UEFA Cup’s final Final Open Thread

European Silverware day! While not as glamorous as nest week’s Champions League Final between Manchester United and Barcelona, this is guaranteed to be a historic finale. Yes, friends, today we see the last UEFA Cup Final ever. Germany’s Werder Bremen and Ukraine’s Shakhtar Donetsk will put it all on the line to see which team becomes the historical footnote/trivia answer. Or not. That’s the beauty of the game. You can never tell how it will be played until the match is in motion.

Shakhtar and Bremen both benefited from entering the competition at the knockout stage after being dumped from Champions League play. That’s not a bad parachute to have if you can ride it to the final. Inside, we’ll hit on lineups and both teams road through the competition. In case that’s not enough for you, you can go look back at Werder’s entry into The Good, The Bad, The WTF, and know that Shakhtar will get added in after the match. Will they be secondary champions of Europe at the time? Hell for all I know, it will still be in PKs when that post goes live.

Shakhtar Donetsk

Round of 32: Tottenham Hotspur 3-1
Round of 16: CSKA Moscow 2-1
Quarterfinals: Olympique Marseille 4-1
Semifinals: Dynamo Kyiv 3-2

Today’s lineup:
Pyatov, Kucher, Fernandinho, Jadson, Ilsinho, Luiz Adriano, Lewandowksi, William, Rat, Chygrynskiy, Srna.
Subs: Khudzhamov, Duljaj, Gai, Gladkiy, Ischenko, Chyzhov, Moreno.

Werder Bremen

Round of 32: AC Milan 3-3 (away goals)
Round of 16: Saint Etienne 3-2
Quarterfinals: Udinese 6-4
Semifinals: Hamburg 3-3 (away goals)

Today’s lineup:
Wiese, Boenisch, Naldo, Baumann, Fritz, Rosenberg, Ozil, Prodl, Frings, Pizarro, Niemeyer.
Subs: Vander, Pasanen, Tosic, Vranjes, Hunt, Tziolis, Harnik.

No away goals to save the Germans tonight. Let’s hope for lots of action and just a few goals, shall we?

UEFA Cup Open Thread

Or, phrased more honestly: “Does anyone care about the UEFA Cup? Here’s an open thread to say yes or no.”

Frivolity and Citeh lineup after the jump.

History buffs will be unsurprised to learn that one of the two remaining French teams has already capitulated, as PSG were stomped 3-0 by Dynamo Kyiv. Le ouch.

Citeh just kicked-off, with a 2-goal deficit to dig themselves out of. LFC showed it can be done, although let’s just end comparisons between Liverpool and Citeh there, shall we?

Citeh v. Hamburg (1-3 agg)
Citeh: Given Richards, Onuoha, and Dunne in the lineup, it’s safe to say they have no possible Bridge to the semi-finals. Zabaleta and Kompany might have something to say about it, but they’re as smooth in attack as the Republic of Ireland are in World Cup qualifiers. Elano, Robinho, Caicedo = I came, I dribbled, I fired wide.

Subs: Hart, Garrido, Petrov, Fernandes, Evans, Sturridge, Logan.

Hamburg: Rost, Boateng, Gravgaard, Mathijsen, Jansen, Pitroipa, Jarolim, Aogo, Trochowski, Guerrero, Olic.

Subs: Hesl, Da Silva, Petric, Ndjeng, Rincon, Schulz, Torun.

No such mirth possible there.

Other games:
Marseille 0-0 Shakhtar Donetsk
Udinese 0-0 Werder Bremen

BIG SHINY UPDATE FROM THE BREAKING NEWS DEPARTMENT:
Hamburg just scored — think one German lad passed it to another before the ball was nudged into goal past the shadow-that-once-was-Shay-Given. Let’s just ignore this competition and pretend it never happened, shall we?

(5 minutes later)

But wait! Citeh have a penalty! And they score it, via Elano! 1-1 on the night, and only 2 more goals to go. As you were, gentlemen. If Hamburg score again, you can forget it.

