if this carnival keeps up!

In all seriousness, it’s hard for any of us to say that we didn’t see this coming. The quintessential counter-attack team, like many within pissing distance of the Mediterranean; they’re a nightmare moving forward, but an embarrassment at the back. It’s fun to watch when the scenario keeps repeating itself: C-Ron, Carvalho and co losing in the knockout stages to a far more disciplined team. Sure, Portugal got back into it as the clock ticked down, and Germany looked rather rattled, but it amounted to little.

You have to wonder when Portugal will learn. Could they pull a Russia and bring in the ultimate ball-breaker tactician to finally get them over the hump? Charisma is clearly not something needed in management there, as the players have more than enough to go around.

No, the only way for them to move forward is to strip their coaching candidates of a sense of humor, and pick the most miserable, irritable one. It’s the only hope they’ve got: in a team full of petulant children, who’s going to enforce the law?

There’s only really one option: Avram Grant.

Seriously though… C-Ron might well pack a bag for the Costa del Sol and spend his seasons in the Bernabeu, but constant failure at the international level is never something that sits well.

And if a real ornery bastard isn’t given the job, well, we know where to bet our money when South Africa ‘10 rolls around.

Open Thread: Spain v. Russia

[Photo: MediaFax Photo]

So, it appears we may have not coordinated everything properly here at UF and we are without a liveblogger for the second semifinal match between Russia and Spain. We’ll give it a go with the open thread.

Russia has been certainly ascendant in this tournament. It was hard not to be after the opening match 4-1 thrashing it received from Spain. But, that was before Andrei Arshavin reappeared on the stage. Since he returned Russia has looked very dangerous and Guus Hiddink has his men attacking, attacking, attacking. Very exciting football.

Spain on the other hand started out the tourney in sterling fashion, but seems to have cooled a bit. Although, it still has not lost a match, advancing to this stage with a PK shootout victory over a negative Italian team.

Hopefully, this match can live up to the excitement of yesterday’s…and maybe, just maybe…a Russian player will get a couple of women for his efforts.

After the jump, the lineups.

Russia
Akinfeyev, Anyukov, Berezutsky, Ignashevich, Zhirkov, Zyryanov, Semak, Semshov, Saenko, Arshavin and Pavlyuchenko.

Spain

Casillas, Ramos, Puyol, Marchena, Capdevila, Senna, Iniesta, Xavi, Silva, Villa and Torres

Spain is wearing their unlucky yellows.

30 minutes in, we have a nice back and forth match. A Fabergas substitution allows me to stroke myself in Glee. Nice cross to…the Keeper.

40:45 Long runs by the Russians, but the Torres/Fabergas hookups are coming fast and free.

46 min: We’re wrapping up with Xavi’s free kick getting lost, my accountant walking into my office every 3 minutes, and I’m missing the action.

So far Arshavin has played “meh” but the style of play on both sides has been great. There is no Italy grind ‘em out match.

Euro 2008 Liveblog: Germany v. Turkey

Soccer is a game for 22 people that run around, play the ball, and one referee who makes a slew of mistakes, and in the end Germany always wins. – Gary Lineker

That’s it, I surrender. There is no way my new-favorite team (Euros only) comes back from this one. Word is that Turkey will have about 14 available players for this one, with one of the subs being the third-choice keeper. There is absolutely no way they play their way past the Germans, is there?

It’s still 11-on-11 on the pitch, no matter what kind of superiority in numbers the German bench has. There is an outside chance, however slight, that Turkey can do this. It is up to me today, UF’s least-disciplined liveblogger, to bring this one to you today. Join me as I dissect what will surely be a 5-0 German win

Lineups:
Germany (4-5-1): Lehmann; Friedrich, Mertesacker, Lahm, Rolfes, Metzelder; Schweinsteiger, Ballack, Hitzlsperger, Podolski; Klose. Screw you, ESPN
Turkey (4-5-1): Rustu, Balta, Gokhan Zan, Sabri, Boral; Topal, Aurelio, Altintop, Kazim, Akman; Senturk.