Doesn’t A European Superleague Sound Fun?

Michel loves to see his name everywhere.

So, some draw happened this morning

Well folks, the results are in.

I can’t wait to see how wrong everyone was once we’ve finished counting.

In the meantime, I bring you the full CL draw, the UEFA Cup draw (like anyone not named The Likely Lad or Keith gives a toss), and some half-assed predictions.

Whether you won our competition or not, you can’t say that the draw gave us many lame fixtures.

Without further ado, who got gifted and who got screwed? These are the games to have pundits salivating in their armchairs until February.

Champions League draw, Round of 16
Spartak London vs. Juventus
Villarreal vs. Panathinaikos
Sporting Lisbon vs. Bayern Munich
Atletico Madrid vs. FC Porto
Lyon vs. Barcelona
Real Madrid vs. Liverpool
Arsenal vs. Roma
Inter Milan vs. Manchester United

First up, the red-faced Scot draws his nemesis in Jose Mourinho. Easily the pick of the round, although I still reckon the Mancs will sneak on. Either way, the trash-talk will be sublime. Spartak get their former manager Claudio Ranieri in his new Turin digs and should advance, and Arsenal get the gift of AS Roma, perhaps the 2nd best draw they could have hoped for overall.

The last remaining French team is guaranteed to exit in this round thanks to pulling out Barca, which makes you wonder if they’re kicking themselves at rolling over to Bayern in the meaningless final group game. Bayern trounced them, and their reward? Some Portuguese patsies.

Rafa gets two Ramos, a Raul and a tw*t in Ramon Calderon. I expect a 1-0 aggregate win for my lads, as is our custom in this competition.

Elsewhere, I see Villareal, Atletico and Bayern advancing, hopefully joining all 4 English clubs (barring some epic failures; Serie A and EPL normally ends up in favour of the English*, although Juve has the best chance of advancing, I reckon) and Barcelona in the quarter-finals.

I suppose I should mention the UEFA Cup too:

UEFA Cup, Last 32:
Paris Saint-Germain v Wolfsburg
FC Copenhagen v MANCHESTER CITY
NEC Nijmegen v Hamburg
Sampdoria v Metalist Kharkiv
Braga v Standard Liege
ASTON VILLA v CSKA Moscow
Lech Poznan v Udinese
Olympiakos v Saint-Etienne
Fiorentina v Ajax
Aalborg v Deportivo La Coruna
Werder Bremen v AC Milan
Bordeaux v Galatasaray
Dynamo Kiev v Valencia
Zenit St. Petersburg v Stuttgart
Marseille v FC Twente
Shakhtar Donetsk v TOTTENHAM

UEFA Cup, Last 16:
Werder Bremen or AC Milan v Olympiakos or Saint-Etienne
ASTON VILLA or CSKA Moscow v Shakhtar Donetsk or TOTTENHAM
Lech Poznan or Udinese v Zenit St Petersburg or Stuttgart
Paris Saint-Germain or Wolfsburg v Braga or Standard Liege
Dynamo Kiev or Valencia v Sampdoria or Metalist Kharkiv
Copenhagen or MANCHESTER CITY v Aalborg or Deportivo
Marseille or FC Twente v Fiorentina or Ajax
NEC Nijmegen or Hamburg v Bordeaux or Galatasaray

They do two draws at once, compounding their lameness, and the draw is kind for Mark Hughes. That said, they are good at losing when you expect them not to. The big story is that Villa and Spurs could meet in the next round should they both advance past tricky opposition. I couldn’t care less. Best of luck to all involved. My money’s on Valencia to win it all.

So, thoughts? Predictions? We’ll have a competition winner later today.

*In recent years, the Serie A hasn’t done too well against the EPL. Remember 2005, Meeelan? Seriously though, side thought: how about a pre-season tournament kinda like the College Basketball Big 10/ACC Challenge, only for Serie A and EPL to duke it out. I’d watch that from beginning to end. Or a “La Liga/EPL Challenge.” Would be sweet, right?

A speedy UEFA Cup Round-up

“Yep, remember when we could have won this Cup but played the dullest football known to mankind in the final? Ahh, good times…”

Well, it’s the middle of the week and nothing else is happening in the world of soccer, so it’s the perfect time for the Little Euro Cup to peek its ugly head out.

So, how did everyone get on today?

Portsmouth 3, Heerenveen 0
Solid performance from the newly Diarra-less Pompey, including a brace from Peter Crouch, who no doubt celebrated with some delicious nachos. The Eredivisie side aren’t up to much, but Pompey came in this evening knowing they were already eliminated from the competition, so the lack of pressure brought out their flair. Good thing they’re not advancing considering all the players they’ll lose in January.

AC Milan 2, Wolfsburg 2
The Rossonieri sure do love their score draws! At least this time round, they led in the match instead of waiting until the last 10 minutes to score twice (like they did at Fratton Park).

Hamburg 3, Aston Villa 1
O’Neill’s men were manhandled, but what does it matter? They had safe passage wrapped up weeks ago. A late scrappy goal for young’un Nathan Delfouneso (seriously, if Villa has any more speedy young wingers/forward, they should declare them at Customs) wasn’t enough to counter Ivica Olic’s double and Mladen Petric’s volley.

Ajax 2, Sparta Prague 2
Look, last minute penalty equalizers! The Dutch left it late but were through anyway.

St. Etienne 2, Valencia 2
Hey look, Fernando Morientes scored. Remember that guy at Anfield? Yeah, perhaps best not to.

Club Brugge 0, FC Copenhagen 1
Why am I still recapping?

Deportivo La Coruna 1, Nancy 0
Ha, Nancy. Of course the Gallic pansies went down limply.

Feyenoord 0, Lech Poznan 1
Goal! Ivan Djurdjevic must have a foot like a traction engine. The cagey win puts the Poles into the next round.

Soccer 1, Graphic Design 0

It was touched on in the inaugural Own Goals post, but if you missed it, here it is again: behold the logo for the 2009 UEFA Cup Final!

Wolfsburg vs. Udinese never looked so exotic.

I get the connections to the Ottoman Empire, and of course the Byzantines, and the entire visual image (as modeled by Roberto Carlos below) very much reflects the geography of Istanbul. It’s the latest move by UEFA to give its Little Cup its own identity over the last few years, as they’ve tried to create a logo and style for each final since about 2003.

This one falls short of the mark once again, as noted by UF staff:

Precious Roy: Apparently the entire graphic design industry of Istanbul is still tethered to the Commodore 64.

Spectator: ROFL. I’ve seen better design at Foxwoods Casino!

Of course, they’re not all this flashy.


Manchester’s final took a painting approach as opposed to the precise-ness of CAD and Photoshop. The finished product is as messy as the metropolis itself, and I was disappointed that the Gallaghers weren’t depicted, preferably hanging from one of the stadium’s external beams.

For 2007, the bulk of their design budget was clearly spent on cans of Tennent’s Super, because the final design looks rather last-minute? “Oh shit lad, we’ve got our deadline in 3 hours! Slap the regular logo on the left and we’ll fudge together some Celtic-looking typeface with dots and lines everywhere. Brilliant! Now back to this videotape of Archie Gemmill…”

The only other one I could find was from 2002, and it shows. A giant, out-of-proportion ball half-floats in amazingly clear water (if you’ve been to Holland and particularly to Rotterdam, you know their North Sea run-off isn’t nearly so spotless and clean) underneath a bridge made of gold. As generic as it gets, unless the final is being played somewhere that’s landlocked.

Anyone have any other shocking logos to share? The ACN and the World Cup have had some pretty dreadful ones. Really though, the 2002 UEFA Cup Final must be considered the current bottom of the barrel.

UEFA Cup Open Thread – Updated

[Ed. Note: I'm still in a daze over Beckham joining Milan after Christmas, so forgive the light, well, non-existent posting this morning. Thoughts on that at some point.]