So, Podolski starts up top, and presumably Gomez is banished to the Black Forest. While you are waiting for the match to start, go check out some Germany highlights in Lego form Here and Here.

note: The Likely Lad, who had hoped to live blog this game from a Turkish restaurant, will still be at said restaurant. He’ll be sending us updates on his fancy phone, some of which we will pass on to you.

note mark II: For those who need your weekly Good, Bad, WTF fix, that will be going up at 6.00. Just hold out, it’s worth it.

-10 .00 ESPN is on. Foudy is foudying it up. Schweinsteiger is Art Alexakis, to continue with my “Looks like a guy who got played on MTV in the ’90s” analogies.

-7.00 It looks like The Likely Lad is not one you should rob. He just confessed to living in NYC without a Blackberry.

-4.00 Get ready for the anthems. Will Kazim Kazim sing?

-3.00 I’ll admit, I’m openly rooting for a Lehmann mistake or two to send Turkey through. Can they naturalize David Healy for this match?

That sucks, Chad. But welcome anyway. I’ll try to be faster than ESPN 360.

-1.00 Uh oh, Lehmann looks short in this lineup. You can’t teach height, as we found out from Koller in my last liveblog.

Rustu!, Ballack! Speak English, fuckers!

0.00 Kick Off! Let’s go! Turkey actually have 7 subs on the bench. We’ll see if more than two get off of it.

2.00 The field in Basel still doesn’t look any better. Germany content to possess early and make Turkey run.

3.00 I wonder if Loew will have significant pit stains like last game in the stands. And does he have all of his shirts hemmed like that, or what?

5.00 I wouldn’t want to run into Terim at a shady NYC Turkish restaurant, I’ll tell you that.

6.00 Turkey get a couple of crosses in, but come to nothing.

7.00 Kazim gets a shot off, right at Lehmann. Turkey are pushing forward when they get the ball. Probably trying to steal an early goal and then sit back.

Lehmann forced into another save when Lahm blows it.

9.00 TLL update:
Been here 5 minutes and have already gotten in trouble. Started a
tab. with my credit card. with my name… my last name which means
WAR in German. They tried to seat me behind the TV . Only got out by
ordering $14 doner entree

11.00 Germany are definitely sitting back early and not trying to push and pull a depleted Turk squad. Odd.

12.00 Another Turkish foray up front. They’ll be dead by 60 minutes at this pace.

13.00 Dear Germany, playing balls in the air to a lone, unsupported striker 40 yards out won’t win you anything.

And Kazim off the crossbar! Follow-up shot goes a yard wide for a corner. This team is going all out, as alluded to in the comment section. Corner goes for nothing.

15.00 Turkey are getting in behind the German defense. Looks good, so far for the Turks.

16.00 Klose writhes in pain after attempted tackle misses him. Free kick straight to Rustu.

17.00 Schweinie dives, no call. Germany still on attack. Cleared out for corner.

18.00 Ballack could not push his way to the corner, cleared by Rustu.

19.00 As I clarified up top, both teams are running a 4-5-1. We hate the 4-5-1 at UF.

20.00 TLL is predicting a riot if Turkey do win.

22.00 Goal! Turkey go on top after a cross from the right is directed off the crossbar. The rebound falls to Boral who puts it through Lehmann’s legs 1-0 Turkey

23.00 That’s Boral’s first international goal.

24.00 Well, they have their goal. Do Turkey sit back, or do they attack some more? Germany look disinterested in playing at all.

25.00 Aurelio does not get enough of his head on a corner to bother the Germans. The game is still in the German defensive third for the most part.

26.00 Goal! Scheinie latches onto a Rolled Podolski cross from the right. Touches it into the upper back corner 1-1

27.00 Totally against the run of play there. Can’t fault the soft finish. It was very nice. Rustu in no position to do anything.

28.00 Two rather old keepers here. Will that be a factor in the end? Neither looked good on the goals, but then keepers rarely look good when giving up goals.

29.00 Easy header collected by Jens. Another close call on the other end. Corner for Germany.

31.00 TLL in the middle of a chaotic scene. Someone bought him a beer after the first goal. We’ll see if he is still alive after the equalizer.

31.00 There it was, almost the quintessential Jens gaffe. He went out for a free kick that almost floated over his head into the goal. Corner kick cleared by Germany for another corner. Turks maintain possession.

33.00 TLL, still alive, informs us that the Turks hate Tommy Smyth, too.

34.00 Podolski gets free on the right, gets into the box, and blows it over the bar by two feet.

35.00 Jens has had to make 5 saves so far. Should’ve had 6.

36.00 Hey! I can watch MLS on this very same channel! At least the NBA is over.

38.00 Free kick Turkey right outside the box. Lahm tried to kick Kazim in the face. He missed, but still. Wall is set. Time being wasted. Kick taken as a near post shot, goes to the middle of the goal, Jens punch save.

39.00 Blood on Rolfes after he headed Akman in the back of the head. Both are off for treatment and stitches.

41.00 Game has opened up 10-on-10. Both sides push for shots. Turkey almost through on goal. Serioglu just over from 22.

42.00 Turkey look to have tired a bit.

44.00 Frings may have to come on for Rolfes. They haven’t stopped his bleeding yet.

And Rolfes is back on, never mind.

45.00 +1 Tweet Tweet I am surprised by the lack of German passion. They are not really robots, are they? Also surprising–this rather undisciplined Turk squad have no first-half cards.

Back after the break, but before I go another TLL update:
Overheard of guy talking about Turkish football, “There is no pride in waiting, only in winning.” That guy did not watch the first half of the Czech-Turk game, then.

TLL: 25 man smoke break at the restaurant.
Foudy: “Turkey is playing like they have nothing to lose” Both teams can go home here sweetie. It’s not like Germany can make the final after a loss.

45.01 Here we go. Alright, I’m sick of coffee and too wired. Maybe Germany’s play can bring me back down.

Frings on for Rolfes.

46.00 Podolski rampaging down the right, and crosses 20 yards past anyone.

47.00 Why did Demirel get a two-game ban and Schweinie only get one, anyway?

49.00 Lahm gets lucky not to get a yellow as he pulls back on a Turkish player who was past him.

50.00 TLL is still alive. He’s at a table with a guy who speaks no English. They seem to agree that Lehmann is piss, though.

51.00 Lahm bundled over in the box. It looked bad, but no penalty.

52.00 RK5 = +1

52.00 Lahm definitely fouled. Probably outside the box, though. Ah, the benefits of replay to second-guess the ref.

52.00 TFA- thanks for the answer

53.00 Yellow Card Senturk for foul on Frings (?) I didn’t see it, I was too busy laughing at RK5, still.

55.00 Germany is getting into the attack in the second half. Turkey may have done all they can do. Also, Turkey look to have gone to a 4-4-2.

Hitzlsperger over from 25.

56.00 Metzeleder down. Not touched on the sliding tackle. Still has a kick-ass playoff beard.

57.00 Altintop takes down Ballack dead center 28 yards out.

57.00 Ballack into the bottom of the wall. Black out!

58.00 This is in no way going to help my ESPN argument. Georger, you win!

59.00 I’ll steal from soccernet if I can.

60.00 Tech problems in Switzerland (lightning), other networks have the same problem.

60?.00 Altintop over from distance on a free kick.

Okay, it seems to be affecting the Beeb as well. No picture making it out of the country, I’m afraid. Turkey had another off-target shot from 20 yards.

ESPN sez radio guy sez Turkey is toying with Germany. AND WE’RE BACK

66.00 And nothing of note.

67.00 Lahm easily beaten by Serioglu, but his cross goes to no one.

68.00 Sixth Turkish corner, only two for the Germans. Headed from the near post to the top of the box. Nada here, I’m afraid.