See, I told you there’d be barely any goals in the CL yesterday. Tuesday stole them all, dammit!

Considering we have Villa and Spurs fans reading along, today is their day. All the big clubs are tucked up in bed after their big, important European adventures, and today, it’s the kids’ turn in Little Cup. To which exotic destinations will these brave clubs travel? What languages might they need to speak? Will we have heard of any of the teams they’re playing?

(I could keep going, but I won’t)

In light of David Bentley’s “bit shit” comments last night, which surely served as the perfect digestif to Juande’s long lunch spent staring into the abyss and drooling, we will have some fun watching just how Spurs manage to corral their flabby, directionless collective into a coherent 90 minutes in Italy. Or maybe Ramos will just use the opportunity to check out Serie A “wanted” ads.

After the jumps, lineups, fun, and your colourful comments. It’s a good day to be alive.
Udinese v. Spurs
-
Udinese: Handanovic, Motta, Coda, Domizzi, Lukovic, Inler, D’Agostino, Isla, Sanchez, Quagliarella, Di Natale.

Subs: Koprivec, Sala, Ferronetti, Pasquale, Obodo, Pepe, Floro Flores.

The Serie A club known as the “Little Zebras” are at virtually full-strength, anchored by an alarming number of Chileans. Alexis Sanchez and Mauricio Isla anchor the midfield, and the strike partnership of Italian National side fringe players Antonio Di Natale and Fabio Quagliarella should thrive against the visibly-aloof Spurs back 4.

According to his wikipedia page, Di Natale is “well known known for scoring impressive goals.” Considering the form of Spurs at the back this season, any goals he scores tonight will seem rather ordinary and run-of-the-mill by comparison to previous tallies.

Spurs: Gomes, Hutton, King, Woodgate, Assou-Ekotto, Lennon, Zokora, Jenas, O’Hara, Bale, Bent.

Subs: Cesar, Dawson, Gilberto, Gunter, Modric, Campbell, Giovani.

Gomes has been warned to not injure any of his own tonight, and we see rare starts for Assou-Ekotto and Jamie O’Hara. The center-back pairing of Samson-esque Woodgate and Samsonite-esque Ledley King should provide some comedy this evening. And yes, Ramos looks to be employing UF’s favourite formation, the 4-5-1.
-
Other games tonight:
Aston Villa v. Ajax (kick off: 3.15pm ET)
Braga v. Portsmouth (kick off: 3.15pm ET)
-
Updates:
Spurs are still losing 1-0 from a 1st half penalty given up by Gomes, which is a shame as he’s been superb since. Jamie O’Hara did manage a rather Barton-esque feat of greatness in getting 2 yellows within a minute and taking an early bath. Close to the end there. 1-0 Udinese still.

Aston Villa v. Ajax
-

Aston Villa: Friedel, Luke Young, Cuellar, Laursen, Shorey, Reo-Coker, Petrov, Barry, Milner, Agbonlahor, Ashley Young.

Subs: Guzan, Sidwell, Harewood, Davies, Knight, Salifou, Gardner.

Expected line-up, right? O/U on number of misplayed passes for Reo-Coker currently set at 102.

Ajax: Vermeer, Silva, Oleguer, Vermaelen, Emanuelson, Lindgren, Sarpong, Vertonghen, Suarez, Huntelaar, Gabri.

Subs: Vonk, Van Der Wiel, Cvitanich, Leonardo, Sno, Anita, Schilder.
-
Braga v. Portsmouth
-

Braga: Eduardo, Frechaut, Moises, Alberto Rodriguez, Evaldo, Vandinho, Alan, Matheus, Aguiar, Renteria, Meyong.

Subs: Mario Felgueiras, Mossoro, Paulo Cesar, Jorginho, Stelvio Cruz, Cesar Peixoto, Joao Pereira.

4-5-1, probably? No clue. I hear Renteria is good.