69.00 Are we really going to extra time again? Neither team incisive over the last seven or so minutes. Kazim appeals for foul, doesn’t get it.

70.00 Lahm looks to be the weak spot for Germany’s defense. Look for Turk attacks exclusively down the right in the last 20 minutes.

72.00 Jens content to waste time with free kick from offside call.

72.00 Of course, Turkey attack from the left and get a good look, but right at Jens. Hitzlsperger just wide from 30 or so the other way.

73.00 Yes, Tuncay’s absence is felt by us all, I think.

75.00 *yawn*

76.00 Did they switch these teams for Italy-Spain in the blackout?

77.00 Bye Bye feed. Just as well.

TLL: First in-house cigarette is lit. the only thing my pal here says when
Turkey has the ball is, “In to Semih.” Also the only englis hes
spoken… broken glass!! getting edgy in here. but im 3 rakis in,
feeling brave.

Germany miss from in close. Did Gomez get in?

78.00 Goal Klose. It was awesome. I wish you could have seen it.

At least ESPN has the fan zones to show.

Apparently Rustu blew it, maybe even Cech-style, on a cross.

Soccernet guy says he has feed again. Why don’t we have ours?

Erding on for Akman.

Correction–BBC has pictures. Fuckers.

TEASE!

Turkey seem to be on a steady attack, but nothing in the net yet. Of course, stoppage time is still a little but away.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL 2-2 Serioglu
Both keepers now at fault. Lehmann beaten softly near post. Rustu way misjudged a cross and had the ball headed in front of him.

88.00 It’s Turkey time now, bitches. 2 minutes from injury time.

89.00 Senturk tries a ridiculous shot one minute before he should have.

90.00 Goal Lahm goes near post. There’s still time!

Fed in by Hizlsperger. No picture.

Rustu sucks balls. Five German shots on goal, three goals.

Time must be up by now. Two injury minutes on the clock.

Game over. Fuck the swiss TV people. Turkey had a free kick from 30 yards out at the end, but Metin put it over.

3-2 Germany Final
Turkey had 22 shots (15 on goal); Germany 9 (5)
Possession 63%-37%
Finally, the top quote I put up there has a bunch of resonance, doesn’t it?

Euro Eulogy: Croatia

When I did my preview for Croatia, I didn’t really think that they had much of a chance after losing Eduardo, despite hyping their darkhorse status. Sometimes I write the opposite of what I think, which is probably a holdover from my dayjob. But Croatia lived up to the hype, upsetting the Germans, and then coming within 15 seconds of making it to the semifinals. Why Slaven is a fucking rockstar, after the jump.

There’s not much to say about Croatia on the football side of things. They beat the Germans, generally played inventive, attacking football, and were ultimately undone by a miracle shot at the end of the quarterfinals. Then again, some would say that they deserve their fate after being unable to break down the depleted Turks in normal time. Surely there was some convoluted Balkan grudge going back to the 1300s they could have drawn on, right?

The loss to the Turks didn’t just hurt the team, either. A Croatian newspaper enlisted the help of a psychiatrist to help its readers out. The advice:

“The country must look to the future,” advised Vlastelica.

“The supporters must think of September when the 2010 World Cup qualifiers begin.

“From now till then it is vital that you don’t disrupt your daily routine, do not stop working and above all do not take tranquilizers.”

Bilic himself apparently wanted to quit coaching and go fishing, but apparently he has decided to stay on with the national team through the 2010 World Cup.After all, he can pretty much play any rock club in Zagreb after what went down over the past several weeks. There are probably several chairman in the Premier League who would be willing to allow dodgy earrings and chainsmoking on the touchline. Bilic can probably name his price and get at a job at a medium-big club. The fact that he’s staying means we are going to be treated to more amusing press conferences involving Bilic and the English press, as Croatia are drawn in England’s qualifying group. In fact, I’m laying odds that Slaven ends up coaching the Three Lions at some point in his career.