Portsmouth: James, Campbell, Pamarot, Armand Traore, Distin, Davis, Diop, Hreidarsson, Little, Defoe, Crouch.

Subs: Ashdown, Utaka, Mvuemba, Hughes, Kanu, Belhadj, Wilson.

Nothing outrageous here either. Seeing a Traore in the starting XI is instant cause for concern. The Traores don’t make things easy for their teammates, oh no sir. Little and Large continue to spearhead a decent Pompey attack.

The Subservient League

Morning all.

Today saw the groups and fixtures released for the UEFA cup and I will pardon you for not leaping up and down with excitement. This competition now looks like the poor bastard love child of the Champions League.

If you can’t see it yet, just wait until next year.

Join me after the jump to look at the impending changes and all of this year’s important fixtures involving the English sides… Tottenham, Manchester City, Portsmouth and Aston Villa.

Why oh why oh why oh why does the UEFA Cup have to be in a league format? Well that’s a rhetorical question but its retarded. Money aside, the UEFA Cup worked as as a separate knock out competition and it was this “difference” from the Champions League that actually made it unique and gave 5th, 6th and 7th place domestic league finishers some European credibility.

Now? Its a poor man’s Champions League! [Ed. Note: it's why it's widely known as Little Cup to the CL's Big Cup] One in which you don’t even get to play each team at home! Nope, now you are drawn to play two games at home and two games away.

This is retarded. It has to be all or nothing. Do it properly or do not bother. This format is typical of UEFA’s willingness to make changes on a whim under the leadership of their principle buffoon Mr Platini, a man who opens his mouth more often than Divine Brown. At least she served a purpose.

Let’s pretend you are Hull and you make it Europe, (hey it’s possible…) only to be told that you will play AC Milan away (not this year though) but they won’t be expected to visit you in a second leg. It’s absolute nonsense!

The rules and regulations surrounding this competition have changed so often it is hard to keep up. The loss of two legs and the addition of Champions League “losers” at a later stage has made this competition a fixtures draw lottery. Maybe Harry Redknapp, Juande Ramos and Mark Hughes would do better to buy a scratch-and-win card at the nearest paper shop. Talking of gambling, how long before the home advantage finds it’s way into a fixing probe?

This competition should be renamed The European Subservient League… But wait. It gets better.

From 2009 on, this competition will feature FORTY EIGHT teams inhabiting TWELVE groups and be renamed The Europa League! People watched the UEFA Cup because it was an exciting knock-out tournament that featured regular giant-killing, special European nights and once-in-a-lifetime chances for fans to see European monsters in their back yard. Now it’s just a poor man’s Champions League that favors the big boys.

Anyway… let’s take a look at this year’s Subservient League groups (released today) and pretend we give a shit shall we?

Group A: Schalke 04, Paris St Germain, MANCHESTER CITY, Racing Santander, FC Twente

Group B: Benfica, Olympiakos, Galatasaray, Hertha Berlin, Metalist Kharkiv

Group C: Sevilla, Stuttgart, Sampdoria, Partizan Belgrade, Standard Liege

Group D: TOTTENHAM, Spartak Moscow, Udinese, Dinamo Zagreb, NEC Nijmegen

Group E: AC Milan, Heerenveen, SC Braga, PORTSMOUTH, Vfl Wolfsburg

Group F: Hamburg, Ajax, Slavia Prague, ASTON VILLA, MSK Zilina

Group G: Valencia, Club Brugge, Rosenborg, FC Copenhagen, Saint-Etienne

Group H: CSKA Moscow, Deportiva La Coruna, Feyenoord, Nancy, Lech Poznan

Manchester City’s group looks tough. Sparky Hughes’ men will face PSG (3 Dec) and an easy-ish Steve McClown FC Twente team (6 Nov) at home before hitting the road to play Schalke (27 Nov) and Santander (18 Dec).

Portsmouth lucked out with AC Milan (if such a thing is possible) as the Italian giants will visit Fratton Park on the 27th November. Pompey will travel to Braga (23rd Oct) and Wolfsburg (4th Dec) before their last group game at home to Heerenveen on the 17th of December. Braga are certainly beatable on the road and the home advantage in the Milan tie is HUGE. I can see Pompey progressing.

Villa have a tough task ahead of them as they open their European campaign at home to Ajax before heading to Prague on the 6th of November. They finish group play with an extremely tough trip to Hamburg on the 17th of December. Hamburg are no push over either, as they currently sit at the top of the Bundesliga table after 7 games

As for Tottenham, who knows? The way they are currently playing and the selecting their players writes off any kind of prediction. At least they don’t have to travel to colder climates during the league stage. Both Spartak Moscow and Zagreb will travel to White Hart Lane. Trips to Udinese and NEC Nijmegen don’t exactly look daunting but then again, neither did Hull at home!

-Bigus.

Mobsters Fixing Sporting Events… You Don’t Say

A mildly successful soccer blog is passing along information found in an American-based sports publication that a leading Spanish newspaper is reporting that a Spanish judge has sent German prosecutors information suggesting Russian mobsters fixed last seasons UEFA Cup semifinal between Zenit St. Petersburg and Bayern Munich.

Okay, that’s borderline plagiarism, but we couldn’t resist piling on a couple of more parties given the opening paragraph of this report here in SI.com (a CNN Network Site).

The report is pretty thin on details but it mentions a taped conversation in which a “suspected” Russian mobster mentions a payout of 50 million of “an unspecified currency.” A) Really, the SI link is so thin on info that if I quote (or paraphrase) much more of it, it will be reprinted here in its entirety. B) Let’s hope for the sake of the fixee that the currency wasn’t Zimbabwe Dollars, as about the time of the fixing was trading around ZW 250 million to $1 US.

Although maybe 20 cents is about right for a UEFA Cup semi.

Belated UEFA Cup thread

Does anyone watch Little Cup?

A ton of the matches have already concluded, probably due to being played in countries so tiny and scattered that they have their own provincial timezones. However, it’s not over just yet!

Everton v. Standard Liege just kicked off, as did Spurs at home to Wizla Krakow, which should be fun as they’re missing new signings Pavlyuchenko and Corluka (both cup-tied… good transfers, then), and Modric who already has a knee injury.

Starting XIs and the rest of the scores after the jump.

Get ready for some bad news, all you Omonia Nicosia fans…

Everton 1 Yakubu 23″
Standard Liege 1 Mbokani 9″
(kick-off 3.05pm ET)

Everton: Howard, Neville, Yobo, Jagielka, Lescott, Anichebe, Castillo, Osman, Arteta, Cahill, Yakubu.

Subs: Nash, Baines, Vaughan, Nuno Valente, Jutkiewicz, Baxter, Rodwell.

Standard Liege: Aragon, Camozzato, Onyewu, Sarr, Dante, Dalmat, Jovanovic, Defour, Witsel, De Camargo, Mbokani.

Subs: Devriendt, Goreux, Toama, Mikulic, Nicaise, Ingrao, Gonzalez.

Spurs 0, Wisla Krakow 0
(kick-off 3.10pm ET)

Tottenham: Gomes, Gunter, Woodgate, King, Bale, Bentley, Jenas, Zokora, Lennon, Giovani, Bent.

Subs: Cesar, Huddlestone,Gilberto, Campbell, Dawson, O’ Hara, Assou-Ekotto.

Wisla Krakow: Pawelek, Singlar, Baszczynski, Cleber, Diaz, Boguski, Sobolewski, Cantoro, Zienczuk, Pawel Brozek, Jirsak.

Subs: Juszczyk, Guedes Filho, Glowacki, Niedzielan, Malecki, Lobodzinski, Barreto.