In terms of players, Luca Modric gave us glimpses of why he is going to be a huge bust at Shit Heart Lane. He’s just too small for the Premiership, and he’s going to get kicked to pieces. Although his choke in penalties means he is going to fit in quite nicely with Spurs. Verlan Corluka looked good at right back, and should have that position locked down for Citeh come August. Ivan Klasnic, who had a kidney transplant, is on his way from Werder Bremen to Wigan, and Olic Pranjic, and Petric will all be on clubs’ radar screens.

The whole team now must deal with the burden of expectations going into the next World Cup. Expectations can be brutal, as the French showed in this tournament.

Euro Pick’em Recap

The Quarterfinals are well done, and the Semis are a little later today. It must be killing you to know just who is the best at our pick’em so far. Fret on it no more, the answers are here.

While we never fully trust online personas, I think it is safe to say that the Simpson entry is legitimately by one Tim Simpson. Not that we know who that is, mind. Anyway, he was a co-leader after the first round matches with 15 correct, and added another 2 out of 4 in the quarters for an additional 6 points. 21 points in all for Mr. Simpson

Those following Simpson in a four-way tie for second are Miller, shawn wrong-phillips, Ballack’s Bollocks, and Smeets. All sit on 19 points. The entry for shawn wrong-phillips must be commended for being one of two players to get three of four matches correct in the quarters. The other? Me.

That’s correct, Joey Barton’s Cellmate also correctly called three out of the four matches in the second round (Fuck you Germany). In so doing, I have moved to the top of the unofficial UF writers race with 17 points. To protect the vanity of the others, I will not mention the other places at this time, though I will point out that there is one of us who is in the single digits. He claims to have “forgotten” about the pick’em, but I don’t believe him.

Question of the day

Celebration! Sad none of us are playing today

Turkey arrived at Euro 2008 as longshots to escape the group stage. They got whacked by Ronnie and the Dancing Poofters in their first outing, then went down a goal in the first half of their second match, against host Switzerland. But late goals from Semih and Arda Turan earned them their first win and well, thus began the madness.

Here then is the question. Just how improbable is a Turkey win against the Hun this afternoon? Sport is full of surprises–the ‘69 Mets, Joe Namath’s Jets, Villanova in ‘85, Fresno State baseball and NY Giants football this year– but this is surely a doner rack too far.

So again: Where would a Turkish triumph in Basel today rank on the list of modern sporting upsets?

Have away.

More reasons why Terim’s boys have absolutely no chance of winning after the jump…

In short:

-Coach Fatih Terim has only 12 outfield players available for today’s game. There’ve been whispers (likely untrue) about his using the third-string keeper in the midfield.

-Germany are really good. And they are Germany (lest we forget.)

-Nihat (tying and winning goals against the Czechs) is done for the tournament with a muscle inury. Servet Cetin and skipper Emre Belozoglu are out today, as is Tumer Metin (though the coach says he could potentially come on as a sub for “30 minutes at most.”)

-Tuncay of Middlesbrough, arguably their best all-around player in the tournament, the guy who strapped on the keeper gear when Volkan got booted from the group finale, is out with accumulated yellow cards. Arda Turan, Volkan and Emre Asik also will miss out on suspensions.

-They’ll be depending on the likes of The Artist Formerly Known as Colin Kazim-Richards to (help) fuel their attack. And if you saw the look on Nihat’s face as Kazim shanked two long-range prayers as time ran down against the Czechs, you know this is a significant problem.

-Then there’s backup keeper Recber Rustu. Like his counterpart today, Recter is prone to the occasional howler. That may fly against Croatia. But this ain’t Croatia. Turkey need to play “the perfect game.”

So the odds are against them. No doubt. Just as they were in each of the previous three games. And in each match they’ve upped their resolve… and pulled a larger rabbit out of their collective tarpus.

Today, that rabbit might look more like a bear.