EARLIER SCORES
—–
AS Nancy 1 Berenguer 42″
Motherwell 0

Litex Lovech 1 Popov 10″
Aston Villa 3 Reo-Coker 45+1″, Barry 72″ (pen), Petrov 90+2″

Portsmouth 2 Diarra 39″, Defoe 60″
Guimaraes 0

Omonia Nicosia 1 Duro 49″
Manchester City 2 Jo 59″, 72″

Man City fans take to the seas without a paddle

I love stories like this because they remind me just why we’re all fans of this wonderful game. Despite their lunacy, you can’t fault a loyal crowd of Man City fans from doing literally whatever it takes to see their team play.

As their UEFA Cup qualifier against EB/Streymur from the Faroe Islands loomed, a group of fans noticed how expensive plane tickets were to the tiny Northern European country, and so they made alternative arrangements: they hired a fishing vessel to take them.

For Mancunians, this is some seriously forward thinking.

The plan was simple: drive from Manchester to Aberdeen, then take a ferry from the northeastern tip of Scotland to the Shetland Islands, and then board the vessel that would carry them on a 26-hour odyssey across to the Faroe port of Torshavn. Presumably they could then walk to Streymur from there considering how small the islands are.

It’s a brilliant plan, and an inspiring one at that. It’s just a shame that Mother Nature shat on their parade already.

Within 24 hours of the original story via the Telegraph, the BBC reported this afternoon that the vessel was grounded in the Shetlands due to sustained poor weather. Dear oh dear.

If you needed more proof that Man City were not God’s team of choice, that would be it.

However, as with all feel-good stories of love and devotion, the force of human kindness intervened, not without the natural PR upside, and gave these sullen Mancs a happy ending: a Faroes-based airline, Atlantic Airlines, has agreed to come and pick them up and fly ‘em round trip for free.

Said company president Magni Arge:

“We’ve agreed to help these Manchester City supporters because this is a great event in the Faroes having Manchester City here.

This is a great opportunity for us to show there is an airline based in the Faroes which can serve both Shetland and the Faroes Islands and we’ve got some sponsors to help us make this feasible.”

Problem solved! Now all they need to worry about is the Blues coming away with a solid victory.

Bon Jovi: living on Man City’s prayer

Bon Jovi: obviously a Man United fan. If nothing else, he fulfills the fan requirement of living thousands of miles from Old Trafford, like most of their BMW-driving supporterati

Despite making the backpasses last night, I couldn’t resist a little look at the operations of Maine Road, and how their best-laid plans might well be derailed by Jon Bon Jovi. It’s one of those things that nature couldn’t have planned any better.

Having just scraped into the UEFA Cup through the dubious back door that is the Fair Play table, the blues face having to move their home opener in the tournament to another stadium because a Bon Jovi concert scheduled for late June will probably not leave them enough time to re-turf the pitch.

I know that there are a lot of BJ fans who love the grass (groan), but is this really happening?

From the Guardian:

The club had initially believed there was plenty of time to prepare the pitch before the start of the season but at that stage they had little idea that England would be allowed an extra place in the Uefa Cup. City did not even have the best disciplinary statistics in the Premier League but the five clubs with better records – Tottenham Hotspur, Liverpool, United, Arsenal and Everton – have already qualified for Europe.

Now there’s optimism for you: plan for the UEFA Cup, then realize it’s unlikely, so schedule soft-rock concerts to keep the stands full through the summer?

Sven’s optimism shines even brighter:

“It is a step in the right direction because the target for this club in the future is to play in the Champions League. The Uefa Cup is a very good school to learn about European football. It is a confirmation that we are a good team but also a team that behaves well on the pitch.”

Ahem. We’ll just casually ignore the fact that you don’t need to be a good team (as Fulham almost beat you for the spot, and they were in the relegation zone virtually all season), and we’ll overlook the Dunne red card that almost removed you from the running entirely.

But I digress. There’s just something about this story that makes me laugh uncontrollably. Did Bon Jovi ever think he’d have this much influence? Could Man City stand the ignominy of asking Huddersfield Town if they can borrow the stadium for a night while they host a limp 1-0 win over a side like SK Brann or Skonto Riga?

The mind boggles. All I do know is that if Oasis were playing a summer concert that jeopardized the new turf, no-one would mind in the slightest. Still, the very idea of Bon Jovi soiling their dignity to begin with is frightening enough. He’ll be exiting quickly on his steel horse if he knows what’s good for him.

Life is cruel.

Right now, they’re imagining those balls to be the heads of Blatter and Platini

It’s not hard to get a yellow card in the EPL. Heck, several of them are dished out each week by the discipline-givers, the order-preservers. If it’s not down to a card-happy ref hellbent on injecting himself into the game, it’s the peril and danger of dealing with the foreign flopping crowd, the porcelain superstars who fall in agony at the slightest hint of bodily contact. Just ask whoever has to mark Didier Drogba each week.

And yes, this simple yellow card has come back to haunt our brave American heroes at Fulham, for the final Fair Play standings were just released. It turns out the relegation-escaping marauders at the Cottage missed out on that unlikely UEFA Cup spot by 0.02 points, or, to put it more bluntly, 4 yellow cards.

Somewhere in Manchester, last week’s red card hero Richard Dunne just unclenched his squeaky bum.

Four yellow cards is so slight considering the grueling nature of the entire season. It’s 4 half-arsed lunges for a 50/50 ball, it’s 4 Drogba flops, 4 ticky-tack fouls, 4 separate incidents in which Cristiano wept.

It’s also a crying fucking shame, because I was really hoping that the farce that is the Fair Play League and its backdoor Europe entry could have been exposed, a bit like the times during the college football season when I crave a BCS in ruins and left for dead at the side of the road.

To think a team so close to being relegated could have actually had a UEFA spot. It almost boggles the mind as much as it did to see Bolton playing in Europe this season. So strange.

It’s also a nice slap in the face to Thaksin, to see his Euro dreams realized right after he kicked his girlfriend Eriksson out of the moving car.

I hope Man City can honor their UEFA spot with several scintillating 1-0 wins to the likes of Anderlecht, Braga, FC Cologne, and many others.

[thx Sean P for bringing it to my attention]

Fulhamapalooza

Not to beat Eight Belles with this, but, yes, it is another Fulham-UEFA Cup post (to go with this and this).

Of interest is the new Fair Play table.

It has been updated, but only to go back in time. Where it used to say “Matches up to and including 5th May 2008,” it now reads “Matches up to and including 28th April 2008″ (of course even that depends on when you, the reader, click on the link).

Not that you wouldn’t believe us, but after the jump is a screenshot of the cached page.

Anyway you can see the old “newer” date below the “Fair Play Table” heading on the table itself (well, you might need to click on the image to make it large enough so you can see that the FA has indeed mastered time travel).

This presumably means a couple of things. First, the cards from Fulham’s match against Birmingham City (two yellows) come back into play. That’s an automatic minus-two points. Citeh, who played Liverfourth in the penultimate week of the season, had no cards for that match week.

Second, it allows the FA more wiggle room in awarding positive (or negative) points. I’m not insinuating they are up to anything nefarious, but if Fulham does make up the point gap, it looks a lot less suspicious if it happened over a two week period than over a single match. Like the kids say: “I’m not saying, I’m just saying.”

Finally, looking at the table gives us a little insight into the whole idea of whether wikipedia is correct or not with its fan behavio(u)r in the list of criteria. It’s not.

Really, can’t believe none of us thought to actually look at the point breakdown on that table itself but the categories are: “R/Y, P/P, R/O, R/R, B/O” which, respectively, stand for “Red & Yellow Cards, Positive Play, Respect Towards Opponent, Respect Toward Referee, Behavior of Officials.”

Nothing for the fans. So chair-throwing Citeh spectators can breath easy knowing that they didn’t fuck their club. Although the players themselves might have taken care of that for them. Really, losing 8-1 to ‘Boro should disqualify you from anything.

Except maybe playing in MLS.